I suspect there is as I did spy and found her a another man's house overnight. I waited til the morning and confronted her. I thought if she could see that I was willing to forgive anything that we could make it. She said that they were only friends. What is it believe half of what you see, and nothing of what they say. If there is more to it than that, I don't know. The kids have not met anyone else, and she doesn't seem to be deceptive about anything. I really wish that I would not have snooped. Wether or not it is EA or PA, imaging someone else supporting her instead of me is very difficult. I am not a jealous person by nature, but it hurts. Not knowing would be one less major thing weighing on my mind. It seems to have added pressure to a already pressure filled sitch. Not to mention I broke some trust boundaries by spying, creating another obstacle for her to overcome. Do I think it is wrong what she did, hell yeah. But or goal is to be the lighthouse back home.
Not good and she bold faced lied to your face. It sounds like you handled yourself well, it sounds like she has no problem at all lieing to you.
I'm debating ways to dig into this. Intel. The game changes if there's an OM. Thoughts?
Yeah:
A) She's already stated she's done with the marriage and you're separated now, correct? Not sure how knowing about an OM changes anything. She's already done and moved on, a marriage doesn't get much more dead than that. I'm in the same position, W is moved out and declared the M over. I don't think there's an OM but I don't snoop about it either. My attitude is that it would just make me more upset to find out about it and it has no affect on the DB approach. And rest assured, if there's an OM then you will find out sooner or later even without snooping. And besides, I doubt the two of you were virgins when you met, yet you fell in love with each other. Why would a PA prevent the two of you from falling in love again? I sympathize with the fact that you're technically still married as am I, but we have to accept that our wives don't see it that way right now. They see themselves as free to pursue whatever they want.
B) Are you thinking of all of this as a "game"? Is it your goal to win this game? If so then you're going about this the wrong way. DB'ing is all about changing YOU and making YOU a better, more attractive, more independent, stronger person. This may in turn attract your spouse back. It's not a game, it's about putting forth a serious effort to change yourself.
Addition to my previous post- I went back and read your OP again and didn't see you mention anything about a separation, I think I read eyesopen's signature and thought it was yours. If you're not separated then I can see why a PA would be a bigger issue for you.
If you're not separated then I can see why a PA would be a bigger issue for you.
It may be...it also could be history repeating itself, which personally is a no no in my book. If I recall, someguys wife cheated on him before.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
If you're not separated then I can see why a PA would be a bigger issue for you.
It may be...it also could be history repeating itself, which personally is a no no in my book. If I recall, someguys wife cheated on him before.
Bingo.
I just finished reviewing the call logs for W's cell phone that I bought her and I pay for.
1. She texts A LOT. Always has. It's a bit of a challenge to wade through the pages of numbers.
2. I noticed a couple numbers that jumped out. One is a close female friend. The other is a guy from her highschool (thank you google). She had ONE text with him in the August billing cycle. The September billing cycle is littered with nearly daily texts back and forth. Almost all of them are while she's at work.
3. On Oct 10 (2 days after the bomb), she called two restaurants and a hotel in the same city where she went on a business trip from 10/2-10/4.
4. Curse cell phones. They're so hard to figure out who owns all of these numbers she's texting.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Does anyone have any experience/tips on investigating a workplace affair?
I found something very suspicious... She has a coworker that I know she's close with. He moved here from another state with is wife about a 1.5 years ago. She called a cell phone from his old area code the very night she dropped the bomb. It was a 40 minute call shortly after she left the house. She had another 25 minute call to the same number a few days later when she was "out with a girlfriend."
I can call the number another time from a pay-as-you-go phone and see who answers to confirm it's him.
If there is in fact an affair there, the lack of frequent phone calls/texts is easy to explain since he is also married and wouldn't want his wife to find out.
I realize this could also be nothing, but the call the NIGHT of the bomb is very suspicious.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Tread carefully my friend, what happened to me, happened while we were still living in the same house. Like I said before though, in her mind we were done. So I believe to her it was justifiable, and all I did was put another brick in her wall.
Good luck with whichever path you choose.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
SG all I can tell you is what my experience was and it made me angry and hurt. Now I told you above how I spied on my W. Well at the time I was working for a contractor and I had my own work truck. My W works until 5 and I was done @ 3 so what I would do was I would park the truck near her workplace and I would look for our car once I found it I knew where to hide. So I would sit in my work truck until she would be done then I would hide and wait to see if I could see anything.
I forget how many times I did this but one day we had an argument on the phone while she was at work and I was hiding around the corner. Come time for her to leave work guess who I spot in my car with my W consoling her. All I saw was the dirtbag rubbing the back of my W's head and let me tell you it was all I could stand. I came unglued. I was so pissed off and hurt at the same time. It tool every ounce of fiber in me not to try to climb the fence and go after him. IIRC I may have called my buddy and he calmed me down but I confronted her when she got home since I beat her home.
She couldn't believe that I was there but that was my proof that she was cheating and she could no longer deny it. Let me tell you it was unbelievably tense in our for quite a long time after that because she wasn't done with the A. My gut told me she was still seeing this creep. May have been a few days later I got my buddy to go down to her work with me in his mini van and we sat in it with binoculars waiting on her to leave work. We saw both of them walk out together and follow each other most of the way home. She had to turn off at a certain point to go pick up our S and the creep went his way home. Well I was waiting for her when she got home and I chewed her out like she has never been chewed out before. The look on her face was priceless but again I was left angry and hurt but something inside me told me it was time to bust this A wide open.
I had lost a lot of self respect when I had a feeling she was cheating but something made me want to see it for real. Seeing it for real also woke me up to stop being a doormat and get some dignity back. I remember telling myself after seeing what I did that I needed to bust this A up and that's when I told her parents and her boss. I wasn't going to just sit by and play the victim and just accept her A and hope she grew out of it. My personal belief is is that a S won't stop until the other one makes a stand. When my W told me the creep was fired Im not gonna lie, I FELT GREAT! I knew then and there that I broke that A up!. Funny how all the late nights and happy hours stopped.
What you decide to do SG is up to you but keep in mind that I took a big risk doing what I did and I was angry and hurt but I gained my self respect and confidence back. It took a long time to get over the pain but I do not regret it one bit. I would do it again if need be.
I hope this helps you to sort things out bud. Just be careful and be aware of what you are getting yourself into.
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
Thanks for the post Leo. I know there are multiple opinions on how to handle an A. Yours is the path I chose last time... I had good results as well. It sure took some nerve to do it and confront her.
W works downtown. It's a major metropolitan city. Either we carpool or she takes the bus. She rarely drives separate. She goes to brief happy hours about 3 nights per week, at one of about 4 bars. I don't know how to survey this with so many variables... And the need to care for our S when she's out.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Quick question...so IF you find that she is seeing someone else. What are you going to do?
Not suggesting that you confront or not..just wondering.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
