That’s good AT, your right, no surprise anymore. Believe me, I am not going to push for the conversation. I am not planning on reaching out to her however there’s a decent chance she will call me today. I am now getting a bit hesitant for a face to face conversation. If she wants to talk, I might suggest that we have a phone conversation. Believe me, nobody knows myself better than me. To be honest, I have a fair amount of anxiety and feel a phone call might be the best scenario at this stage.
In terms of how I will react, I am fairly level headed. She’s not going to see any antics from me, that’s not how I work.
I know that we need to talk but I don't think that I am ready... I am trying to get in to see my psychologist and I would like to see her once or twice before we talk. She is very helpful. She is on vacation this week, and so I am hoping to see her next week. Can we wait to talk until then? I do want you to prepare yourself a little that I am not sure that we are on the same page. I want all of the hurting to end, I care deeply for you and do not want to hurt you. Please give me time to connect with her.
We do need to talk about the holidays, Christmas in particular. We could talk today over your lunch hour via phone if you'd like.
Son had a good meeting with his psychologist. I think he feels better. He is going again in 3 weeks and I will likely continue with that for some time - every 3 weeks.
Please know that I know we need to talk, I am just not ready.
That doesn't sound good. Any way you could meet with her psychologist yourself? I find they will give different guidance if they have more information.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
"I love my W but I don't want to stand in the way of her happiness."
^^^That is great. It truly is. I told my W those EXACT words during our conversation. I believe it's one of the most powerful things you can say to her, and it accomplishes a few things.. It shows that your love for her is unconditional... that you're willing to let her go find her own happiness... and that you know you can't change her mind.
As for her email:
While it doesn't sound like she's trying to meet up with you to start trying to reconcile, it also shows a LOT of things you can be hopeful about.
Clearly, she's not resolute in her decisions. If she was, there would be no need to keep delaying this conversation. She'd already be "Ready".
The whole "I want you to prepare, because I'm not sure we're on the same page" thing? That's an easy one. I'M 100% sure you guys aren't on the same page! She's a WAW! And you're fighting for the M that she walked away from. There's no new information for you there.
But, she clearly cares here. The whole "I don't want to hurt you. I want the hurting to end" stuff proves there is still SOME emotional investment in the R. Maybe not as much as you would like (actually, definitely not as much as you would like) but the fire hasn't extinguished yet.
In other words, you can't lose hope.
Also, if the confusion that she's conveying isn't clear enough, when you dissect the email a little further, it becomes even more compound... She starts off saying she doesn't want to talk until she's had a chance to chat with her IC... Then the next sentence says "We could talk today over lunch if YOU'D LIKE" and a couple sentences later, she says she's just not ready to talk.
As hard as it is to understand, the confusion is a good sign... or at least it's not a bad sign.
I can't sugar coat this and say that the email conveys a very positive message or that the conversation she's looking to have isn't going to sting... because the odds are it will.
But you've got a lot of things on your side here... Time is the greatest of them... but there's also hope to be read between the lines of her email. And I'd be willing to bet there will at least be a few glimmers of hope that come out in the conversation.
"I love my W but I don't want to stand in the way of her happiness."
^^^That is great. It truly is. I told my W those EXACT words during our conversation. I believe it's one of the most powerful things you can say to her, and it accomplishes a few things.. It shows that your love for her is unconditional... that you're willing to let her go find her own happiness... and that you know you can't change her mind.
As for her email:
While it doesn't sound like she's trying to meet up with you to start trying to reconcile, it also shows a LOT of things you can be hopeful about.
Clearly, she's not resolute in her decisions. If she was, there would be no need to keep delaying this conversation. She'd already be "Ready".
The whole "I want you to prepare, because I'm not sure we're on the same page" thing? That's an easy one. I'M 100% sure you guys aren't on the same page! She's a WAW! And you're fighting for the M that she walked away from. There's no new information for you there.
But, she clearly cares here. The whole "I don't want to hurt you. I want the hurting to end" stuff proves there is still SOME emotional investment in the R. Maybe not as much as you would like (actually, definitely not as much as you would like) but the fire hasn't extinguished yet.
In other words, you can't lose hope.
Also, if the confusion that she's conveying isn't clear enough, when you dissect the email a little further, it becomes even more compound... She starts off saying she doesn't want to talk until she's had a chance to chat with her IC... Then the next sentence says "We could talk today over lunch if YOU'D LIKE" and a couple sentences later, she says she's just not ready to talk.
As hard as it is to understand, the confusion is a good sign... or at least it's not a bad sign.
I can't sugar coat this and say that the email conveys a very positive message or that the conversation she's looking to have isn't going to sting... because the odds are it will.
But you've got a lot of things on your side here... Time is the greatest of them... but there's also hope to be read between the lines of her email. And I'd be willing to bet there will at least be a few glimmers of hope that come out in the conversation.
I agree with most of what AT just said. I'm not sure that I see the 'hope' that he's talking about. I wasn't looking for it. Any interpretation that you make is mind reading.
I do agree that you need to take a deep breath and relax. Nothing is happening right this moment that is going to kill you or that is irreversible. Nothing has changed. You merely have more information.
You should respond telling her that you understand and that she should take as much time as she needs.
"W, I completely understand. Please don't feel like you have to rush into anything. Take your time and we will talk when you are ready. I love you, you are my wife, and the mother of my children... but above all else, you are my friend. So go put our conversation on the back burner for now and try to have a great day. Rough"
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I can see how the "Hope" portion can be seen as mind reading, but I also feel that hope is a very personal thing... And in this case, I wanted to convey how easy it is to find hope wherever you look... even when all seems dark. Just a differing perspective on what seems at first glance to be doom-and-gloom.
But you're right. In some cases, you need to look for it.
I'd make a slight modification to Denver's email... For some reason the "go put our conversation on the back burner for now" line seems kinda harsh and/or judgmental to me (although I can also see the benefit of having just a little "edge" to this email too). I'd just rearrange the sentences to read like this:
"W, I completely understand. Please don't feel like you have to rush into anything. I love you, you are my wife, and the mother of my children... but above all else, you are my friend. Take your time and we will talk when you are ready. And try to have a great day. Rough"
Great stuff here mate. The main thing is you've got time and as AT says, she is confused. Besides, you have been expecting the D talk anyway, but lets not get carried away. The way your W's been lately you might not get that talk for yet another month and by then, many things will probably have changed in her mind.
I like the amended response myself. I also thought the "back burner" comment seemed dismissive.
Take care mate.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I know that we need to talk but I don't think that I am ready... I am trying to get in to see my psychologist and I would like to see her once or twice before we talk. She is very helpful. She is on vacation this week, and so I am hoping to see her next week. Can we wait to talk until then? I do want you to prepare yourself a little that I am not sure that we are on the same page. I want all of the hurting to end, I care deeply for you and do not want to hurt you. Please give me time to connect with her.
I don't like the sound of this because it sounds nearly identical to a convo I had with my W. She cared deeply for me, she didn't want me to be hurt, she was concerned about me, she wanted to talk to IC first, etc. etc. All of that was laying the groundwork for her departure. In your case your W is already out, so she may be setting you up for the D bomb. Nothing would please me more than to be wrong about this.
