"Ugg just found out my wife is trying to plan a play date with this dudes kids and my kids from her Facebook messages. We have been separated for almost 3 months and she is doing this. They are not even dating....he still to this day has not called her. She is still the one initiating the contact. Is it just me or is bringing my 6, 3, and 1 year old kids around this guy and his kids inappropriate? Is this common for spouse who walk away from a marriage. I don't even know how to confront her about this because she will know how I found out. And yet again I find myself feeling sorry for her and not angry. How could this even be remotely ok to do in her mind? My wife is a social worker.... A child therapist to boot who deals with kids that go through devorces on a weekly basis and see how this crap traumatizes them. And she is not dumb she has a masters degree and passed the test to be a licensed socialworker. I am telling you aliens took my wife and replaced her with what I see now.
Oh and I also found out the last of my pictures were taken down and wedding stuff taken out of our display case.... Guess she does not want new guy to see this stuff........
I cant wait till Tuesday when I talk to my DB coach."
M:30 W:31 D:6&1 S:3 Married 9 years 8/8/2012 ILYBNILWY Bomb Dropped: July 2012 Legally Separated: 8/3/2012
Hi I'm new to all this, it's been a little over a month for me. I feel it is wrong and way too soon. I would be devastated! Asi said though I'm new to all of this myself and am waiting on my copy of DR to arrive. I'd wait and see what some of the other members say.
You said you seen it on Facebook, wouldn't she already know you would see it?
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
First off i had a session with Laurie over the phone and it went well. I think I know where I need to go from here and how to act. She gave me some guidance and kind of put my mind at ease. Basically I am to continue what I am doing now but kind of back off just a little bit. LRT is not a good option right now just keep doing my 180's etc.
So the interesting part. My cousin who lives in Panama City has been asking for me to come down for the weekend and just relax. She lives right off the beach and said it would be good for me to just get away from the whole situation. After everything that I have found out I made a decision that I would try and get off this saturday from my second job and leave friday and come back sunday....my birthday is sunday fyi so this was kinda like a self present...when I dropped the kids off i mentioned it to my wife. I told her I planned on going to florida this weekend and I may not be able to take the kids friday that I would take them another day. She asked is it for work of fun...i said fun. She seemed OK about it and didnt seem bothered....well little did i know it infurated her.....I knew going in that there was a slim chance of me getting off this sat and I kinda wanted to see how she would react.
Fastforward 20 min later....i go on her facebook account and see she had posted a message just before I dropped the kids off asking what band would be playing at a festival this friday because she was looking to go out dancing.
The next post was right after i left..."must be nice being a dad where you get to choose when you be a father. But I am a mom and i have to be a mom all the time".
Also she sent a message to one of her girlfriends telling her that its funny how i cant give her money but I can go and take a trip to florida (first off i give her more money than i am required to give based off the child support part in the divorce papers)...That she hopes I get laid so that I would leave her alone...then follows that up with that is not nice i just had a bad day.
Here is the text messages back and forth from her and me
Me: "I am sorry i didnt realize you wanted to go dancing friday i will just hold off till November its not a big deal. Why didnt you just say something when I mentioned it you would not have made me angry. I should have communicated it to you earlier that is my bad. You deserve to go out and have fun.
Her: "I dont care. I can bring the kids. My girlfriend will have hers.
Me: "its ok i would rather spending time with the kid. you have them most of the week bringing them would make it difficult to have fun....you would spend most of the night chasing them around.
Me: "also i changed my schedule so that I am off saturday. If you dont mind would it be ok for me to start having them every other saturday?
Her: " I am find. Just had a bad day. Really go its your Birthday.
Her: "about saturday we will have to see because youngest is having a hard time already.
Me: "I am sorry you had a bad day all the more reason to go out and have fun. As for my birthday i have had 30 others i am not too worried.
Her: "maybe we could start with you getting them a half day on saturday
Me: "that is a good idea. Dont want to rock the boat.
Her: "no really go I will be fine I promise.
Her: "i took the post off facebook I did not mean to me mean. I am sorry.
Me: " i was in the wrong I didnt even consider you had plans. That was selfish of me.
Her: "i am PMSing, weaning off zoloft and in pain"
Me: "ouch must be tough being a woman. That and weaning off antidepressants can be a biznitch."
Her: "seriously go if you can. I would probably come home at 8 anyways"
Me: "honestly the chances of someone taking my terrible shift on sat would be slim to none. I would rather go when I have a definate.
Her: Well if someone taks it go you can see the kids before or after you get back.
Her: "the cake you brought was good. Thanks"
Me: "thank you very much that is very thoughtful of you. I really do appreciate it. And I am glad you enjoyed the cake. I saw it was chocolate and knew you would enjoy it"
Me: "well good night had 4 hours of sleep last night and am exhausted"
Her: "Okay good night"
End
The conversation started off bad and towards the end she seem to open up. Telling me how she felt, even going into personal things that you dont tell just any person. She even took the time to thank me for bringing her cake which i tought she would not even mention. All in all i think it went well. I maybe reading too much into her but part of me thinks she got upset at the thought of me going out of town and having fun(she does not know my cousin lives in florida)....her comment about me going out and getting laid was kind of weird.
I dont know thoughts?
M:30 W:31 D:6&1 S:3 Married 9 years 8/8/2012 ILYBNILWY Bomb Dropped: July 2012 Legally Separated: 8/3/2012
I think that you are still trying to talk your way out of this.
I think that you are still way too focused on that one thing, or that one phrase that will make her "snap out of it".
I think that you are still doing things JUST so that she sees you doing them, in hopes that she will suddenly look at you and realize that she F-ed up.
I think that you are trying to control the entire situation, by reading her messages(?) and trying to employ your tactics from that.
I think that you are still trying to define yourself, through her...
Twisted.....
Why do you think, that what she posted yesterday, about being a Dad, bothered you so much ???
Why did the message that you read, bother you so much ???
Look, she said that the marriage is over, and until she changes her mind....that will always be her decision....
I'm not saying that you can't influence her decision...
That is the concept of what DBing is...
You have to start living for you, and for the kids....
You have to start making the best decisions for you and them, without looking towards her for her approval.
Start by changing your focus...
Doing things for you...
Doing things with just you and your kids....
If her posts and status updates hurt you ???
Then stop reading them...
Stop being so available to HER...not the kids....her
Stop asking for permission to live...
What's the worst thing that can happen...???
She is gonna tell you that she doesn't love you and want to separate ???
I'm a little confused on what your custody arrangement is...
Here is the way I see it. You have to decide what is best for you and your children when it is your time with them. What my wife and I do is always give the option to each other to take the kids if one of us wants to make plans. Otherwise it is whomevers time with the kids to find the appropriate child-care. So what if she is pissed that you want to go out of town. It isn't about her anymore. Personally I am trying to have the most fun I can. Part of that is so she will start to think that being part of my life is better than being alone. If she wants to great, if not, at least I am enjoying life.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
See here is the thing the post did not bother because of how she thougth of me (i could care less on how she thinks of me)...it bother me because she was bad mouthing me as a father and all her family and friends who are also my family and friends could see it.
I am not trying to talk my way out of it. That boat has sailed years ago and is not coming back. As for living for me I am. Trust me when i say this, i want very much to get back with her if that is at all possible but if it does not happen then I will also be fine with that too. I know that the person that I have become is so much better than what I was. I admit at first it was for her but now that i see what changes I have made in myself(happier, more out going, fun to be around,ect) and also my relationship with my kids is so much better then what it was.
I admit it though part of the reason I am reading her messages is so I can get a feel on how she is doing. Had I not read the message yesterday she would have went on being angry and further justifying leaving me to her family and friends. So yes I do use some of her messages to my advantage but i also think that is not a bad thing. Even my DB coach made the comment that she thinks it can be a good thing to look at this stuff because you know how to react. When or if she ever tells me about this other guy i will not be shocked and will be able to control my emotions because I have reach to point of acceptance on that issue. Had she came up to me and said i am seeing this dude and I had no clue i guarantee my reaction would have been different then it would be now.
I am following what my DB coach is telling me to do. I let her know all that I do to help her as well as the stuff i do for me and the kids. She said it is ok to be available to her. Asking if she needs help with anything and if she says yes then do it if she says no then back off. When i stayed at the house and played with the kids and her out in the back, she told me that was a good thing. Trust me I am not doing this stuff just a random for no reason.
I may be confused but DB is part bettering yourself so that you will be a better person regardless of what happens but also in hopes that your spouse sees the changes and decides to try and work things out. My wifes biggest complaints was that I was never open to her was very critical and argued alot with her, that I never did things around the house unless she nagged me, that i never compliment her or supported her. I am doing 180's on these things, I am not critical of her and if she gets angry at something I did I admit I am wrong instead of justifying my actions like i did in the past. I will sometimes ask if she needs help with anything...not everytime i see her but once everyother week. If she asks me to help her out then i do it instead of complaining like i did in our marriage. I am supportive of her not and compliment her when I get the chance. The old me would be like screw your plan..i want to go to florida you change your schedule...what good would that do? All that would do would make her more angry. Instead I choose to comprimise.....my vaction to florida could easily be done another weekend...her going out dancing with her friends does not happen very often due to them having kids to and finding the time to go.
Custody is I get them Tues till 8pm and fridays over night and bring them back in the morning saturday. I can also get them everyother saturday but it states that I need to build up to that instead of just going right into keeping them all day. I have been working a second job on sat so that has not happened yet and will change once the new schedule takes effect. Instead of getting them sat i had been getting them on days i had off that were not Fri or tues. I want a more structured schedule so it does not impact the kids so that is why i want to do the sat thing.
M:30 W:31 D:6&1 S:3 Married 9 years 8/8/2012 ILYBNILWY Bomb Dropped: July 2012 Legally Separated: 8/3/2012
See here is the thing the post did not bother because of how she thougth of me (i could care less on how she thinks of me)...it bother me because she was bad mouthing me as a father and all her family and friends who are also my family and friends could see it.
Was anything she posted true ???
Quote:
I admit it though part of the reason I am reading her messages is so I can get a feel on how she is doing. Had I not read the message yesterday she would have went on being angry and further justifying leaving me to her family and friends. So yes I do use some of her messages to my advantage but i also think that is not a bad thing. Even my DB coach made the comment that she thinks it can be a good thing to look at this stuff because you know how to react. When or if she ever tells me about this other guy i will not be shocked and will be able to control my emotions because I have reach to point of acceptance on that issue. Had she came up to me and said i am seeing this dude and I had no clue i guarantee my reaction would have been different then it would be now.
Know HOW to react ???
Seriously ???
What happens when you have to react without getting advance notice ???
Being different, is not the same as just acting differently...
Quote:
I am following what my DB coach is telling me to do. I let her know all that I do to help her as well as the stuff i do for me and the kids. She said it is ok to be available to her. Asking if she needs help with anything and if she says yes then do it if she says no then back off. When i stayed at the house and played with the kids and her out in the back, she told me that was a good thing. Trust me I am not doing this stuff just a random for no reason.
I think that the word 'occasionally' should have been used there...
She is in full Divorce mode, with the possibility of another man....
And you want to be available for her ???
Letting her know all that you do...
How do you 'let her know' ?
Like, a throw it in her face kinda way ?
That is what I meant by saying that you are trying to talk your way out of this.
Why don't you let your actions speak for you here ???
Quote:
I may be confused but DB is part bettering yourself so that you will be a better person regardless of what happens but also in hopes that your spouse sees the changes and decides to try and work things out. My wifes biggest complaints was that I was never open to her was very critical and argued alot with her, that I never did things around the house unless she nagged me, that i never compliment her or supported her. I am doing 180's on these things, I am not critical of her and if she gets angry at something I did I admit I am wrong instead of justifying my actions like i did in the past. I will sometimes ask if she needs help with anything...not everytime i see her but once everyother week.
So you really aren't changing for you....
The parts in bold...you just did with me too.
Quote:
If she asks me to help her out then i do it instead of complaining like i did in our marriage.
You may not complain...but you remind her about those things....
Quote:
Custody is I get them Tues till 8pm and fridays over night and bring them back in the morning saturday. I can also get them everyother saturday but it states that I need to build up to that instead of just going right into keeping them all day. I have been working a second job on sat so that has not happened yet and will change once the new schedule takes effect. Instead of getting them sat i had been getting them on days i had off that were not Fri or tues. I want a more structured schedule so it does not impact the kids so that is why i want to do the sat thing.
I may be missing something here...
You said that it 'states' that you need to build up....
What is stating this, and build up to what ???
If I missed this, I apologize.
What did the normal day of child care, and how it was split up, look like before the bomb ?
This ^^^ sounds like anger, which is understandable but maybe mis-directed.
Quote:
it bother me because she was bad mouthing me as a father and all her family and friends who are also my family and friends could see it
If they are your friends and family then I am sure that THEY know that you are not a bad dad. And really at the end of the day…it’s what YOU and YOUR kids think that matter.
Quote:
Had I not read the message yesterday she would have went on being angry and further justifying leaving me to her family and friends.
Dude, you can read the messages till the cows come home. If she wants justification – trust me, she already has enough justification. That is the specialty of the WAS…justify.
Quote:
All that would do would make her more angry
FTR, I am not disagreeing with your action to not go. I would like to just point out that living for you is about YOU. It is really about YOU doing what YOU need to do for YOU. The minute you do not do this, the minute you waver to avoid HER anger, or anyone elses, well then it stops being about YOU. I am not saying be an as*hole…I am saying that having been where you appear to be, sometime we really are doing thing to get the WAS to notice. Once again, not critizing you dude..just point something out that you may not see. Peace, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
What happens when you have to react without getting advance notice ???
Being different, is not the same as just acting differently...
I am always faced with having to react to things I knew nothing about. I think I handle it quite well at this point. At the beginning I was terrible and there was alot of crying. I dont respond in anger. I try and stay calm and collected.
Quote:
I think that the word 'occasionally' should have been used there...
She is in full Divorce mode, with the possibility of another man....
And you want to be available for her ???
That is true it should have been used and I do only do it occasionally. I have not asked if she needed help with anything in around 2+ weeks. She initiates asking for help.
Yes she is in divorce mode and there is the possibility of another man...that make me plan B which is terrible. And no I dont want to be available to her all the time. Hence the reason I have not asked if she needed help since I found out about him. What I do know is this guy is giving her what she needs right now and that is support and understanding. I am trying to do the same when she allows me too. The moment i get the feeling I am overstepping my boundries I back off.
Quote:
Letting her know all that you do...
How do you 'let her know' ?
Like, a throw it in her face kinda way ?
That is what I meant by saying that you are trying to talk your way out of this.
Why don't you let your actions speak for you here ???
I worded this pretty terrible. When I said "Let her know" i was talking about my DB coach not my wife. I share very little about what I am doing or where I am going unless it is about the kids. She is the one that is openly telling me what she does/did and where she goes/went when I have the kids. Everytime I talk to my DB coach I let her know what has happened since the last time we talked. Good things that happened between me and my wife and the bad. She has said that i have made some mistakes but as a whole I am doing good and to continue with my goals and doing the things that are working which I am trying to do.
Quote:
So you really aren't changing for you....
The parts in bold...you just did with me too.
I am changing for me. Trust me i was a misserable person to be around. Looking back now the things i said, did, the way I acted was hurtful. I was in a full on addiction mode and was letting it control my life. My kids, wife, family, friends suffered and honestly i could have cared less...it was all about me and me alone. I am changing those things for me because I dont want to carry them into my next relationship regardless of if it is with my wife or not. But like I said I started off doing them because I wanted to win her back. After 2 1/2 months of going to a addiction theripist I came to realization that if i make these changes to win her back I will just revert back to my old ways eventially. Do I do or say some things to try and have her see me in a different light then just all bad..yes i would be lying if i said no. I try to make the most of the little time we have together and if that requires me to fake being happy even though i am really in a horrible mood i do it. I believe if you keep doing something you it eventially becomes natural.
As for the bolded words...cant say much here because you are right....
Quote:
You may not complain...but you remind her about those things....
I am not sure what you are saying here. If she asks me to pick something up at the grocery store if she knows I am there I just say ok I will leave it at the front door.
Quote:
I may be missing something here...
You said that it 'states' that you need to build up....
What is stating this, and build up to what ???
If I missed this, I apologize.
What did the normal day of child care, and how it was split up, look like before the bomb ?
In the divorce papers it talks about me having them overnight. They are all relatively young and we didnt want them going from never being in my appartment to sleeping overnight 2 nights in a row. So instead I am not sure the exact wording but it says eventially build up to having them stay with me from friday night to sunday morning.
Before it was they older two went to school and my mother in law stayed with the youngest and pick the others up at school. My oldest slept in my mother in laws bed. 3 year old slept in his own room and my youngest slept in the crib or in our bed.
M:30 W:31 D:6&1 S:3 Married 9 years 8/8/2012 ILYBNILWY Bomb Dropped: July 2012 Legally Separated: 8/3/2012
I think that the word 'occasionally' should have been used there...
She is in full Divorce mode, with the possibility of another man....
And you want to be available for her ???
That is true it should have been used and I do only do it occasionally. I have not asked if she needed help with anything in around 2+ weeks. She initiates asking for help.
Yes she is in divorce mode and there is the possibility of another man...that make me plan B which is terrible. And no I dont want to be available to her all the time. Hence the reason I have not asked if she needed help since I found out about him. What I do know is this guy is giving her what she needs right now and that is support and understanding. I am trying to do the same when she allows me too. The moment i get the feeling I am overstepping my boundries I back off.
Ahh...
You worded that earlier, as though you do ask her, but only when you see her...every other week ? I think you said ?
Not sure which witch is which there...
Originally Posted By: Twisted
Originally Posted By: Me
Letting her know all that you do...
How do you 'let her know' ?
Like, a throw it in her face kinda way ?
That is what I meant by saying that you are trying to talk your way out of this.
Why don't you let your actions speak for you here ???
I worded this pretty terrible. When I said "Let her know" i was talking about my DB coach not my wife. I share very little about what I am doing or where I am going unless it is about the kids. She is the one that is openly telling me what she does/did and where she goes/went when I have the kids. Everytime I talk to my DB coach I let her know what has happened since the last time we talked. Good things that happened between me and my wife and the bad. She has said that i have made some mistakes but as a whole I am doing good and to continue with my goals and doing the things that are working which I am trying to do.
Much clearer....
Originally Posted By: Twisted
Originally Posted By: me
So you really aren't changing for you....
The parts in bold...you just did with me too.
I am changing for me. Trust me i was a misserable person to be around. Looking back now the things i said, did, the way I acted was hurtful. I was in a full on addiction mode and was letting it control my life. My kids, wife, family, friends suffered and honestly i could have cared less...it was all about me and me alone. I am changing those things for me because I dont want to carry them into my next relationship regardless of if it is with my wife or not. But like I said I started off doing them because I wanted to win her back. After 2 1/2 months of going to a addiction theripist I came to realization that if i make these changes to win her back I will just revert back to my old ways eventially. Do I do or say some things to try and have her see me in a different light then just all bad..yes i would be lying if i said no. I try to make the most of the little time we have together and if that requires me to fake being happy even though i am really in a horrible mood i do it. I believe if you keep doing something you it eventially becomes natural.
As for the bolded words...cant say much here because you are right....
So how do you change that in yourself ????
Do you want to change that ???
Personally, I would do the things that I needed to do for myself. Not say a word about them, let my actions speak for me, and let her become curious over time, and have her start wondering about me....
All without looking over my shoulder, wondering if she is watching me or not. Because those are the things that I want for myself in this lifetime. It is the way that I want to present myself to other people.
I will tell you this....
This is the third time today, that you told me to trust you.
In my observations here, over the last 5 years...When somebody told me to trust them, it sends up red flags to me....
It makes me wonder if the other parts are true.
Why would I NOT trust you ?
I can tell you, that I trust what you are saying. I don't know you personally....only from your words here.
If I ask you to trust me, would you do it blindly ?
Or would you read my words, and decide from them if I was trustworthy ???
Little ways that we present ourselves, make a difference...
Originally Posted By: Twisted
Originally Posted By: Me
You may not complain...but you remind her about those things....
I am not sure what you are saying here. If she asks me to pick something up at the grocery store if she knows I am there I just say ok I will leave it at the front door.
More confusion from what you explained above....
I understand better now....
Originally Posted By: Twisted
Originally Posted By: Me
I may be missing something here...
You said that it 'states' that you need to build up....
What is stating this, and build up to what ???
If I missed this, I apologize.
What did the normal day of child care, and how it was split up, look like before the bomb ?
In the divorce papers it talks about me having them overnight. They are all relatively young and we didnt want them going from never being in my appartment to sleeping overnight 2 nights in a row. So instead I am not sure the exact wording but it says eventially build up to having them stay with me from friday night to sunday morning.
Before it was they older two went to school and my mother in law stayed with the youngest and pick the others up at school. My oldest slept in my mother in laws bed. 3 year old slept in his own room and my youngest slept in the crib or in our bed.
I don't quite get the rational behind that one Twisted....
Whose idea was it to....build it up ????
It just sounds weird to me....that you are their Father, and you have to build up spending the night with you...
