The crack in my perfect life...

[Accuray]

Sweetbriar,

I'm glad this is helping:

I wish I had known some of this stuff when H was coming back and forth..before he left for good. In his mind, because he came back 3 times, that was "trying" even though he never let go of OW:(

I wouldn't worry about it -- you can't turn these things around quickly, it will always take longer than you think. I don't believe H was "trying", I think he was cake-eating, and I think you did the right thing by maintaining your boundaries.

WRT the age difference, I see you trying to psychoanalyze H. That's a *very* common thing to do for people in this situation, because if we can blame the WAS' departure on a mental illness it can make it easier to accept. Unfortunately, it's rarely "the reason" they left. It can be a contributing factor, but it's usually the result of a very complicated set of things that are all inner-related. The best advice is not to spend too much time trying to diagnose your spouse's illnesses.

He has never lived on his own, washed a load of laundry, emptied a dishwasher or shopped for himself. I wonder how this will all work out for him when he is on his own in a new place and has to do it all for himself.

Having to do those things MAY lead him to reconsider sooner than he would otherwise, but it also may not.

I often resented that he didnt help more and I think he resented that I didnt work...Not in the beginning, but lately now that the kids are older....I think this is one big issue that we kept sweeping under the rug and internally were really upset about...it all seems so much clearer now...and this is just one thing of many...

These are excellent things to take stock of because they inform your behavior and treatment of each other. In my own sitch, I took the attitude that if things about me bothered W and lead to resentment, they would probably eventually bother anyone, so I better address them.

I must admit that its hard to believe that being happy, getting on with my life, digging deep within me and changing will make any difference with him at all.

It may not make a difference for him at all, but it won't make things *worse*. If you pursue him, shame him, don't give him space, beg, plead, etc., those *will* make things worse.

If you "act as if" you are happy and get on with your life, eventually you will feel that you are happy because our feelings often follow our behaviors. In addition, if you are happy, you will be more attractive to everyone, H included, although to your point he may not be ready to look.

The point is not to do it as a tactic to get him back, the point is to stabilize your situation so it doesn't erode any further, and to start getting yourself back to where you want to be.

He is so negative and very sure of his decision to never return to our M. I know the purpose would be to benefit ME and NOT H, but he is so convinced that we will all get on with life, that kids will get over it, that we will be better apart, that when this does happen (the moving on and happiness) I dont see him revisiting our M, but saying "I told you so, I made the right decision".

Yes, this approach is counter-intuitive. A very important component of DB is believe nothing that they say and only 50% of what they do. My W told me that she was "Done" and that there was "no chance we will ever reconcile", yet we have. I got the same speech about the kids being fine, everyone getting over it, blah blah blah. It's all WAS script, they all say the same things. Don't believe it -- his mind is far from made up and he is suffering with his choices.

To make it easier for him, he wants you to act a certain way to enforce that he's making the right choice. He wants you to do things that push him away, so that he knows he did the right thing. Often the WAS will actively provoke you to be the bad guy. Don't buy it -- don't play that role. 180 their complaints and act-as-if everything is good.

It is pursuing him, arguing, pleading, etc. that will lead him to conclude he made the right decision. Changing up your behavior, how you look, and how you act will have him questioning if he knows you as well as he thinks he does. That seed of doubt is your friend, so change things up.

If the WAS is so convinced that this is right, and that things will get easier as time goes on, when things do get better and easier, why would they all of the sudden want back? You would thing that they would think, "thank goodness she is over me and I can move on without guilt". Just wondering???

There are a few things here -- one is that they get extreme "the grass is greener" thinking before they leave. They envision themselves living like they did when they were 22. When they actually get out on their own, in a crappy apartment and married friends who don't have time to go out partying with them, they'll start to get lonely and the "grass is greener" fascade will fade.

Secondly, there was a reason he married you to begin with. There is something about you that he needs. Overtime, that has become overshadowed by resentment, negative cycles, etc. etc., but it's still there, and it can play a role again.

Third, right now, you are an "insurance policy on the shelf". He feels that he can do what he wants and if things don't work out you will welcome him back with open arms. When he sees you moving on, letting go, having fun and being happy, he (1) fears his insurance policy will disappear and he'll suddenly take interest, (2) wonders what's driving your happiness, and (3) will be attracted to the fact that you're confident, put together, and look like an attractive mate -- it can "clear the decks" if you will.

This does NOT always happen, there are no guarantees. You may do it perfectly and he may not come back or re-engage, but the point is, if you get there, you may not care anymore because you *are* happy without him, so you come out ahead either way.

how do you "train him that a future with you will be different" if you never see each other and he cannot see the changes on a regular basis?

They always notice. Even in cases where people don't reconcile, the WAS almost always notices and comments on the changes. The challenge is not to have them notice, it's to have them believe that the changes are real, permanent, and not a tactic to get them back at which point everything will revert. You can't do it to put on a show because that is transparent. You have to commit to it and truly do it for you. If you monitor them waiting for them to notice, it will feel like they never will. Once you stop paying attention, they'll notice.

I have not invited H to any Doc appts or sonograms because of his lack of interest. He did mention to kids that he wished he could be there...I wonder if this is something that Im doing that he is resenting me for? Any suggestions for this? I felt like If I asked him to join us

Don't do it. He knows you're pregnant, he knows you'd like to reconcile, there is no need to do anything to remind him of either thing at this point. Inviting him to your doctor appointment would be "pursuing" and he will resent you for trying to force him back into the fold. If he wants to participate let him reach out to you.

The general rule for the LBS is to mirror, but don't escalate. If he eventually hugs you, you can hug him back, but don't kiss him or say ILY. If he reaches out to you to talk about daily matters, you can reach out to him to discuss things on the same emotional level. If he doesn't reach you, you don't either.

You can make it seem, through your mood and language, that if he DID show up at a doctors appointment it wouldn't be a punishing experience for him and wouldn't lead to expectations that things are now going to lead to reconciliation.

I often tell the LBS that the WAS sees you as a pent up dam of emotions and expectations, and if they let any water over the top or through a crack, the whole thing will release and they will get carried away by the flood. That's why they act so cold, heartless, and sure of themselves. They are definitive because to show you *any* compassion risks having you attach a giant load of expectations and emotion to them at a time when they can't handle it.

Accuray