The crack in my perfect life...

[Sweetbriar]

I cannot thank you enough for all the time and effort you have put into my post to help me. It is sooo appreciated! I am getting a much clearer picture just by the advice you have given me and others too! I am realizing more and more and now I wish I had known some of this stuff when H was coming back and forth..before he left for good. In his mind, because he came back 3 times, that was "trying" even though he never let go of OW:(

I wanted to mention, after you mentioned the affair and the way they met and the age difference, that its weird that the 2 OW he has met have been older, and that his Best friend is also 20 years older than he. I just wonder sometimes, that because of his lack of relationship with is parents over the years and being abused my them as a child,( mentally and physically) that he is looking for a mom and dad figure in his life? I must also mention that his only other sexual relationship before me was when he was 16 and the lady was in her late 30s or maybe even40!! Disgusting if you ask me, but this seems to be a pattern, except for me...

In regards to our relationship and expectations, H did NOTHING around the house because I felt that was my job because I did not work. He only mowed the grass and did the trash (funny you mentioned those very 2 things!!) and I did all the rest. This was kind of our deal because he worked and supported the family financially. H grew up in a family where his father did nothing, and I mean NOTHING. His father still does nothing...work..but never has lifted a finger in the home and his mom had done it all. H is now living there, so he has gone from our home, where I took care of everything he needed, to his parents home where his mother is doing it all. He has never lived on his own, washed a load of laundry, emptied a dishwasher or shopped for himself. I wonder how this will all work out for him when he is on his own in a new place and has to do it all for himself. Maybe that is what he has felt like he missed out on, or maybe he will fall apart? Who knows? I often resented that he didnt help more and I think he resented that I didnt work...Not in the beginning, but lately now that the kids are older....I think this is one big issue that we kept sweeping under the rug and internally were really upset about...it all seems so much clearer now...and this is just one thing of many...

I must admit that its hard to believe that being happy, getting on with my life, digging deep within me and changing will make any difference with him at all. He is so negative and very sure of his decision to never return to our M. I know the purpose would be to benefit ME and NOT H, but he is so convinced that we will all get on with life, that kids will get over it, that we will be better apart, that when this does happen (the moving on and happiness) I dont see him revisiting our M, but saying "I told you so, I made the right decision".

If the WAS is so convinced that this is right, and that things will get easier as time goes on, when things do get better and easier, why would they all of the sudden want back? You would thing that they would think, "thank goodness she is over me and I can move on without guilt". Just wondering???

I loved the advice on paving a smooth path...would like to head in that direction, although how do you "train him that a future with you will be different" if you never see each other and he cannot see the changes on a regular basis?

I had a much better day today, no tears for 2nd day in a row....that is good for me, but they come in waves...weekends are hard and this particular weekend I dont have many plans...so I gotta get making them or Im gonna be in for a lonely weekend:( My oldest does have Homecoming...her first one..that is exciting:) And....Im really looking forward to next Wed, as my girls and I find out what the baby's gender is...we cannot wait!

I have not invited H to any Doc appts or sonograms because of his lack of interest. He did mention to kids that he wished he could be there...I wonder if this is something that Im doing that he is resenting me for? Any suggestions for this? I felt like If I asked him to join us, that he was getting the joyous parts of our lives and that he doesnt deserve them after his lack of asking about the pregnancy and for what he has done. This is an example of how my mind works, and after reading the last post from Accuray, I realize that I am punishing him for his behavior and this could push him farthur away...A HUGE 180 for me would be to invite him to the appointments...It would be hard though, because Im still so darn angry...