How do we live "together separate"?

[cat04]

Mrsrjd,
I have been trying to give you some time to just assimilate what has been written on your thread and read other threads…

I told you I had questions, which is something I tend to be very good at…

As well as general thoughts...

I hope that you don’t take any of them the wrong way because they are not meant with any malice, rather with curiosity and a hope that you will begin to be able to sort out your thoughts and feelings a bit…I apologize up front if anything is bothersome to you, although I will tell you and you have probably seen it written here in many threads, if something stings, it might be something you want to look deeper at.

Our marriage has not been paradise for a very long time but I really thought it was "ok" and chalked the lacks up to personality traits. If I were to grade the marriage I'd say C+ or B most of the time

Were you really ok with a C+/B marriage or did you wish that it could be better than that?

There have been 3 affairs that I know of. I found out about the 2nd one first. It was after 6 years of marriage and was with a girl who worked for my H. He even had me (stay at home mom) watch her son while... At the time of his confession of the affair he did not apologize and would not commit to being faithful in the future because having the affair just made him feel so good. I felt the kids were better off with an intact family so I sucked it up and stayed despite the anguish in my heart.

Did you really forgive your H for the first A that you found out about? Or did you just sort of sweep it under the rug and go on with living?

I thought I forgave my X for the first affair, but what I came to realize was that it was simply buried, and it affected how I interacted with him for the rest of our M.

After the confrontation H expressed desire to find someone to talk to. He doesn't have any friends and doesn't like the idea of professional help so that left him with me. In the interest of saving the marriage I tried to be objective and put aside my own heartache to help him with what he called "baggage". He felt there must be some large and compelling reason for him to be unfaithful because he simply doesn't see himself as "that kind of person".

This was an incredible thing to attempt. I realize as a W, we want our H to talk to us, and we hope that it can help the R, however this sort of set you up to receive the blame, he may have not been as open as he would have been with someone else, and I can only imagine how it tore at your heart.

In the first days I made our distance more obvious but was told by H that would defeat the purpose of bothering to stay together at all so unless I wished to expedite actual separation I should attempt to make things appear "normal".

My first thought on this is classic MLC. He is trying to put you in the driver’s seat of his decision. Setting you up to be the responsible party so that he doesn’t have to be the bad guy.

I am not ready to leave financially or emotionally (not ready to break up my kids' home)so as of right now I could be called a hostage.

I remember this feeling. I felt very stuck for a long time. Eventually, I decided that I had to do something for myself. Because truly, the only one keeping me “hostage” was me. I started small. I began going to a church with some friends. I found that I really liked it. I always had faith and it gave me something to look forward to each week. It didn’t cost a lot of money (just what I put in the offering basket) and often, surpisingly, I found great comfort in what was talked about, and it gave me the opportunity to start seeing things a bit differently.

I don’t know if you are spiritual, many people discover their faith through this process, it is something to consider. Simply to get yourself out of the situation for a little while.

Eventually, I began doing other things as well, I found a friend to walk with once a week, began going to the malls and whatnot, even just to window shop. All of these things helped to empower me and allowed me to really get to know myself again.

I suspect the man who courted me is long gone. Or never existed outside of my mind, hopes and dreams.

H doesn't want to think of himself as "that kind of person" and doesn't want to take ownership of his behavior.

Both of the above quotes are probably true. The man that courted you is long gone, although he did exist.

It is very normal for people in MLC to not want to take ownership of their behavior.

Eventually, as they come through the crisis, they begin to see what they have done, and some work through it and make amends, and some keep running because they can't deal with the fallout. No one can predict who will come through and who won't.

I am a class one doormat. My father was probably bi-polar although this was never diagnosed. His behavior, not entirely different than H's, taught me to walk on egg shells and keep my mouth shut.

Is being a doormat how you want to feel for the rest of your life?

I understand that it is a coping mechanism, however I have to question if you really believe it is a healthy way to deal with your thoughts and feelings?

So I don't know what I want. On strong days (minutes?) I want nothing. Other times, I want whatever I can get. Staying together until the twins turn 18 in two years does make sense so I'm fairly sure I want that.

I can see the logic in this. I realize the small sense of security it gives you right now as everything has been turned upside down.

Don’t waste this time though. Use it to make sure that when the “deadline” comes (because at this point you should probably assume that is what it is), that you are prepared.

What can you do to make the most of this time for your future?

Is there a time when its ok to ask "Oh, by the way, still planning to leave?"

Yes there is a time when it is ok to ask that question. It will be when you are at a place that the answer won’t rip your heart out if the answer is yes.

I don't understand this at all. He treats me just the same and sometimes I wonder if I imagined "the bomb". But then I remember all the email exchanges with the ow. And now I notice how very one sided attention and affection are for us. (Although in the interest of detachment I have STOPPED reaching for him, telling him I love him etc) So I guess the bomb did occur...

Yes, I too remember feeling this way at times.

Learning about MLC will help you to understand this more and it won’t always feel so surreal.

I just can't fathom continuing to live "as usual" with someone I "don't love" and "don't want a future with" so its hard to wrap my head around his actions. And not being able to discuss it with him makes it even more bewildering.

This is how you feel. Your H probably feels that he can go on like this now because he probably feels as if he was living that way for a while. I know that sounds harsh but the truth is, they don’t just one day wake up and have this decision and then tell us.

Most often, it is something that has been brewing in their minds for a long time. So the relief that they feel when they tell us is great because they have finally gotten everything out in the open. And now, we should feel the same way.

Very often, they have no plan beyond telling us. Some of them then come up with a plan, others feel that by telling us, we will then take over and do the work to achieve the result (divorce) that they want.

I know who I am. I know my weaknesses and am working on finding my strengths.

So who are you?

What are your strengths?

What are your weaknesses?

What do you enjoy?

What makes you smile and warms your heart?

I am new to this forum and hardly think I have enough postings for anyone here to presume they know what I am feeling.

While none of us knows exactly what you are feeling, we have all been bombed. There is no one that I know of on this site who posts, who hasn’t experienced a bomb. Who hasn’t felt the fear, shock, sadness, anger that grips your heart when you hear those dreaded words. We are all at different places in our timelines, in our healings…

So that is where my thoughts are right now with you and your sitch...

I hope you are having a good day.