Still together but trying to save this

[Denver_2010]

So Denver, I have been taking your advice and adding some levity to my text messages . We will see how that goes. I mentioned to her that a band i really like is playing for free at a local venue and added a smiley and some exclamation points. She responded with a question of whether I was going with work friends. I just said no because we don't have the same taste in music. She said she hopes i go either way because she knows I really like them. I only post this because you said it would be helpful if I posted some specifics about our text conversations...

That is VERY good! Honestly. But some constructive criticism from someone who has been there...

Be more vague in your replies. For example, she asked you if you were going with work friends...

You said, 'no' and explained why...

whereas, you should have said,

'not sure who I'm going with yet! But excited!'

Something like that...

Why? Because you want to create curiosity.

The more she begins to think about what you are doing, and who you are doing it with, the more her mind will turn from OM back to you.

So where are we?

1. act happy and cheerful... excited to be living

2. be mysterious (remember, she has lost her right to know what you are doing and who you are doing it with)

One last thing that i thought of with your post... and I don't think that you did this...

But you want to be really careful not to suggest that you are inviting her to do something. You were close to suggesting that when you told her about the band, but I think that it was vague enough.

Remember, HOW we say something is very often more important that WHAT we say.

[PeteWyo]

The answer to that question is a little complicated. You see, there was a falling out with my W and two of her best friends. The details of that are long and I'm not sure I quite understand it all myself, but I don't think it is necessary to get into that here. Anyway, she would always have them as confidants to air out her feelings to. This falling out happened over the past 2 years or so. I wasn't going out and having a good time with her so the OM was the one that was there to lend an ear to as a friend. He was the only one that hadn't hurt my W in her eyes. IF that makes any sense...

[PeteWyo]

That last post was in response to your question about what the OM has that I didn't BTW Denver. I want to add that I am very much aware NOW about the way that I was acting and behaving and how it was portrayed, accurate or not. Perception is a powerful thing. The thing that I think hurts the most is the last time my W and I had a conversation about everything (several weeks ago), she looked at me kind of confused and said, "you know, I think we just had a whole lot of miscommunications." That is so frustrating to me, to know what the problem is and even how to fix it and how insignificant the problems that we were having were compared to how they were perceived. To me it was a breath of fresh air to at least know she finally realized that things were not as bad as she thought. Unfortunately that still wasn't enough to make her want to stay and work on things. The more I think about that, the more I wonder how much I even want to keep fighting for this.

[Denver_2010]

The answer to that question is a little complicated. You see, there was a falling out with my W and two of her best friends. The details of that are long and I'm not sure I quite understand it all myself, but I don't think it is necessary to get into that here. Anyway, she would always have them as confidants to air out her feelings to. This falling out happened over the past 2 years or so. I wasn't going out and having a good time with her so the OM was the one that was there to lend an ear to as a friend. He was the only one that hadn't hurt my W in her eyes. IF that makes any sense...

That makes perfect sense. And it is similar to the OM"s role in my situation as well.

[Denver_2010]

The more I think about that, the more I wonder how much I even want to keep fighting for this.

Why?

[PeteWyo]

[quote=fuanacdc]

Why?

I don't know. I know it isn't the right thing to be thinking. I know I should be the bigger person. It just is hard for me to understand how this is reason enough to throw away a marriage.

[Denver_2010]

[quote=fuanacdc]

Why?

I don't know. I know it isn't the right thing to be thinking. I know I should be the bigger person. It just is hard for me to understand how this is reason enough to throw away a marriage.

It isn't for you to understand. This is her choice. One thing that we are all given as human beings is the right of free will.

You may not agree with it, but she has the right to that the same as everyone.

Now, I'm not saying that she is right. I agree with you. But that is our opinion.

Our decision to stand for our marriage is one that we make for us. It is a decision that you have to make independent of what she is doing or the choices that she is making.

[PeteWyo]

Our decision to stand for our marriage is one that we make for us. It is a decision that you have to make independent of what she is doing or the choices that she is making.

You are right Denver, of course. So I guess the real thing that I need to figure out at this point is what I want to do. I have read much of your threads and your story is inspiring. I'm just not sure I have enough in the tank to go through this for 18 months.

Text message update. I may have made an error in judgement, maybe not you tell me. She sent me a text message regarding something regarding her sister and some issues that she has been having, don't want to get into that here. I didn't respond, mostly because I really was busy at work but also I need to get out of the habit of replying so quickly. So she text me again later that night and said

"I didn't mean to tell you what to do, I just wanted to give you a heads up."

I responded with,

"Oh I know babe, sorry just been swamped. What do you think we can do about it?"

I got no response at all to that. I probably shouldn't have thrown the "babe" in there, just habit I guess. Two days later she sent me a text saying "How r ur parents doing?".

She has always had a good relationship with my parents. I believe she probably feels more regret about letting them down than me. I haven't responded yet...

[Denver_2010]

Our decision to stand for our marriage is one that we make for us. It is a decision that you have to make independent of what she is doing or the choices that she is making.

You are right Denver, of course. So I guess the real thing that I need to figure out at this point is what I want to do. I have read much of your threads and your story is inspiring. I'm just not sure I have enough in the tank to go through this for 18 months.

Yes. That is what you need to decide.

And yeah, get rid of the little loving nicknames for now. Let her initiate contact, keep your responses short and to the point.

[PeteWyo]

Yes. That is what you need to decide.

And yeah, get rid of the little loving nicknames for now. Let her initiate contact, keep your responses short and to the point.

Denver, thank you so much for the advice. I told myself from the beginning that I believed in marriage, for better or worse. So for now I have the resolve to see this through.

I do have a curiosity about your story. As I said I read most of your posts. Am I correct in understanding that you and your W do not have a child together? I only ask because in a lot of the success stories on the forums that I read, reconciliation happens or is at least affected by the children in the equation. I wonder sometimes if it does hurt my chances that we do not have any children together. Maybe that makes it easier for her to cut ties. I know that is complete speculation and we aren't supposed to be trying to be mind readers. It was just something that I was thinking about. It is tough to get all of these thoughts out of my head no matter how hard I detach and GAL, which is going well by the way. I have supportive friends and family that I am reconnnecting with in the way I should have been for the last 3 years. Ironic that it took my wife leaving me to see the value in building and nurturing ALL of my relationships. next trip to the IC tomorrow to work on my anxiety some more. I think I am doing well so far. Still a lot of work to be done. I will update when I can.