Quote:

I believe letting go and detaching is the best thing for you, but only you know for sure.



Yup. I believe this too. On one level, I have detached some time ago... it was H telling me so insistently he'd had no intentions of the D anymore that lessened my detachment considerably.

I think the important thing is that I have not stopped moving ahead in my life, though I have given H more time and energy than he was getting before he said that to me. I've reached out more in reponse. So I won't be doing that anymore.

Livnlearn, funny about the mixup post. I did that on Azure's thread once. I've definitely been following your thread.

I loved your story about the park. Sometimes being out and busy helps. I tend to be someone who needs to balance all that activity with being alone and quiet too sometimes. Too many people makes me crazy. I know I will be OK without H... I've been OK for the whole time we've been S (so have you too, right?). Actually have been more than OK a lot of the time because I keep letting myself feel what I need to and have relied on growing my own inner resources. I love the changes I've made, if you know what I mean.

I decided to send the email with no strings or expectations.

It's something we've tended to do, and I had an epiphany last night about my role in our conversation and why after so long we'd talk like that.

As much as he was blocking the communication and dragging me into that pattern, I realized was also reacting to my own fear. Fear of what? Finally, it hit me: on one level, I am scared of losing him and was reacting to that. So I have some responsibility there. I thought that fear was "gone".

After figuring this out, I was able to say what I wanted to say. It was fine and felt good.

Oh, and seattle, what you said about the all or nothing assumption was one of things I was going to say in my email. Thanks for helping me say it.

Honestly, I don't expect him to respond and I don't need him to. I know he will read it, he always does. If he wants to respond, he will.

Whatever he chooses to do is his path now. He clearly has kicked me off of it. And he's clearly in the tunnel and more commited to staying in there than to anything we have discussed together.

My core feelings haven't changed. I am still a bit angry that he ambushed me the way he did, though.

How will I proceed? Who knows.

I do know it's back to all about taking care of me for a while.

wonder