Feeling so low still. May just be one of those days.
The enormity of what H has done is sinking in. What he did to our marriage, our kids, our life... There's the possibility he has avoided our children for nine months to please HER.
This damage can never be undone, reconciliation or not, this chit leaves permanent scarring on me and the kids. Two girls who have now been abandoned and have had to live with the knowledge that Dad is out "there" partying and living with OW.
I worked so hard to be a good mom and now this? All these years and it's all down the toilet in the span of less than a year?
And, the worst part is... I didn't even have an effin choice in this major life event. This event which will color who I am for the rest of my life and I HAD NO SAY!
And, when I spoke, I was, literally, ignored. Treated like a stranger, an annoying, nagging stranger.
I think some pain is rising to the surface. I need to figure out how to let this out.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Just got of the phone with my Dad who has helped us out to the tune of like 15 grand so I could start my business. The most recent help he gave was lending us his fancy truck. The 18-yr-old drove it into another car in the school parking lot. Deputy on duty at the school filed a crash report and insurance was notified.
Dad gets back from a business trip and a letter from the other kid is waiting for him. The letter says the kids expects payment in the range of $450 for the damage done to her car.
This is on top of the damage done to Dad's truck. Dad is really ticked and I'm already on overload. Would like to drive the truck over the H's chitty apt with OW and drive right thru the wall. Then, say, here you handle this crisis. I'm busy with the forty other issues you left on my lap.
Needed to vent. Thanks for listening.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I take long walks with music to stomp along to. I actually do 4.25 miles. And if you build up a sweat you can cry and walk and no one knows the difference. Wear sunglasses.
25yearmlc speaks of her "Marches of Fury" and it seems like she was a 4+ mile walker, too. I think perhaps the long walk helps use up that rotten adrenalin that is coursing through your system right now.
I read some other thing about how being abandoned provolks the same sort of chemicals as "Lust" in you. And that as hard has he is pulling away from you to skanky OW you are trying to pull back to him. I believe that was in the book "Cut Loose".
When I read that it rang true for me. So recognize being affected by your own chemicals. And then, though it is hard, heed the wise words of Linkin Park and remember: " 'Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear, 'til we get it, forget it, let it all dissapear, yeah." Which I interpert as DETACH, DETACH, DETACH!
Vent away! Thank goodness for the kind people on here who I swear helped me keep my sanity through all this. And you may not believe this, but things will get better.
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Thanks for listening. Walking four miles in Hawaii is sounding really good right now! I like the suggestion though. Would be nice to get all buff and beautiful thanks to H's crapola.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
P.S. One problem: Taking a shower and getting dressed right now is a major achievement. So walking four miles may be pushing it. Feeling really depressed and just trying to keep up with work and the kids.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
P.S. One problem: Taking a shower and getting dressed right now is a major achievement. So walking four miles may be pushing it. Feeling really depressed and just trying to keep up with work and the kids.
Getting dressed and taking a shower is an achievement because you are depressed. You are depressed because your point of focus is wrong. Also you are not taking care of you. Do that 4 mile walk a couple of days and see how you feel then.
I've been reading your thread, and can relate to you so much. I got the bomb dropped on me in January. Sometimes it still seems like it was yesterday.
I am thankful that my H is still here and not has completely gone AWOL. I am thankful that he is at least loving towards our children. But, he has OW which he thinks I don't know about. I guess he thinks everyone is just as clueless as he is.
T^2 always has great advice, and I love reading your posts T! I understand what you're saying about the nature of the R with the OP. I don't even need to imagine my H being sick, with all his medical issues and then the MLC crap piled on top. Still, this doesn't justify adultery. I think I feel p!ssed off at times too because I feel like he if put as much energy into our M as he did his gf, how great could things be? She may get him broken, but apparently he is an a$$ kissing broken man!
I know I'm not anywhere near a place yet for forgiving H. Hopefully, that will come later. But I can't help but think that no matter what, I will never be able to look at H the same way. He'll be the guy that broke my heart into a thousand pieces. He'll be the guy that treated his family like sh!t. He'll be the guy that put his d!ck where it didn't belong.
Remind me again why I want this guy?!?!
That's the anger and hurt that surfaces here are there. How could it not?
I do have compassion for my H. Heather, my H has said the exact same thing about being disgusted with himself. Can you even imagine feeling that way?
Our H's are not exactly running around with rocket scientist supermodels. Ha! More like scraping the bottom of the barrel. Our H's pain must be great to stoop so low to try to escape.
I'm long past feeling inferior to OW. She is obviously someone who doesn't have a shred of dignity or self respect. She is nothing.
On the other hand, I know I'm a pretty damn good woman. I made a life long commitment to my H, and I am doing my best to stick to it.
Plus I'm darn cute. And funny. And a kick a$$ mom. Hey, I'm just oozing self esteem today!
Hold your head high, you are being strong in the face of adversity even if it feels like you are going to fall apart. Come here and vent all you want, we are here to listen and help!
Hope you have a better day tomorrow
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Just found out my FIL spent six days at the Cleveland Clinic last week because of breathing problems. I immediately jump to conclusions... H heard and didn't let me know. H must've been upset but didn't contact me. H sought comfort from OW. Reality Check: H is a drug addict and prob wasn't very helpful during the clinic episode. Also, H shuts himself down when scary stuff happens and prob just got high a little more than usual--which would mean like every minute of every hour? That's a lot of hits.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I've read half--but I've read "why they run" about fifty!!! Haven't texted or tried to contact him. Reading Anderson's book "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing."
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
