Life as an Authentically Living LBS.

[ericmsant2]

I would also recommend 'The Journey from Abandonment to Healing' by Susan Anderson.

I second that recommendation.

[ForeverYoung]

I also agree, at the risk of sounding arrogant, that there was NOTHING I could have done to stop the crisis.

We often hear how LBS's have made themselves into stronger and better people after having been rudely awakened by their spouses MLC. How, because of all the work they did on themselves, they now live a more authentic and fulfilling life. By doing this, they have not only starved off having their own MLC, but are also leading by example on how to best find personal fulfillment; something their spouses are bound to notice if it is indeed genuine.

So while my MLC wife is certainly dealing with some childhood issues that I am likely unable to help her with, she is also searching for true meaning and purpose in this short trip we call life. Here is where I feel I most certainly could have done better myself, and had some effect on her.

Had I stepped up earlier in the game and led the way by adding more meaning, purpose and authenticity to my life, I firmly believe I could have lessened the severity of, if not even completely prevented her MLC.

Even so, I see no benefit to brooding over this 'failure' now. Like most everyone else, I did my best with the tools and knowledge that I had at the time. Live and learn, and continue to grow from here forward.

[job]

FY,
You may have made her path a little bit easier, but if she does have childhood issues to deal with, you could not have lessened the severity or completely prevented her mlc. We all go through a life transition at various stages in our lives. Unfortunately, your wife is one those individuals who could not navigate her life's transitions well and that's one of the reasons why she ran.

For those w/less severe issues to resolve, mlc is just a blip on the radar screen. We may go out and purchase a new car, remodel our home, take an extended vacation, fish or garden more, pick up hobbies and become obsessed w/them until we have navigated our transition, but we don't run. We may think about it, but we turn our focus to other less severe forms of work to help us through this time. Those who run away and act out are the individuals who have deep, deep issues and they never learned how to convey properly their thoughts/emotions/feelings to their parents/authority figures along the way as they grew up.

You did not fail, you were a great husband/friend to her. The only way that you can assist her now is provide her plenty of space and time to work through her issues. If she should talk to you about her feelings and where her life is taking her, provide validation. If she does something that helps you along the way, thank her. She needs this affirmation. Be a friend to her and really listen to what she's saying when she does speak to you. Many times, if you can sift through the mlc garbage that comes out of her mouth, you'll discover some things that she won't come out and tell you directly.

Keep the focus on you and your family. Your journey is not over yet and neither is hers. No one can predict what the future holds, but we must stay positive.

[LoisB]

Thanks for all the information, support and suggestions. I took a look at both Pittman's and Anderson's book. I ordered both!

Sounds like H's affair is of the Romantic variety which really hurts. Never thought he could love anyone the way he loved me--but it did register that these romances fade away and the WAS is left with a pretty brutal reality. It also registered that women seem to take affairs more seriously than men--that women have a hard time understanding how a passionate affair (even when the WAS is convinced it's love) doesn't really represent real love--AND that the WAS usually sees this truth and begin to value what he/she sacrificed.

Not sure I could ever trust him again. Not sure I will ever trust anyone again. I hate that he has done this to me and the kids. Left a mark that will be with us forever.

And, he was there when my Dad did the same thing. How could he put me through this again, knowing how painful it was the first go around. Not sure I would ever deal with my Dad's betrayal/my abandonment, though, if this had never happened.

But, will keep going forward and read, read, read. My first instinct when reading Pittman's clip on Romantic Love was to send it to H. Maybe, just maybe he will see the light? In my case, I know the drugs play a big part in the attraction. Maybe that's a blessing. With my dad, no drugs were involved. He just felt that he completely loved his secretary and it tore my mom up in a million different ways.

Why do I have this history of men who have MLC and walk away? Is this true for everyone? My H, Dad and Grandpa... weird. I think Anderson's book will help. My mom is still stuck in some ways--I can still hear in her voice, the pain and attempts to understand how my dad could betray her. I don't want that. I want to move through this as best I can to help my girls recover and, eventually, have successful relationships themselves. I actually do have faith this is possible.

Thanks again,

Heather

[ericmsant2]

Heather

that women have a hard time understanding how a passionate affair (even when the WAS is convinced it's love) doesn't really represent real love

Not sure I agree with this ^^^

Not sure I could ever trust him again. Not sure I will ever trust anyone again.

YOU can but it is NOT easy...then again, anything worth anything is not easy. eh?

I hate that he has done this to me and the kids. Left a mark that will be with us forever.

I sooo get this..That said, "done this to me"..is a victim mentality. Yes the mark will be with your for a while but YOU and only YOU can determine...how long, how you deal with, and IF and HOW you allow it to change you.

Not sure I would ever deal with my Dad's betrayal/my abandonment, though, if this had never happened.

And if there is ever a silver lining in all of this crap..maybe this is it. Maybe it really is time for you to deal with the past abondoment issues. Maybe this is truly the gift you were given. Yes it [censored] how/the manner it was given..but it was given none the less.

Maybe, just maybe he will see the light?

Doubt it. Chances are it will be viewed as manipulative. He is on his journey you are on yours now.

Why do I have this history of men who have MLC and walk away?

It is NOT YOUR history. You did not make them have thier crisis.

Is this true for everyone?

A lot of people have issues. I would say that for a while that I felt the way you did about women. Why did mom leave me..why did my W leave me, why did every female figure in my life abondon me?

After a lot of soul searching I came to realize it was NOT ME. It was really not my fault. I came to realize that not every women would leave me. It was what it was. It was the cards that God dealt me. In a wierd way, I came to realize that it as horrible as it was..help shaped who I am today. And I like me!

Abondoment is horrible...but it can be overcome. YOU can grown from this and you can have a happy and healthy life.

I think Anderson's book will help

EXCELLENT book. It actually helps explain some of the chemical reactions we go through as the LBS.

I don't want that. I want to move through this as best I can to help my girls recover and, eventually, have successful relationships themselves. I actually do have faith this is possible.

Then don't accept it! Promise YOURSELF that you will be/do your best. Your girls will look to you as the role model. Model your life they way you want to live it. As for your H..leave him be...leave him in God hands.

God Bless,
Eric

[ForeverYoung]

Those who run away and act out are the individuals who have deep, deep issues and they never learned how to convey properly their thoughts/emotions/feelings to their parents/authority figures along the way as they grew up.

I know for a fact that my wife has issues from childhood that she is now dealing with, and I realize that I didn't cause them and can't fix "em. But do all people in MLC have unresolved issues? Either way, isn't there other issues driving the crises? The feeling of being unfulfilled, searching for something more, time running out? One doesn't need unresolved childhood issues to go into a crises over this.

Had she (and I) had more fulfillment in our life’s, maybe there would not be so many regrets, so much thoughts of years being wasted.

Thank you for your thoughts on the best course of action for my situation. I couldn't agree more, and have been proceeding in the manner which you have laid out.

[LoisB]

Eric,

Can you explain what you don't agree with in the first comment?

Thanks for the feedback!

Heather

[ericmsant2]

Sorry...I quoted the wrong line...

It also registered that women seem to take affairs more seriously than men

I didn't agree with this statment...mabye because I am a man.

[job]

FY,
Those who run are the ones that have unresolved issues from their childhood. The one main issue that drives the crisis is depression. Depression is about the past and anxiety is about the future.

Yes, the feeling of being unfulfilled, searching for something more and time running out is all part of the crisis. The feeling of unfulfilled for the runaways is very extreme and that's why they are out there searching for something more. Mortality plays a role as well because they do feel like they are smothered or choking and want to do everything they can before they die.

FY, years were not wasted in your marriage. What is happening to your wife right now isn't about the fulfillment in your marriage. It's about her and the feelings that she has stuffed for years and years prior to meeting you and yes, she will project those feelings/thoughts, etc. on to you because you are the most readily availble to lash out at and blame for her unhappiness. It's not YOU or your marriage!

I want to ask you something and think about it long and hard...what transpired in the 18-24 months prior to her going into crisis? Something had to have triggered her full blown mlc. Up to the point of the trigger, she may have been moving along, but there was a gnawing feeling of discontent that she hadn't felt comfortable w/discussing w/you because she wasn't sure how you would react. Then again, mlcers assume that we know how they feel and recognize their unhappiness...unless they discuss it w/us, we don't know.

Give her time and space. Contact her only when necessary...allow her to come to you.

[LoisB]

Could use some thoughts on this 180.

I have this feeling that reaching out in some way to H is a good idea. BUT, It has to be brief, a one time deal and my words need to be carefully chosen.

I spent about 8 months texting constantly all my feelings (rage, fear, despair, hurt, etc...)

Seems like what's worked in the past is a simple, brief forgiving and supportive message. Then, leave it.

My motive is to plant a seed that I'm not enraged and not going to chop his nuts off when/if he reaches out to me. I'm thinking that he may be having some moments of regret and I want to simply work to make myself a safe person again.

Thoughts?

Heather