Quote: I truly believe that one day (it may be years from now...) we will all experience our spouses either trying to come back or admitting they blew it!
I agree. But this is also what amazes me about my sitch. My H DID that. And not once.
Quote: I don't think the WAS would truely have started down the road to leaving the M, if they were not sure.
B, my H has told me he was never really sure. He was very confused and in a lot of pain and did not know what to do.
He has also told me several times that he wishes he had never done any of this, that his life fell apart the day he moved out. Maybe some of them think they know --and I think they are all deeply hurting -- but don't let pessimism cloud too much. I don't think many are so certain. Now he says he has gone back and forth (clearly true).
seattle, I think the train wreck will come too. My C said that too and asked me if I thought H needed to crash before he would see it himself. Though I think she's a train wreck all on her own... (ok, that wasn't nice, but all the evidence points there).
You're dead on about H feeling he could have done it differently and not been where he is. He says that. He said a few times if he would have anything at all it would be to go back in time before it ever happened and erase everything. Now to this, I think, well here is the real opportunity to leave it behind and erase it.
I am so glad I don't have a WAS brain right now. It must feel awful.
So... next steps for me. I'm working on this...
Good news, I have an opportunity to land an exciting project coming up in 2 weeks... very excited for my new business!
You really sound remarkably good. Are there any books you turn to in times like these? Sometimes some of my books are all that prop me up. Not that I'm saying that's the case for you, of course. But if I can feel like this is a journey and it's all about learning, I feel better. It's when I think it's random chaos that I get stressed out, LOL.
Quote: am so glad I don't have a WAS brain right now. It must feel awful.
This is something I keep reminding myself when I feel too angry at H. I try to have compassion for the pain and confusion they must have. I remember H telling me, "I"m not suicidal or anything, but I don't really see the point in living."
Well, moving on to the bright side -- Congrats on your business opportunity! And have fun tomorrow with your friends and your belated birthday celebration.
I would say that since your H is confused, but that he would want to erase all this, that deep down a D may not be what he really wants. He may think getting a D is the only way to escape the pain he is feeling.
One thing is if after the D becomes final, if it gets that far, Your H will still be in pain! The pain will not stay with you, but go with him. He will realize that it won't make a difference, and he just threw his happiness away.
It's just a piece of paper, I know it hurts! God knows I do! But sometimes they have to do this before they figure it out.
I'm a writer/editor too! And PR specialist. We certainly do have lots in common.
Quote: Are there any books you turn to in times like these?
Pema Chodron's books and meditations have been v. helpful as have some books on yoga and Anger by Thich Naht Hahn.
Also, I attended one of Cheryl Richardson's seminars shortly after the bomb... had been reading one of her books pre-bomb, exploring self care. I've read them all since and seen her again, and her work has been very inspiring to me.
I've read a bunch of R books, and some of them have given me some insight (Lasting Love is interesting), but DB/DR have been the best by far.
BTW, my H was saying stuff like that too. Their pain is tremendous. Like you, I have also tried to have compassion... knowing my H as well as I have known him, there are few things that can convince me he is in a very bad way as giving me D papers for my birthday. This kind of says it all.
I agree with you, Wonder....for some reason they think a D will make them happy!
Some day they will realize they are STILL unhappy despite the fact that they went to all this trouble to get rid of us!!!
It is so frustrating soemtimes!
PS- I really like Pema C. Check out Snodderly's recommended reading list. It is very comprehensive!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Quote: Their pain is tremendous. Like you, I have also tried to have compassion... knowing my H as well as I have known him, there are few things that can convince me he is in a very bad way as giving me D papers for my birthday. This kind of says it all.
EXACTLY! Put yourself in his shoes, isn't very pretty is it? And to hand you papers on your birthday! Something is wrong within him!
wonder, Happy Birthday late. Truly, I was expecting papers on my bithday, Thursday. That didn't happen, but you can read about it later.
Of course you are disgusted with him. Riding this roller coaster wears one out. I haven't posted before, but I have read your thread. He came out of the tunnel. In his pain, he thinks a D will help. It doesn't mean he will see it through.
{{{{{ wonder}}}}} Pattie
Deb made a good point, their shoes aren't so great to be in. They seem to feel nothing but unhappiness and pain and of course, misery loves company. So guess who gets to miserable with him?
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
I've decided to commit to my "me" goals-- business, finances, creative stuff, having fun, (getting that hair highlighted since I'm overdue!). Detach from his drama and get back to basic DR stuff. And keep the faith while I keep going forward.
I was surprised last night -- after my birthday celebration (LOTS of fun, and very cool gifts like an aromatherapy facial)-- my mom told me to focus on myself but do not give up on H yet, that he has love in his heart for me and that he is making mistakes because he does not know how to resolve things.
Ok... and just for some amusement here, I have GOT to share this because it amazed me. My horoscope--which I read for fun now and then-- yesterday said in part:
This is likely to be an ugly time for you - as reality meets you square in the face. This is the time to make some much-needed adjustments and changes in your overall approach. Remember that insanity has been defined as doing the same things over and over again, while expecting different results!
And H's (which I just had to read after reading mine) said in part:
Many of the problems in your partnership - or lack of - stem from your own personal issues that simply need to be dealt with. Make it your personal goal this week to seek out new ways of dealing with negative issues that continue to plague you. When you are finally able to work through these difficult personal issues, problems in your partnership will magically resolve.
Glad you are having some good times, focus on those as you know and the bad parts won't seem so bad. Those facials are nice pampering treatments that pick you up!
Confusion reigns in the WAS head. Sometimes they will even admit they are confused and say they don't even know what they want. But for some reason they are fixated upon this decision because they made it some time ago and keep pushing for it. Why? Maybe they feel this is their somthing different. They have been fixed on this so long that they don't realize the somthing different now would be to give it a chance, either verbally or through actions. I do believe they will carry the pain and confusion with them, it is not within the LBS.
