month 4

[Denver_2010]

We ended up talking for about an hour and a half.....i told her i'd never go back to a relationship like our old one....she told me she only had history to go on....I told her i wanted to start things slowly.....she told me she was happy and was scared she would lose that.....i told her i made mistakes etc...she told me she thinks she was depressed and is scared of going there again....I told her i wanted to get to know her and never bothered to ask her how she wanted to be loved.....she told me she should have spoken up more.....all in all it was a wonderful conversation but we haven't really talked since.

Wonderful conversation Carnac. Brought a tear to my eye. Seriously. It reminds me a few groundbreaking conversations that my W and I had along the way. You handled it nicely.

I don't think that you did anything wrong here at all. In fact, I think that you DB'd perfectly.

I did text her this morning...it was a question from the list that Lipton uses on the actors studio...what sound do you love and she texted back babies laughing... I had mentioned to her that i'd like to basically ask a bunch of questions to get to know her better...so i was happy she at least answered the question.

Again, a perfect contact. Not pushy or pursuing.

Ok, what now guys.....our talk was Monday.....no real interaction on Tuesday....a text this morning that she answered...where did I go right? Where did I go wrong? How do I continue on, but not be over eager, scare her off etc? Here are my thoughts.....Rome wasn't built in a day, patience is something I did/do struggle with so im trying not to bumrush her....I probably won't even send her another question off of the list until Friday because I want to talk to her daily but think she's not there yet. I also think that everything I heard from her during our conversation is that she's happy with things the way they are, but she never said she wouldnt want us back together, only that she wants to keep being happy and she's worried about the stresses that come with us being together. I agreed with all of that when she said it and validated everything I could. I even told her that I knew I had to overcome a history of telling her i would change but then not doing it.

Ok.....if you read all of that thank you very much I know its a book and i'll try to keep up more often so I dont have so much to add at once but it all happened pretty quickly.....

I think that you have done a fantastic job Carnac. Seriously, seriously. And something has changed here.

You just stated all of the things that you need to do... go slow, don't scare her away.

How do you get a squirrel to eat out of your hand? Don't scare the squirrel right? Get it to inch closer and closer to you.

I wouldn't initiate any contact for a few days. See if she does. You also might want to offer her a few days with your son. Let her know that you felt badly that she put all of that effort into the other night and that he hadn't stayed with her. Remind her that you value her above all else as the mother of your children. Women love this.

Keep ALL interactions fun and light... as much as possible. Don't try to have a R talk every time that you do talk.

I would wait a few days... the next time that the opportunity naturally arises, I'd go out on a limb and casually invite her to do something with you and your son.

By comparison... at the very beginning of my sitch, my W and I had very little contact. About 2 months into it I felt something change much like I do here. Contact started to increase and some of my W's anger had subsided. I was hanging out with SS. During a drop off, I told her that I had invited him to a see a movie the next week. I still remember, it was the Green Hornet. I just casually told her that WE would like it if she came with us. She told me that she'd think about it. A few days later she agreed to go. We went. Ate dinner beforehand. I just acted "as if" and did my best to be "okay" if that makes any sense. I just tried to have fun. After it was over and I got into my car I broke down and cried. It was hard. But it was the opening that I needed. W began to initiate contact a little more... next thing I knew, W wanted to have dinner to discuss the possibility of 'reconciling'.

It ended up taking me another 16 months or so to get to real piecing, but it was the start.

Remember the squirrel.