I am SOOOO glad I have you guys on my side, unbelievable advise. Denver and AT, I want to express my sincere appreciation for everything you guys have done to help, thank you very much.
I really like the humor part. You defuse a tense subject which makes everything a bit easier. Very calculated and methodical. I got a chuckle out of your note in the pocket comment. The verbiage that Denver gave me a coule weeks ago was in my pocket the last time I had a conversation with W. I never had to use it but it was good to have.
Your right though AT, I can NEVER anticipate everything that will come up but I CAN better prepare myself. I am not going to sweat it too much because I have the validating down, I have the “I need to think about it down.” I am now armed with a full arsenal after AT's and Denver's posts. Complete deflection isn't the right approach with that kind of question. You said it was blunt, I agree. I've heard a lot of the words used to many of you fine people over and over again. The selected words I want to incorporate will just flow, there ingrained in my head. I still think that listening and validating her feelings is the most important. Thanks all!
My IC and I are both big fans of the humor thing during these situations... Obviously you don't want to overdo it and become a comedian, but it's a fantastic way to change the dynamic of the conversation.
I think you're already in a good place and well prepared for this Rough. Get a ton of rest tonight, maybe get up early tomorrow and "sweat it out" for a while (Run, Bike, Jumping Jacks, Kickboxing, Dig an enormous hole in you backyard)... just get your head on straight.
Like Denver said, only deflect if you're completely unprepared to answer or if it's something that you truly don't know how you want to answer. Deflection is a tool to be used wisely, but it's not a substitute for honesty about your feelings or thoughts on the situation, especially if you're prepared to answer what she's bringing up.
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, but I know you'll be great.
W keeps messing with me. She first told me a week ago that she was going to send me an email, it never came.
THEN she mentions she was still planning on sending the email, never happened.
THEN she said she wants to see a joint counselor, never happened.
THEN she wanted to get together for a face to face conversation, never happened.
THEN I stop by her place this evening to pick the kids up for the night. W says, oh by the way, I will give you a call tomorrow. I said, are we still meeting tomorrow? She replied, I don’t know, if not Wednesday then Friday. I briefly mentioned a couple restaurants and said either face to face or phone is fine, I am good either way. We ended it like that.
Keep in mind, I am not the one bringing this stuff up with her. At this point I just want to get this conversation over with. It might just come down to a phone conversation tomorrow. Either way, it will be good to get her insight. My gut tells me it will probably hurt but I still would like the information.
You're in great hands mate. Lots of good stuff above. Advice I can use myself as well.
It seems to be a pattern with your wife. She's got something to tell you but she's uncertain right now and keeps pushing it back, it seems. Just don't worry too much about it. You seem ready for anything right now so go on with your life and when it comes it comes.
Take care mate,
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Arsene, hey man!!! How are the islands? I read your laundry list you posted the other day. Sh!t, it sounds like your working on GAL, it was a huge list. Thank you for your words. By the way, I am not going to stress about it. W probably wants to talk about the rocket ship were going to build together.
Yeah mate. It's keeping me busy too. After work today, I'm off to a Toastmasters meeting till 9 pm and then off to a bar to check out the blues band and hopefully get some contacts. I've decided that if they want me to sing for them I'd give it a go even though I know it might not necessarily be for my talent as a singer.
No contact from W since yesterday morning and I'm actually relieved. These convos do get tiring and sometimes I wonder if it's actually going anywhere of if it's just of the platonic kind. No point thinking about that now. Drop me a line next time you're around. Cheers mate!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Rough, I know we're not supposed to mind read in these situations, but I'm gonna pull out my crystal ball for your sitch for just a minute here...
I think there could be a good reason she's putting all this stuff off: She's nervous as HE!! about this conversation. It's probably even more nerve-wracking for her than it is for you... I mean she has NO idea how you're going to react, and your darkness probably has her mind racing a million miles a minute as to where you stand with the sitch.
Okay, mind reading over.
Stay the course Rough. I wouldn't PUSH for this conversation right now, as it seems she's putting it off for whatever reasons... And as you can remember from my sitch, I decided that I NEEDED to have the convo in person... But our sitchs are different in that my W lives hundreds of miles away, and I saw this as one of my ONLY opportunities to be in the same room with her, to show her my convictions, and to give her an opportunity to "see" the changes I'm undergoing... I don't know that any of these apply to you right now, so take that with a grain of salt.
Either way, Good luck Rough. You're in our thoughts!
Thanks a lot AT. I unequivocally believe there’s a psychic career in your future. I just love those tarot cards, did you know there for real? They work! The margin of error is less than 1%, no joke buddy.
Anyway, I could be wrong however I am fairly certain about the nature of the conversation. Either she wants a divorce and/or there’s OM in the picture, it could be both. Almost nothing would surprise me at this point unless she told me OM got her pregnant or if she’s planning on moving out of state.
Well now that the pregnant and out of state options are in your head, you can't claim surprise anymore right?!
Trust me, I KNOW how insane the mind races in anticipation of these things.
I find it very helpful to remember that no matter what she says, nothing is permanent. My W started OFF the conversation by asking for a D, stating that she was SURE I'd totally agree with her and want one too... When she left 6 hours later, she was sure that she was wrong about that... and maybe some other things too.
Sure, the odds are the conversation is going to be less-than-stellar from her end. But the good news is YOU hold the power here. By your responses, actions and lack thereof during this conversation, you can flip the tables back in your favor... And I'm sure you can.
So what are your thoughts about the timing of this convo? Do you think it happens today, Friday or at some other point? Any word from W today?
