Wife in MLC? I'm seeking support / guidance

[TD35]

Thanks for the laugh. I look forward to the day when S & V only come from R talks and not just my mere presence.

[ForeverYoung]

I want to ask you something and think about it long and hard...what transpired in the 18-24 months prior to her going into crisis? Something had to have triggered her full blown mlc. Up to the point of the trigger, she may have been moving along, but there was a gnawing feeling of discontent that she hadn't felt comfortable w/discussing w/you because she wasn't sure how you would react.

Her Mom was in a downward health spiral. She was bedridden for 10 years, spent the last year+ in a nursing home, and could barely even talk when we went to see her. When my wife watched Mom take her final breath, that was the trigger.

Her first reaction was to jump on the exercise bandwagon, to avoid ending up in Mom’s situation. For the next few months I could feel her becoming more distant from me. I figured it was just grief. Any little incident would trigger crying, which was unusual for her. When asked about it, she told me she didn’t understand her feelings.

Then one night she passed out from drinking too much. (extremely rare for either of us) When trying to wake her, her body started to respond to my touch and I got carried away. When she awoke she cried and claimed I tried to rape her. Of course I felt horrible. This was the only time I done anything like this in all of our years together. Two days later she dropped the bomb.

Her issues were due to the fact that Mom was bitter and abusive, and didn’t show love or admiration to my wife. She also was an outcast in school. Her older brother took sexual advantage of her when she was 10 or 11. This last fact makes it easy to see why my actions that night pushed her over the edge. Ironically, she doesn’t hold it against me, and claims it’s not the reason she wants out. Looking back, I’m sure that it was only a matter of time until we ended up where we are now. The incident only brought her feelings to a head quicker.

[job]

FY,
Yes, her mother's death was the trigger to set her mlc in motion. I'm so sorry to hear what she went through growing up. She had a very painful childhood and it's going to take her a lot of time and space to work on her issues and herself. She will need to forgive herself for the things that she had no control over as a child. Hopefully, she will learn to love herself and come to realize that happiness comes from within and not from external sources and that you can't run/hide from life.

As I mentioned earlier, space, time, unconditional love and compassion are what you can give her right now. Be a friend and when she feels "safe" to talk to you, she will.

[TSquared2]

FY,

I concur with what Snodderly said, this has been my experience as well, and there are a lot of similarities between our W's early experiences and the "trigger" (with W it was her dad dying and the past s/a, lack of validation, emotional abandonment, etc).

T^2

[ForeverYoung]

As I mentioned earlier, space, time, unconditional love and compassion are what you can give her right now. Be a friend and when she feels "safe" to talk to you, she will.

Thank you, this is exactly the course I've been on. No game playing or constant 180's in some misguided effort to turn the tide. I'm being the best me I can be and staying consistant.

We get along good, and still do things together. I see no reason to rock the boat. I can actually see the depression lifting more and more, but who knows how long this will last. Of course she still is convinced that she isn't in love with me, but that's not to worry about for now.

I've never held her back from doing what she wants, and won't start now. My only concern is that she may find someone else in her travels. I pretty sure that would be a deal breaker if she refused to give him up.

[25yearsmlc]

Dear FY,

I never meant to suggest that you "disconnect" when I said you need to detach. Nor did I mean to suggest any game playing. A lot of this depends on how long you're willing to do whatever it is you're doing (and I sense that you're in this for a lot longer than many. No problem. Just remember that a basic principle of DBing is to monitor for results. Your measurment methods are a bit confusing to me. I'm not sure what you consider progress, versus stagnation or stalling.

As I mentioned earlier, space, time, unconditional love and compassion are what you can give her right now. Be a friend and when she feels "safe" to talk to you, she will.

Thank you, this is exactly the course I've been on. No game playing or constant 180's in some misguided effort to turn the tide. I'm being the best me I can be and staying consistant.

We get along good, and still do things together. I see no reason to rock the boat. I can actually see the depression lifting more and more, but who knows how long this will last.

Can you give an example of how you see the depression lifting?

Of course she still is convinced that she isn't in love with me, but that's not to worry about for now.

Not to quibble, (truly), but when will her not feeling in love with you, be something to worry about?

Do you have any sense of a timeline on that, even if only an internal private one?


I've never held her back from doing what she wants, and won't start now.


How's that worked so far? I mean, what is it that marriage keeps her from doing, if you've never held her back from anything?

What about the single life do you think she misses or wants?


My only concern is that she may find someone else in her travels. I pretty sure that would be a deal breaker if she refused to give him up.

So, do you think you've set any boundaries in the past? IF NOT, then what?

IF SO, then what?

All I am asking you, whether her depression is the only factor in her wanting out of the marriage.

IF it's Not the only reason for the bomb, then what are you going to do to help the marriage itself?

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks for your response and help 25, here are some brief answers to your questions.

Can you give an example of how you see the depression lifting?

Sure. She's been happier. Smiles more, laughs more. More into conversations with me. Increased eye contact when we talk. More helpful around the house. How long it will last nobody knows. I believe there is this thing called touch and go.

Not to quibble, (truly), but when will her not feeling in love with you, be something to worry about?
Do you have any sense of a timeline on that, even if only an internal private one?

You've been around these stories long enough. Tell me how long it typically takes a spouse to fall back in love in this type of MLC situation. We both know it doesn't happen quickly. This is why I see no reason to WORRY about it now. My timeline? I'm hoping I can last at least a year from BD no matter what happens, (next March) and re-evaluate from there.

I've never held her back from doing what she wants, and won't start now.

How's that worked so far?

Very good. If she felt controlled she would have bolted by now. Instead, she's seems more and more comfortable in our home. Like I posted earlier, her leaving or filing for D at this time seems highly unlikely. I told her in the beginning of this crises that I'm not the enemy, and I'm not stopping her from doing whatever she wants, including leaving.

So, do you think you've set any boundaries in the past? IF NOT, then what?

IF SO, then what?

Call if you will be late.

When the subject came up I also told her an open marriage would not work.

I mean, what is it that marriage keeps her from doing, if you've never held her back from anything?

What about the single life do you think she misses or wants?

Live on her own, do everything for herself with no one's help, discover "who she is". Party more. GAL. Date.

All I am asking you, whether her depression is the only factor in her wanting out of the marriage.

IF it's Not the only reason for the bomb, then what are you going to do to help the marriage itself?

No, the MLC is not the only reason for the bomb, and this has already been acknowledged by me in this thread.

Of course there have been failings on my part, and correcting those faults and being more attentive to her needs is what I've been working on. Being the best husband I can be, adding some new things to my life, and being consistent about it all.

[ForeverYoung]

"I told her in the beginning of this crises that I'm not the enemy, and I'm not stopping her from doing whatever she wants, including leaving."

I also told her that her leaving is not what I wanted. An important point to make clear with a WAS in my opinion.

[ForeverYoung]

Had a really fun weekend. My sister #1 had a harvest party at their house on Saturday, over 50 people, friends and family, lot’s of food and fun. The musical kids put on a short show for everyone. Wife and I went together but then pretty much went our own ways. I made a dish all on my own to bring along, and it turned out good. I've been doing a lot more cooking the last few months, and have been trying some new things. When sister #1 asked if I cooked this by myself, I said yes, I've been starting to cook more lately. My wife offered with a laugh that I have too, because she stopped cooking! Sister #1 said she wished her H would cook more. I'm actually finding it fun!

Sunday my wife and sister K went for spa treatments and shopping for sisters b-day. Her husband and I went to a huge car show/swap meet and had a great time. We talked about his sitch briefly, (my sis moved out of his house 6 months ago) and I offered my thoughts, which was to stop being such a Mr. nice guy trying so hard to please her, (it’s not working) and instead take care of himself, be confident and assertive and earn back his wife’s respect. No talk about my sitch because no one in the family knows about it! (Sis K must know at least some, but is not letting on)

Wife is still on her happiness high. Very little sign of depression for over a week now. We’re getting along better, way less tension in the air, but I’m still giving her plenty of space, which is what she wants. I walked up while she was on her iPad late last night and brushed her hair for a few minutes while we talked. It felt good. Put my hand on her shoulder and hip for a brief moment and she accepted it. I wasn’t trying to snoop but I did see a paper with a hand written list of passwords and accounts on it. I’ve already been wondering who/what she’s been writing, so yay, now I have more to wonder about. Oh well, life rolls on!

[ForeverYoung]

4 days since my last post and things are still going steady and smooth over here. Even my concerns over iPad activity now seem unfounded. She doesn't seem to be hiding anything, has been very open with me, even tells me stories and shows me pictures she's received from friends. No getting upset with me either, but I have witnessed her express contempt for others a few times! Seriously, the worst I got recently was "I thought it was unusual you opened one bill and not all the others." "Why not just open them all?" It seemed like she was ready to really get into it over this, but I gave my reasons in a non defensive manner and we moved on.

I'm feeling more and more comfortable just doing my own thing and being my(new)self, and at the same time she's definitely more happy than a couple of weeks ago. A connection? I'm thinking so. She still seems "troubled" at times, and still prefers space to herself, but I understand that. Immediately after BD it seemed like our floors were covered with wall to wall eggshells. Now I can see there is actually carpeting and tiles under there!

I'll be driving her to the airport tomorrow morning for a fancy 5 night spa resort getaway. (on huge discount through her work) Still wanting space and time on her own, this fulfills her plan to "Be away from here for my 50th birthday". She tried to take my sister K along with her, but it turned out she couldn't get off work this week. Sis has been looking at new houses with her hubby. Since she moved herself out of his present house 6 months ago, this is good news!

My plans for the weekend include going to the drag races with my brother and BIL, or going to the local fright night with a co-worker. I also hope to find a new TV and have it in place before my wife gets home Thursday.

Next week I start an 8 week fitness boot camp with some of my coworkers. I already exercise plenty and certainly don't need to lose any weight, so this only means I'll have to eat even more than I already do!

Maybe I'm blinded by love or something worse, but I just can't see this rope that Cadet says I'm afraid to drop. Again I ask: Is there really only one way to DB? I can't help but feel like I'm on course. Someone smack me with a 2x4 if I'm wrong.