The crack in my perfect life...

[AnotherStander]

Today I made a huge mistake and started talking R with H when he texted about the kids. All this did was make me sad, and of course give him the chance to tell me that our marriage was over.

R talks put pressure on the WAS at a time they don't want pressure, so they respond in very negative ways. That's why it's advised not to bring it up with them.

He says that he has done soul searching and realizes that we can never make each other happy. So, of course, I want to tell him all the good that was in our marriage. I didn't, but I wanted to.

Glad you didn't, because he just would have responded back with something like "I was faking it the whole time". WAS's are masters of rewriting history, and for the time they're immersed in it they seem to believe it. I think at some level they know they're full of it, but at least near the surface they believe what they say.

My kids are having such a hard time with him being gone and it makes it easier for me to somewhat beg.

Begging will never, ever get the results you want though. I'm glad you didn't go there.

He says he would like to revisit the idea of him coming back to stay in the guestroom in March when the baby is due...told him not a chance. He cannot just leave, stay gone, tell me our marriage is over and then want to come back and be a part of our house when the baby is born.

Sounds like a fair and reasonable boundary. I'm curious, is this a 180 for you? Do you normally let him get his way on stuff like this? If so then this might be the kind of 180 that helps him to realize he can't call the shots anymore.

His last text was "I love you and care about your, really!" and it hurts me to see that you are still struggling with this" Really, did he expect me to be over it??

Believe it or not, he probably did expect you to go along with it. In the month after BD when my W and I were going to MC, she expressed shock to the C that I was fighting so hard for the M. She just assumed that I felt exactly the same way she did and would embrace D with open arms. I think that's part of the WAS mentality, they just assume their spouse feels the same way about the M that they do. It's bad, it's always been bad, there's no love, etc. etc.

I really dont know if I can do this...the pregnancy is really making me extra emotional and I have my other 2 daughters to take care of also. I hate for them to see my cry.

I'm very sorry you're suffering. I hear maybe a little bit of desperation in your posts, you may want to talk to your PCP and explain what's going on and get tested for depression. You've got plenty to contend with in caring for two girls and being pregnant, adding depression on top of that can be devastating.

I know Im not supposed to believe him, but Im am beginning to believe its all my fault, even though I know that isnt true.

Just remember that he's rewriting history. It's no reflection on you, that's just his mental state right now.

[Cadet]

My 2 conditions were:

1: No drinking

2: NO OW

I didnt think they were too harsh at all.

Nope they were fine and reasonable.
YOU must have BOUNDARIES and these are two very good ones.
DO NOT cave on these two, you do not want him back if he can not agree to them.

This is not about YOU it is all him, but you must take the focus off of him and put it on YOU.

[Accuray]

Sweetbriar,

I just read your thread -- I'm very sorry for what you are going through, that is very difficult to read. You are right, betrayal is "soul destroying" and creates more pain than can be imagined. One thing I will share with you is that time will heal your feelings -- broken hearts do mend. Know that no matter what happens with H, you WILL feel normal again, and may even feel better about yourself than you did before.

I went through this situation about 18 months ago now -- W and I are now truly piecing and things are going well. In my journey, I observed that the majority of people who get divorced seem to come away feeling that their spouse was the cause of all their issues. The big value that I personally took from DB was to challenge that perspective and to realize and "own" the difficulties that you brought to the relationship yourself. Why is this important? Why, when your spouse is putting you in more pain than you thought possible should you start examining your own flaws? Because they are the only thing that you can CONTROL right now, and regaining control will simply make you feel better.

I was discussing with my DB buddies that the more time passes, the easier it is to see yourself as the victim versus a co-perpetrator in causing your marriage to go south. I can tell you, however, that the more time you spend challenging yourself and digging deep, the more that you understand yourself, your insecurities, your needs and your vulnerabilities, the more you will assure yourself that you are a spouse only a fool would leave, and the more confident you will become that you can make this marriage or the next one successful. If you don't address your own issues and focus on H? The divorce rate for second marriages is appallingly high -- why? Because people who had "non marriage friendly" attitudes and behaviors that did not address them simply took them forward into a new relationship. Address those things and you can virtually guarantee yourself success.

Like "AnotherStander", I'd like to see yourself dig deeper than "I didn't stroke his ego enough". What else about you could be considered subject to improvement from a marriage perspective?

You and your H both have needs in your marriage -- those needs are in a hierarchy, some are extremely important, and some are less so. What often happens with affairs is that you get into a mode where you are not meeting all of each other's important needs. That's not because you are bad, evil, or willfully neglectful -- more often it's because (1) you don't understand what your partner needs or don't appreciate the importance and (2) your partner has done things to make you resentful which doesn't provide incentive to make the extra effort.

We tend to get into cycles where we're not getting our needs met, so we withdraw, or nag, or punish. Our spouse is then hurt by these behaviors, becomes even less likely to meet our needs, and you have a cycle going that drives the two of you apart.

Now if your spouse is not having their important needs met by you, they are VULNERABLE. Let's say of your H's top ten needs, you're meeting 3 out of 4 of the important ones, and 2 out of 6 of the less important ones. Now he meets an OW who is willing to satisfy that important need he's missing with you, maybe one more of his important ones, and 3 of the less important ones you are not meeting. Unfortunately, those things will take on a huge amount of increased importance, because he has literally been starving for them.

Once he leaves you, however, those things YOU were providing are now gone, and he mourns their loss, which is why he keeps saying he wants to come home, then he gets there and misses the stuff you're not doing and he's off again. It's a yo-yo dynamic where he's getting his needs partly met by different sources. You can break that dynamic longer term by figuring out how to meet ALL his needs, and educating him on how to meet yours.

That's very important -- it's not his responsibility to figure out what you need by mindreading -- it is your responsibility to figure yourself out and teach him what you need and how.

A few books for you to read:

1) "The Five Love Languages"
2) "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It"
3) "His Needs, Her Needs"

All of them are available as e-books. I truly believe that if you can read those three, they will help you with your situation and give you a path to pursue.

A few observations for you:

1) You keep beating yourself up about not letting him move back in when you had the chance. YOU MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE. Setting and enforcing boundaries is a very important skill to have, and you're doing a very good job with it. You should not take him back until he's willing to stop betraying your marriage, work with you on building a better relationship, and providing complete transparency. Do not waver on this boundary or you'll be right back here. You've tried that, you saw what happened, so don't do it again!

2) Relating to your pregnancy:

although he questioned we should keep it. (one of the 2nd things he did to make me thing something was really wrong with him..the first was the A) I told him there wasn't a choice. Period.

Okay, so you got pregnant unexpectedly. That's returning to having an infant and caring for a baby, it's a major life change for at least five years until the child is fairly self-sufficient. It's a major expense, another college tuition, and at a time when your marriage is in trouble.

Your H wanted to discuss with you if you should keep the baby, and you shut him down cold because in your opinion, to even ask that question means that "something is really wrong with him".

A new baby is going to turn your H's life upside down, and rather than discussing it with him and validating his feelings, and listening to what he had to say, you just said "talk to the hand, your feelings don't matter". Now you're angry because you don't feel he's being properly supportive, asking about your doctor appointments, etc. You made a major life decision unilaterally, steamrolled his objection, and now expect him to get in line and support you in the way you need it.

Is this a pattern in your marriage? Is this another thing you need to work on? When my W feels very passionate about something, she probably gets her way 95% of the time, but I can tell you that for me, it makes a BIG DIFFERENCE if she listens to me, has a discussion, and validates how I feel about it if we don't agree. If I feel she just steamrolls me, I will resent that, and I won't feel good about it for a long time. You do NOT have to agree with him or be a doormat, but if you're in a marriage, you do have to listen and validate, and be willing to discuss.

3) Controlling and Punishing:

I just dont get that he would put us all out of our home...(Then later) In fact, would probably benefit me.

So your H wanted to refinance to lower the mortgage payment, and you spun that into him wanting to put you and your kids out of your home, and then got mad at him about that. After speaking to your lawyer, you learned that his plan will actually benefit you?

Is this a pattern you need to examine? Do you have a habit of assuming the worst?

The only hesitation is that it will benefit H and he will be able to move out of his parents, get his own place and do exactly what he wanted from the beginning. I know I shouldnt care, but I feel so burned by him, that I kinda wanted him to suffer at his parents for awhile!

You can't control H -- he's going to do what he wants, and trying to put up hurdles will just make him resent you. With regard to wanting to punish him and make him suffer, is this a pattern you need to look into? Have you been passive aggressive in your marriage and done things to make sure H "pays" for his transgressions against you?

Finally, you mentioned that when your father was living with you, H started going out at night to escape the "pressure" at home. What was the pressure H was escaping from? Did H agree to having your father move in? Did he buy in, or was he given no choice?

I'm not saying these things to beat you over the head, please take them in the spirit of gently prodding you to take another look at your role in things. My questions above could all be "no" answers, and you could certainly be faultless in all of this -- you'll just do yourself a great service if you dig deep.

I feel very badly for your situation, and H has certainly done very wrong by you. He made bad decisions and has treated you very heartlessly. To focus on that, however, doesn't take you forward. The path forward lies in doing the hard work on you. If you become the kind of spouse that only a fool would leave, then you will never have to fear anything like this happening again.

Accuray

[scaredsilly]

Sweetbriar, I recommend you read this advice from Accuray several times. You are very lucky to get his input. IMO, he's the wisest vet on this board.

[tori2012]

Agree. Such wise words from Accuray.

[Sweetbriar]

Wow! I feel so lucky today to have gotten this great advice! I have read and re read the responses I got and I must admit, it really got me thinking about things.

As...yes, I KNOW that I am currently depressed:( Having never really experienced depression before, there is no doubt in my mind that this is it! The problem remains, that I am pregnant and meds are not recommended at all for the baby. I have talked to my OBGYN about my situation and she did mention that sometimes the benefits of meds outweigh the risks, Im still very scared to take anything that could potentially affect my baby. I am trying really hard to get through the next 4 1/2 months of pregnancy and then we have already talked about going on meds as soon as the baby is born. I do know they take time to work, as my H has been on them our whole marriage.
The R talks this weekend were backwards steps for me, for sure...Im mad at myself for letting them happen. I knew in my heart it would get me no where and it only makes the days after that much harder to get through. Why do I put myself in the position to hear all the negatives again? I will never know...I also appreciate you reminding me that he is rewriting history now..nothing is more sad than hearing how horrible the life was, that I thought was good.

Cadet- thanks again for your continued input. I know that those boundaries were not to harsh, and I am glad that I stuck to them. I just sometime second guess myself, out of lonliness and sadness. I went to my IC today and he also said that I need to stop focusing on what H is doing and will be doing and start focusing on myself and of course, my kids.

Accuray- wow...I have read your post many times today, just taking it all in. I think that you are so right in so many things. After reading your post and really thinking, I do think that I have way more to work on for myself than I thought. I dont think that I always listened like I should have and probably did steamroll H on many occasions. I also believe that he was starved for some things that I didnt give him, and the one major thing was affirmation. This is what I meant by stroking his ego, but I know its deeper than that. It was the nagging of what he didnt do sometimes, rather than complimenting what he did do. He did say to me this weekend over text that he feels like I talk to him sometimes like he is beneath me. I can tell you that it probaby does come across like that sometimes. I will say, that because of his depression and extremely low self esteem, that he does think a lot of things are negative, even though they arent. I can recall many times that he would complain about friends, neighbors, teachers, etc that he thought were being negative toward him and really, I didnt take it like that at all. I think now, that it is the way he perceives himself as not worthy or not good enough.
I do know a bit about the OW, as she is a relative of someone I work with. (H didnt know this at first...) Her EX died of alcoholism and was in a mental institution before he got sick and died in the hospital. I would like to believe that she was also looking for someone to say the right things. One thing that H did say to me in counsleing was that she said things to him that I never have. I dont believe that I have never said them, but I do believe that its been some time and he loved hearing those assuring words from OW. (he is so cute, funny, great singer, etc..) H claimed that she gave him unconditional love and asked for nothing in return. This was only after knowing her for 2 months, hard to believe it was unconditional love, but if that is what he says...

About the pregnancy, maybe you are right in expecting him to be there when he really didnt want it in the first place. To be honest, I was just as devastated at the news, but knew that anything other that having the baby was out of the question. I know my H's take on abortion and such, and that is why I was stunned to hear him utter those words. I did shut him down on that decision, although I see where I should have at least listened to his reasons so he felt validated. He has since changed his tune and says he was just shocked and loves this baby. I would like to think that is true, but actions speak louder...I think that listening to his reasons and validating his concerns and thoughts was something I lacked in and would be something that would have to change if our M ever were to work.

The refinance I was scared to do, as if we are headed for D, it didnt seem to make sense to refi our home. The reason I said he wanted to put the kids and I out was because of his constant threat of forclosing on us. I just didnt know what to do, so when I asked my lawyer and she said that refi would be beneficial even in the separation, I agreed to it. I am just scared all the time of his ideas because I dont trust him and the house is a big deal to me and where the kids and I live. I didnt want to be pregnant, with 2 teens, 2 dogs and no where to go. I think I do assume the worst at the moment, I have not always been this way. Just very hesitant with any major decision right now.

My dad moving in was a JOINT decision, in fact, I was more hesitant because I know his personality. H was the one to assure me that we had to help him. The problem arose when he fell, and had a brain injury, which he is a miracle to be alive from. He was very, very close to death. When he came back and had to have some care during recovery is when H got stressed. I often think about this and wonder if I should have not let me come here after the hospital, but again, joint decision. I do think that I was also stressed, taking care of my house, my family and my very sick dad....and I have felt that I was not supported in this by H and I thought that is what a H and W do, is help each other and family if they have to. My dad moved back in Feb 12 and H met OW in March 12, so honestly, it wasnt very long, so this was NOT the sole reason for his stress.

I have been wanting to blame H for everything since I have felt so hurt and rejected. Is this normal?

Lastly, I do see that I have to dig deeper..thank you and others for that! I do need to start realizing that I cannot control what H does and that if he gets his own place, than I cannot stop him. I also need to focus on ME and not HIM and realize that he is going to do what he wants now. Its not that I want to control him, butright now, I resent that he has been able to walk away so carefree, leave me, our children, our unborn baby, our home and live with no responsibility. Live happy, free and make this look so easy for him. Its hard to watch.

The other thing that is hard, is that he asks the kids things about what we are doing, what we are thinking of for names for the baby, where we are going on the weekends, etc...so he knows what we do and what I do. The kids tell him I dont know anything about his new, exciting life...although he does say he is very unhappy and sad...sometimes I wonder...

Today was a better day, the posts helped and I also saw my IC. I had a scare today...started spotting at 19 weeks pregnant and got worried. After calling doc and getting info, they said that I HAVE TO WATCH MY STRESS LEVEL...of course, this is close to impossible right now, as over whelmed as I feel , but I started to think that is this worth losing a baby over or having to be on bedrest for the next 4 months? I know it seems like nothing could get worse, but it could...and so my scare also put things in perspective for me today. I am fine tonight, but I need to be careful...

I pray every night for strength and for a light at the end of this tunnel. I used to say that my H was the only one who could show the light, but I need to start realizing that I am the one who has to walk toward the light. Right now, I feel like I am blindly living my life.

Tonight my oldest told me that she wrote a poem in English class today (she is an amazing writer, unlike me, as my posts are all over the place!) and she said it was about our house. It was a free verse and she talked about how our house used to be, that she would come home and loved the smell of pumpkin spice candles burning and the smell of lemon cleaner that had been used to clean that day and that she loved hearing the music play from the living room and hearing her dad play his golf computer game in the computer room...and how our house has evolved to something so different. I have not read the poem yet, but she cried when she told me about it, and I realized that I may not be able to bring her dad back here to live, but I can still light candles and clean rooms and play music and at least have her feel that this is still her home and her safe haven that smells of pumpkin spice...I have been so depressed that cleaning and music and candles have been last on my list, but I realized today, that those things bring comfort to my girls and starting tomorrow, I will bring those comforts back to them...

Thanks for your continued responses and advice...its keeping me going right now....

[scaredsilly]

"I am just scared all the time..."

this is so understandable. especially, in your current situation.

be easy on yourself and know things will work out. when you get this feeling, maybe you can call someone and talk it though with them? a family member or close friend?

[Accuray]

Sweetbriar,

It can be tempting to associate "focusing on you" with thinking you should do that because things were "your fault". Those two things are unrelated. The reason to focus on you is because (1) people rarely do that without motivation or crisis, so now you have an opportunity, and (2) working on yourself puts you back in control and control will help you feel better about yourself and your situation. It is not to atone for anything. You did not "drive your H to cheat", he made his own decision to do that.

I also believe that he was starved for some things that I didnt give him, and the one major thing was affirmation.

I really hope you read the books I listed for you. If your H's "primary love language" is affirmation, you also need to understand *how* he needs to receive it, as giving it in the wrong way doesn't help that much.

Providing affirmation to someone with low self-esteem or who is depressed can be very challenging because they'll have a hard time believing in your sincerity. That's what can be so appealing about OW is that they don't believe OW has seen their worst, so their affirmation is believable.

My W has this issue as well. We went to a party and she looked really nice. When we came home I told her that she was the best looking woman there. She said "so you're saying that all my friends are ugly?" and then got angry about that. You need to tread in this area carefully and figure out what works -- there is always a way.

It was the nagging of what he didnt do sometimes, rather than complimenting what he did do.

"How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" will help you to navigate this. Nagging is rarely about the complaint itself, it's a symptom of having unmet needs and feeling unappreciated. You need to help H resolve that for you (once things are in a better place). Men have an extremely negative reaction to being shamed, it releases cortisol in our brains and makes us physically uncomfortable, so nagging and shaming usually directly lead to withdrawing from you, and that makes you feel even worse and nag more. It's a bad cycle to get into.

I can recall many times that he would complain about friends, neighbors, teachers, etc that he thought were being negative toward him and really, I didnt take it like that at all. I think now, that it is the way he perceives himself as not worthy or not good enough.

Yes, my W does the same thing, but it's mainly my comments she perceives as negative when they are not. It's important to validate how they feel, but also to continue to explain that they are hearing things you did not mean (or say). It's useful to identify the pattern and then comment on the pattern instead of the content.

I will have more for you later.

Accuray

[Accuray]

I'm back...

I would like to believe that she was also looking for someone to say the right things. One thing that H did say to me in counsleing was that she said things to him that I never have.

Yes, an affair is largely about two people telling each other how wonderful they are, putting each other on a pedestal, and not being able to see any negatives about the other person -- that's why it's impossible for a long-term spouse to compete with -- impossible.

As mentioned before, your H had needs that weren't being met. It was interesting to me that you titled your thread "The crack in my perfect life..." because it implies that pre-bomb things were perfect for you. If that's the case, then H was *expert* at meeting your needs -- was he really? Usually in the case of an affair, things were not going well for either party in the "needs being met" department, but the LBS chose to cope while the WAS chose to walk.

There is tons of luck involved when it comes to an affair. First the WAS needs an opportunity with someone who is willing to engage, and then that person needs to be well-matched. Its easy for anyone to supply something that the WAS has been starving for *short term*, but if they are not a good match, then once that need is met, all the other deficiencies start to pull the affair relationship apart. Given that your H seems to have found someone 20 years older, on short notice, in a *bar*, I'm going to guess that he really doesn't have a very good match there. The "life coach" that he's now found *seems* less committed to him than a traditional EA partner would be, but that's purely guesswork on my part. In any case, the silver lining here for you is that H seems to be chasing "any port in a storm" versus having found someone he believes to be the new "light of his life".

I don't say that to in any way minimize the challenges you have before you -- dealing with OW is a waiting game. Often if the OW relationship developed over a long period of time, you can have to wait a LONG time for it to fall apart, and then another LONG time for the grieving period to end before the WAS will consider recommitting to the marriage. At a minimum we're talking months but often it's years -- few have the patience for that kind of waiting, but there are several on this board who have been able to do it.

It think the good news for you is that your H's affairs seem to be less committed, and NOT a full replacement for what you provide to him, and therefore he's highly conflicted and tempted to "cake eat", meaning trying to keep getting some needs met by you, and others from someone else. There's an opportunity for you there to learn about the things you're NOT providing for him, and trying to figure out how to fill that gap. Unfortunately, you can't rely upon him to be helpful or receptive, as he may not have himself figured out, and he may harbor so much resentment that just seeing you try will make him even angrier -- this is common. You just have to be consistent and weather the storm.

In any case, OW is rarely the *cause* of anything, they are a symptom, and the best thing that you can do is disregard them.

H claimed that she gave him unconditional love and asked for nothing in return.

Not worth responding to. There are two schools of thought in marriage: one is that your spouse owes it to you to love you unconditionally. The other is that it is your responsibility to maintain your spouse's love for you by meeting their needs competently and professionally. Here's a quote about this from the Marriage Builders website:

In successful marriages, spouses expect to change to accommodate each other's needs, so when a spouse registers a complaint, it's a signal for action. In failed marriages, on the other hand, spouses expect to be accepted as they are, without change. A complaint is interpreted as an unwillingness to love unconditionally, a failure of the complaining spouse. So instead of adjusting to the complaint, the defense is offered, "if you really loved me, you would not try to change me. You would let me continue to do whatever it is I'm doing."

The point is, expecting to be loved unconditionally, regardless of your non-marriage friendly behaviors, is an attitude that will lead to a failed marriage.

I am just scared all the time of his ideas because I dont trust him and the house is a big deal to me and where the kids and I live. I didnt want to be pregnant, with 2 teens, 2 dogs and no where to go. I think I do assume the worst at the moment, I have not always been this way. Just very hesitant with any major decision right now.

This is very understandable. The situation you are in will at times put you directly at odds with your H at the same time you are trying to save your marriage. Your best strategy here is to use your lawyer as a buffer. Don't argue with H directly, run his plans by your lawyer and let your lawyer respond to them.

I have felt that I was not supported in this by H and I thought that is what a H and W do, is help each other and family if they have to.

This is great -- you have an expectation here for what H should do, and he did not do it, so you got resentful. That resentment will reveal itself in your treatment of H and push the two of you apart. Part of working on yourself is to examine your beliefs and expectations about what H should do, and make sure he understands them.

If you grew up in a family where your father mowed the lawn and took out the trash, you will expect that H will mow the lawn and take out the trash, even if you don't explicitly discuss this. If H grew up in a family where his mother did those things, he'll come into marriage with an incompatible expectation. If you don't discuss it, you'll collide with each other over these chores and both get resentful.

With regard to the "support" you expected to see from H, your challenge is to break that down into specific behaviors -- "I feel supported when you..." For some people, all they need is a hug once in a while to feel supported, other people need to feel listened to on a daily basis, other people need their spouse to roll up their sleeves and do some work for them or with them. What does "support" look like to you? You need to lay it out for H specifically and don't just assume that he should know. If he doesn't respond, then you need to make it clear how important it is to you. If he still doesn't respond, it's time for MC before things get worse.

I have been wanting to blame H for everything since I have felt so hurt and rejected. Is this normal?

It actually seems more normal for the LBS to blame themselves, but either way, placing blame is a coping mechanism. The more important task is to forgive yourself and H, because forgiveness will give you a release -- it's a gift you give yourself. H doesn't even have to know you've forgiven him, it's not about him, it's about you.

I resent that he has been able to walk away so carefree, leave me, our children, our unborn baby, our home and live with no responsibility. Live happy, free and make this look so easy for him. Its hard to watch.

As Labug said elsewhere "there should be a special level of hell reserved for a man who leaves a woman with small children".

That said, a WAS does not just wake up one day and leave. In most cases, they've been living with pain, frustration, and resentment for a long time before the point that leaving looks better than staying.

The "carefree and happy" is just a show for your benefit. He is deeply hurt, saddened, and conflicted. They are so hurt and feel so guilty, that their coping mechanism needs to eventually convince themselves that they are not at fault, and that's why they re-write history, say that everything was always bad, and that everything is your fault, because it's the only way they can live with themselves. They will do everything they can to hide this pain from you, because if you see it, it could indicate that you are right and they are wrong, and they don't want to give you that impression at all.

****************************************

So here's the thing -- take stock of where you are right now and what you want. Do some soul searching. There are two roads to take and you can't take both. One road is to get angry with H, see him as the villain, see yourself as the victim, and try to continually show him how much pain he is causing you and what a big mistake he's making.

The other path is to decide you want him back. You can't pursue getting him back if you follow path one. On path #2, you need to pave the road home and make it smooth. He KNOWS he has wronged you. To the WAS, coming back often looks like scaling a mountain. They are afraid that you will throw their bad deeds in their face every chance you get. They are afraid of the work that will be required to regain your trust. They are afraid of having to rebuild all the bridges they have burned, so staying away becomes the path of least resistance.

How do you pave the path?

1) Work on yourself to become a spouse that only a fool would leave. Evaluate your shortcomings and improve upon them. Become the most attractive you that you can be.

2) Relieve their guilt. Demonstrate that they are not "making you sad and ruining your life". Act as if everything is okay and you are happy. Be someone who it seems fun to be around. Let them see the sun shining over your head and not a dark storm cloud. Normalize what they have done to the degree that you can -- everyone likes attention from the opposite sex, everyone likes to have their ego stoked, etc. etc.

3) Do not make them resent you: Everything you do needs to be measured against a yardstick of resentment. Will your communication, attitude and actions make him resent you more or less? A WAS will resent you for making him responsible for your feelings, so if you are sad because of him, he will resent you and avoid you. A WAS will resent you for shaming him. A WAS will resent you for pressuring him. A WAS will resent you for talking to his friends and family to advocate on your behalf. A WAS will resent you for initiating R talks and forcing them to give you bad news. The best thing you can do is give them space, "act as if", and GAL.

This path puts a HUGE BURDEN on you. You have to take your pride and indignation and put it in the back seat. You have to work through it yourself. I felt like I was putting on a backpack each day with 100lbs of rocks in it and offering W a smile and no complaints. That is what you have to do to save your marriage, and it is not easy. It's a choice you make however, and it is unfortunately a marathon, not a sprint, and there is very little instant gratification.

You need to train him that a future with you is different than your past, and "training" is only accomplished by time and repetition. What you say will not matter -- only what you do, and you have to do it consistently over and over again despite a lack of positive response.

Take care of yourself an your baby, you cannot make your situation either better or worse on a very short timescale, to try to "just be" and reduce your stress level any way you can.

Accuray

[Sweetbriar]

I cannot thank you enough for all the time and effort you have put into my post to help me. It is sooo appreciated! I am getting a much clearer picture just by the advice you have given me and others too! I am realizing more and more and now I wish I had known some of this stuff when H was coming back and forth..before he left for good. In his mind, because he came back 3 times, that was "trying" even though he never let go of OW:(

I wanted to mention, after you mentioned the affair and the way they met and the age difference, that its weird that the 2 OW he has met have been older, and that his Best friend is also 20 years older than he. I just wonder sometimes, that because of his lack of relationship with is parents over the years and being abused my them as a child,( mentally and physically) that he is looking for a mom and dad figure in his life? I must also mention that his only other sexual relationship before me was when he was 16 and the lady was in her late 30s or maybe even40!! Disgusting if you ask me, but this seems to be a pattern, except for me...

In regards to our relationship and expectations, H did NOTHING around the house because I felt that was my job because I did not work. He only mowed the grass and did the trash (funny you mentioned those very 2 things!!) and I did all the rest. This was kind of our deal because he worked and supported the family financially. H grew up in a family where his father did nothing, and I mean NOTHING. His father still does nothing...work..but never has lifted a finger in the home and his mom had done it all. H is now living there, so he has gone from our home, where I took care of everything he needed, to his parents home where his mother is doing it all. He has never lived on his own, washed a load of laundry, emptied a dishwasher or shopped for himself. I wonder how this will all work out for him when he is on his own in a new place and has to do it all for himself. Maybe that is what he has felt like he missed out on, or maybe he will fall apart? Who knows? I often resented that he didnt help more and I think he resented that I didnt work...Not in the beginning, but lately now that the kids are older....I think this is one big issue that we kept sweeping under the rug and internally were really upset about...it all seems so much clearer now...and this is just one thing of many...

I must admit that its hard to believe that being happy, getting on with my life, digging deep within me and changing will make any difference with him at all. He is so negative and very sure of his decision to never return to our M. I know the purpose would be to benefit ME and NOT H, but he is so convinced that we will all get on with life, that kids will get over it, that we will be better apart, that when this does happen (the moving on and happiness) I dont see him revisiting our M, but saying "I told you so, I made the right decision".

If the WAS is so convinced that this is right, and that things will get easier as time goes on, when things do get better and easier, why would they all of the sudden want back? You would thing that they would think, "thank goodness she is over me and I can move on without guilt". Just wondering???

I loved the advice on paving a smooth path...would like to head in that direction, although how do you "train him that a future with you will be different" if you never see each other and he cannot see the changes on a regular basis?

I had a much better day today, no tears for 2nd day in a row....that is good for me, but they come in waves...weekends are hard and this particular weekend I dont have many plans...so I gotta get making them or Im gonna be in for a lonely weekend:( My oldest does have Homecoming...her first one..that is exciting:) And....Im really looking forward to next Wed, as my girls and I find out what the baby's gender is...we cannot wait!

I have not invited H to any Doc appts or sonograms because of his lack of interest. He did mention to kids that he wished he could be there...I wonder if this is something that Im doing that he is resenting me for? Any suggestions for this? I felt like If I asked him to join us, that he was getting the joyous parts of our lives and that he doesnt deserve them after his lack of asking about the pregnancy and for what he has done. This is an example of how my mind works, and after reading the last post from Accuray, I realize that I am punishing him for his behavior and this could push him farthur away...A HUGE 180 for me would be to invite him to the appointments...It would be hard though, because Im still so darn angry...