We have an MC session tomorrow, I would really like some advice on the questions regarding the money sitch and the ILYB book... I think this is going to be a pivotal session with MC...
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
So I talked to W's uncle... He and I have been tight ever since I met him. He has been very unbiased and a great person for support. Tonight he did something out of character though, he told me that he had an in passing conversation with my W and asked her how sue was doing. He said that he wants to make sure that W can keep talking to him but he felt compelled to tell me that W made the statement while in tears " I am afraid that if I leave him it will be a huge mistake". He didn't tell me any of the rest of their conversation but he said he really felt I needed to know that. He wanted me to know that W is feeling that it could be a mistake to leave NOT that it could be a mistake to stay.
He proceeds to tell me to keep working on myself that he notices a difference in me and that I shouldn't be a afraid to rock the boat if W does something that upsets me..
Thoughts on this thread so far? Did I write a title that no one wants to read?
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Two days ago W asked me if I could or would take 5,000 out of my investment account to pay off a few high interest loans at the shop. I was taken back by this question and only responded with a "i will have to think about that". She is the one who after all was worried about buying a 400 blender together and deciding who would get it if we split. So why all of a sudden would it be any better if I were to take money which was pre marriage, and partially a gift from my parents and put it into the business to pay it back as it can...
I sorta feel like WTF why would you ask that but at the same time the business has been paying for my health insurance even though I don't work there anymore.. so I sorta feel obligated...
Thoughts?
That's a tough one. I guess it would depend on how much 5k is to you, to some people it's nothing and to others it's a huge sum. If it's a lot of money to you, then you need to evaluate the risk/ reward. The risk side would be evaluating the chances you'll never get it back, the reward side would be whether you earn interest on the payback (I would hope so). Look at the two and decide if the risk is worth the reward.
Originally Posted By: Just A Guy
Also been reading ILYBIBILWY on my kindle, GREAT book!! I really think that if my W read the book it would help.. But that could just be the optimist in me?
I don't think it would help right now, maybe later. When I read Michele's chapter in DR about the WAS I thought "wow, surely this will resonate with my W". I found a copy of that chapter online and emailed it to my W. If it had any impact on her she sure didn't show it. That was before she moved out, so things certainly got worse after that although I doubt it was due to that. I'm just saying it didn't help any either.
Originally Posted By: Just A Guy
He said that he wants to make sure that W can keep talking to him but he felt compelled to tell me that W made the statement while in tears " I am afraid that if I leave him it will be a huge mistake".
That's a great baby step, but don't mention it to W since it was told to you in confidence. Just celebrate it inside and keep plugging along with your 180's!
In the ILYB book he recommends "healthy arguing" as the most istfective way of bringing lost passion back to the surface. This is a direct contradiction to what DR talks about and the 37 rules.
Should I test the waters with a healthy argument? Should I bring up any of the things I have been learning about in the book at our MC session today?
I feel so confused by the fact that I see a clear and direct path to reconciling now and yet feel like I can't share it with my W.p
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
In the ILYB book he recommends "healthy arguing" as the most istfective way of bringing lost passion back to the surface. This is a direct contradiction to what DR talks about and the 37 rules.
Should I test the waters with a healthy argument? Should I bring up any of the things I have been learning about in the book at our MC session today?
I feel so confused by the fact that I see a clear and direct path to reconciling now and yet feel like I can't share it with my W.p
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
On my way to the MC for the first time in 3 weeks. Any one have any sage advice on my ?'s above or anything else?
I feel like asking the MC to dig deeper into the issues, that we have been going to her for 6 sessions this session and I do not feel she has really started to find what the underlying issues are. A good therapist directs the conversations and asks the tough questions which turn over the stones that lead to the problem and ultimately a solution.
IF the MC told my W that she had some idea of the underlying issue and she had some ideas to help solve the sitch I know.that my W would be receptive to the ideas and trying them.
Thoughts??
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
So I did something, not sure where its going to go from here...
I am using my laptop to write this because I wanted to get it all out on here and not mess it up because I was typing it from my Cell Phone....
We went to MC today. It was the 6th time we have gone. Each time I hear the MC keep telling us that we are such a tough case because she says we have "All the right tools and foundations to make it the long haul". Yet she is constantly puzzled because she cannot seem to figure out why W has no desire or passion for me.
W talks highly of me, thinks I am attractive etc...
So today after about 15 minutes of this loop de loop that was leading nowhere the MC asked W "Do you have an idea now that we are 3 months into this what you feel you need to do in the situation?"
W responded with a "No, I am still not sure. One moment I think I figure out I need to leave and the next I need to stay. It can change even 2 or three times a day".
After that there was a little talk about this and that to soften the mood and then I saw it. The golden opportunity to bring up the book ILYBINIWY.
MC started to talk to me about how I was feeling since we last talked. I told her I was doing a lot of good for me and I was reading more, taking time for myself, giving W space and support when she needed etc...
She then started to ask me what discoveries I had made. One thing led to another and finally it just came vomiting out that I had been reading the ILYBINILWY book and I was astonished at how well it described me and our sitch. The next hour was spent talking about our ack of arguing or even the fact that we have not once had a fight which we came out of having a sense of direction or feeling like things were resolved.
I told her how I had never known good or bad conflict resolution, and how my angry emotions scared me. that letting them out on W with words I was always worried she would pack up and leave because the things I got upset about were so seemingly little sometimes. So I held them all in and shut those emotions down.
W piped up and said that over the course of the past 3 years she has stopped having conflicts because she feels bad since I never show that I am mad. So she felt guilty arguing over things when I never got mad at her. We have both been numbing our emotions and in turn our M.
When MC asked about the book and I told her more and how powerful it had been for me W piped up and said, "See this is what I am talking about. You find these things and you dont even share them. I feel like we have a business partnership together rather than a Marriage." I told her I was sorry but I didnt want to pressure her or make it seem that I was trying to sway her with books on fixing our M. MC asked W if she might have thought that ans W said "maybe". MC laughed and said, "Now we are getting somewhere"..
I do not know whether this is going to help, work or even hurt. But for the first time I feel like I asserted myself, didnt avoid the conflict but told her exactly why I did what I did and she admitted that she might have assumed things the wrong way and that could be part of the reason we dont share as much as we used to.
MC said she wants us to have some "Playful arguing" where we pipe up about things that annoy us or irritate each other but that we do it light heartedly. She wants to see us in 15 days after W goes on her "retreat" and we have had time to rediscover light arguing and opening up to each other again.
Worst case scenario I learn how to stand my ground, speak my mind when it needs to be spoken and express what I am feeling when its negative without clamming up.
For the FIRST time in 6 session NOTHING was mentioned about separating or the big D, AND W still has not made up her mind so I still have the gift of TIME!!
Wish me luck and feel free to flame me for what I did today lol...
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Each time I hear the MC keep telling us that we are such a tough case because she says we have "All the right tools and foundations to make it the long haul". Yet she is constantly puzzled because she cannot seem to figure out why W has no desire or passion for me.
W talks highly of me, thinks I am attractive etc...
Sounds exactly like our MC sessions. W said she loves me, respects me, finds me attractive, enjoys the sex and thinks I'm a great father. MC said that was the foundation for a great relationship! W said she knows that, but she doesn't "want to try". The MC was totally perplexed. She kept probing trying to figure out why W didn't want to try, but the only responses she could get were "I don't know." This went on for 5 or 6 sessions and MC finally told W that she felt separation was the next step. W jumped all over that like she had been waiting all along for someone else to say it. W immediately started making her departure plans and said she didn't want to go to MC anymore.
I think a lot of WAS's just make up their minds and there is absolutely nothing anyone can say to them to change anything. In my W's case I'm convinced nothing would have changed as long as she was at home. Will S change things? Only time will tell.
