Quote: this is something that has worked very well when we have had disconnects in conversation-- or just leaving it in yesterday and leaving him with whatever he's feeling and whatever assumptions he's working off.
If this has worked well in the past, please do consider doing it!
What a tough time you are going through. I can tell from your words you are fed up and through with the vicious cycle of hurt that these conversations seem to give you. I think you are right in the fact the WAS keeps going back to these same "reasons" over and over again and then come back to say that THEY are tired of talking in circles.
When the truth is THEY are the ones talking in circles. I have always been curious what would happen if we actually gently made an observation. I feel as if we are talking in circles because you think I will not consider anything but complete reconciliation while this is not true. I would just want the opportunity to talk, go to C, explore, go on dates, whatever to ONLY SEE if we have a possibility of building a stronger togetherness. ONly to see if that is possible, not anything else. I feel as if I'm not even allowed that opportunity.
He might just say I don't feel like it or don't feel like trying and that I guess is where the validating and understanding DR comes in. Then we just leave it at that.
I have also felt what you are feeling now. Resentment and your efforts are for not. Truth is you have given this so much and have been dedicated for this. He obviously sees that.
The other alternative is the Dobson, fully letting go and he will feel that. Tough love. If you are ready for it, that is your decision. He may come back. Who knows. If he doesn't and you are ready, you will be happier since all this weight will be off your shoulders.
I have to be honest, I have just recently been reading your thread so only you know what is right for you. Be happy, you deserve to be.
Quote: As much as I love my H, I don't think I want this person in my life anymore. He has no idea how to be honest with me or himself, and no desire to look under the hood and deal with anything that could be resolved by him acting differently. He is just a struggling victim...
This is something I say to myself al the time. Not only does it make me feel better, but also the more I say it, the more I believe it!!!
Take time for all of this to sink in. I believe letting go and detaching is the best thing for you, but only you know for sure.
keep coming here to vent!!! (((((WONDER)))))
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
I was reading through your thread the other day, as well as Water's, and got in a muddle and posted something on her thread addressed to you... so now I am copying it on to your thread....
I was just reading some of your thread, and it so eerily similar - your H thinking that you wanted to leave him back before the A and all that... Looks like you've read my thread as I spotted a quote from it, about moving forward yourself and hoping that H looks sharp enough to catch the same train.
I am really sorry to hear about the latest developments. I am sure the only reason I am not D is that in this country you cannot divorce before three years of separation.
I was out in the park this morning and it was beautiful and I had this sense that whatever happens, whether H returns to me or not, I will be OK. I think I felt this way because I kept very busy the last three days, doing things with people and being validated by them.
Then I came home and sent H an email, the first in three days, and now I am back to hoping he will reply to me. Terrible roller coaster, this.
Maybe if you get to feeling "OK with him, Ok without him" you really will be able to move on and he may or may not catch up with you a little later.
What on EARTH makes these WAS think that their new relationships won't be headed the same way a little down the road beats me. No pain (work), no gain. No learning from the past, no escape from repeating history.
Wonder, what more can I say at the moment?
Here's a hug instead -
((((((((((((((((((((wonder))))))))))))))))))))
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: I believe letting go and detaching is the best thing for you, but only you know for sure.
Yup. I believe this too. On one level, I have detached some time ago... it was H telling me so insistently he'd had no intentions of the D anymore that lessened my detachment considerably.
I think the important thing is that I have not stopped moving ahead in my life, though I have given H more time and energy than he was getting before he said that to me. I've reached out more in reponse. So I won't be doing that anymore.
Livnlearn, funny about the mixup post. I did that on Azure's thread once. I've definitely been following your thread.
I loved your story about the park. Sometimes being out and busy helps. I tend to be someone who needs to balance all that activity with being alone and quiet too sometimes. Too many people makes me crazy. I know I will be OK without H... I've been OK for the whole time we've been S (so have you too, right?). Actually have been more than OK a lot of the time because I keep letting myself feel what I need to and have relied on growing my own inner resources. I love the changes I've made, if you know what I mean.
I decided to send the email with no strings or expectations.
It's something we've tended to do, and I had an epiphany last night about my role in our conversation and why after so long we'd talk like that.
As much as he was blocking the communication and dragging me into that pattern, I realized was also reacting to my own fear. Fear of what? Finally, it hit me: on one level, I am scared of losing him and was reacting to that. So I have some responsibility there. I thought that fear was "gone".
After figuring this out, I was able to say what I wanted to say. It was fine and felt good.
Oh, and seattle, what you said about the all or nothing assumption was one of things I was going to say in my email. Thanks for helping me say it.
Honestly, I don't expect him to respond and I don't need him to. I know he will read it, he always does. If he wants to respond, he will.
Whatever he chooses to do is his path now. He clearly has kicked me off of it. And he's clearly in the tunnel and more commited to staying in there than to anything we have discussed together.
My core feelings haven't changed. I am still a bit angry that he ambushed me the way he did, though.
How will I proceed? Who knows.
I do know it's back to all about taking care of me for a while.
I think we have been "sucked back in"; our H give us hope and then we shift gears. I guess, somehow even when they do this we have to stick with the same path; DBing.
I think deep down all of us know we will be ok, maybe not in some areas, but still we can survive and have been doing it during our separations.
Funny, I asked myself the reason I get so hurt by what my H does. I ask myself why I want him back and why I feel so insecure just in the though of loosing him.
I try to keep myself busy and keep moving forward. This is not always easy, but posible.
I think you are exactly right. And the kicker is that Bryan wrote that something like this on my very first ever thread here and warned me against it.
And here I thought I was heeding that good advice!
I was doing a lot of things differently, keeping what worked and doing other things differently... and really looking at my contributions. Totally committed to communicating better with him (something I really needed to do).
But I did shift emotional gears too fast too! Sheesh. Can we say "more of the same"??
I do wonder whether seeing our emotional gears be able to shift so quickly scares the WAS? Theirs shift so much slower that it's like they are holding on to the gears for resistance!
In the case of my H, he acts as if he is completely convinced that thinking patterns and assumptions and behaviors have nothing at all to do with how we feel.
I have experienced the opposite happen in my life so many times that I am always amazed anyone can believe this.
Quote: What on EARTH makes these WAS think that their new relationships won't be headed the same way a little down the road beats me. No pain (work), no gain. No learning from the past, no escape from repeating history.
Oooh. I would LOVE to know the answer to this. My H says he is learning from experience... and he did seem to be, too.
But on the other side, OW assures him he just married the wrong person and is now depressed simply because he's been holding on to his marriage...and why? Nothing he can do now but move on-- with her, of course. After all, she waited for someone like him-- she even said it "makes her sick" that he's married. Talk about mind games. This woman could write a manual.
I have a feeling he thinks only if he did this or did that it could have been different with you guys. Since he didn't he thinks if he had a fresh start he could avoid that with his actions. So he thinks he could avoid it in the future.
Problem is, it takes two to interact. So no matter how well he does, if OW isn't as well schooled as a DR tactics and he isn't either, they will fall into the same pattern as before. What can we do? Sit back and watch the train wreck. I'd like to think if they do go down that path, the train wreck will happen before anything is final and you guys have a chance to repair, that is if YOU are still willing. I guess thats why they say have faith and stay consistent. That train wreck will happen, not if, but when.
Wonder ~ Seattle is so right about the train wreck. It is really only a matter of time before the WAS repeat their mistakes. I truly believe that one day (it may be years from now...) we will all experience our spouses either trying to come back or admitting they blew it! Who knows where we will be by then??
We have learned from our mistakes ....they have not!
I think we get pulled back into their dramas at times and we have to hold up teh STOP sign.
You are doing the right thing and the changes you made will make your life so much better in the long run!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Quote: I truly believe that one day (it may be years from now...) we will all experience our spouses either trying to come back or admitting they blew it! Who knows where we will be by then??
We have learned from our mistakes ....they have not!
I think we are learning and realize perhaps too late for this WAS, but maybe for ourselves, we realize learning about ourselves and they way we deal with others is a lifelong experience.
I don't think the WAS would truely have started down the road to leaving the M, if they were not sure. I know we want to say they are "not thinking," but clearly they have been "thinking," thinking about not being in this particular M or R. I honestly do not see a scenario, where a WAS would return years later.
We can only strive to change the way we handle ourselves.
Thanks for helping me say it.
