Thank you all so much for the ((((())))). I am still a bit stunned and angry, even after a nice warm bath and some sleep. I am feeling a lot... got a lot of that out last night.
I felt last night that he was trying to drag me into an old negative pattern and/or argue with me every time I responded to anything he asked me. A few times I started to succumb, but mostly I caught myself mid-stream.
Like when I said that I was "feeling his resentment about me being friends with BIL", he said "So I don't deserve a R with my B?" I pointed out I had not said any such thing, had I? (nor would I ever say that--it's preposterous) He said "I don't know."
He obviously has a lot of feeling left and is clearly pretty depressed. I really don't think it's about me. He says I haven't been pressuring him and that he clearly remembered the conversation in which we talked about letting go last fall -- HE is the one who came back to me.
But at this point, I'm feeling pretty disgusted with his self-absorption. And really fed up with him acting as if he should get some kind of special credit whenever he does anything that a decent human being would do instead of being a complete jerk. (even when I have said I appreciate whatever kindness it is, the response that "i didn't have to do that" just makes me want to scream).
And really exhausted listening to him tell me he "feels" I did X and then say he knows it isn't true that I did X but it is how he "feels". That is just madness. I respect his feelings tremendously, but they aren't the same thing as assumptions not based in fact and flat-out false accusations.
As much as I love my H, I don't think I want this person in my life anymore. He has no idea how to be honest with me or himself, and no desire to look under the hood and deal with anything that could be resolved by him acting differently. He is just a struggling victim...
And knowing all I do about OW, it makes me so sick and sad that he wants that in his life.
