My H and I are have done our second post-weekend dialogue and both of us agreed how the authenticity, intimacy, and communication of our relationship has improved since the retreat. I would heartily encourage you not to give up in going to Retrouvaille. It has really helped us. Best wishes to both of you.
Had a tough time today picking up the kids. It hurts not being a family. Most of the time I am doing well. I feel like I have detach two fold. One is from my w, and the other is from our family with my w.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Really struggling with putting the kids through this. Is it ever acceptable or a good idea to share thoughts like this with your spouse? Or is it all pressuring? It is difficult to act as if 100% of the time. If I act as if I am not worried about putting the kids through this, why would she be worried?
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Really struggling with putting the kids through this. Is it ever acceptable or a good idea to share thoughts like this with your spouse? Or is it all pressuring? It is difficult to act as if 100% of the time. If I act as if I am not worried about putting the kids through this, why would she be worried?
And you being worried is going to teach her to be worried about it? I think not. She has to come to her own conclusions about the ramifications of her choices.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Pretty much the second I hit submit I knew the answer. The feelings are just part of the roller coaster. She needs a strong confident man that will care for his children no matter what. Part of it is our son has been acting out a little lately. If I see it, she is seeing it. No need to remind her of something she already knows.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
So I have been feeling pretty down the last two days and today almost felt the same as post bomb. Then I had a revelation, the whole act as if thing isn't only for when I am around my w, it needs to be around everyone. Unless I am posting.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I wanted to respond to your comment on my thread. This is by Accuray, he wrote this on my thread not to long ago. He's one of several mentor of mine that I have tremenous respect for.
Why do I want to win back a W that doesn't miss or want an emotional connection?
I have spent more time thinking about this than I like to admit. I think what it comes down to is romantic love and chemistry -- something no one claims to understand the source of. You cannot will yourself to be attracted to someone, and sadly you can't will yourself to being unattracted to someone either. That's why detachment is so hard -- you can't just wake up and convince yourself that you are no longer attracted to your spouse.
Here's the thing -- if you look at how they look, act, and treat you now, you probably would NOT be attracted to them if you could see them with a stranger's eyes.
I think when you fall in love as a young person and decide to marry, you fall in love with the person, the "idea of the person", and the potential the person represents for you. Over time, your feelings are colored by the "idea of the person" that you retain the potential of what the person can represent to you, as well as your accumulated joint happy memories. Therefore you see them as a package, the sum of which is greater than the individual parts.
I think that's how it works anyway. When I look at W I don't see a 45 year old woman, I see the 28 year old woman I met, the mother of my children, the person I shared my honeymoon and some great vacations with, the person I moved into our first house with etc, and I'm as much in love with that package as I am in love with the person.
That's why I think we want to "win back" our undeserving WAS -- you love the potential that exists to forge an emotional connection with this women -- you believe that if she does eventually "get it" it will be wonderful, and it's somehow attractive to pursue that even in the face of terrible adversity.
Accuray _________________________ Married 16, Together 18 M: 43, W: 45, D: 13, S: 11, D: 7 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Good Piecing 9/11 - 6/12 ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12 Working on what comes next...
Ver, thank you for reminding me of that. I remember when this started, I told her that I would be the rock. I need to remind myself of that everyday. I will not move from trying to save this.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I have often tried to come up with reasons why I shouldn't continue this journey based on my perception of any faults she might have. For the life of me I can't come up with much.
It would make sense then, that it is the idea of that person more than their present actions that keep us on this path.
Along with finally truly understanding what unconditional love is.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
