Here's my take, and it's a very personal one to me, so I'm not sure how much it will help you.
I'm also VERY bad at memorizing long answers... As a matter of fact, I find that I do MUCH WORSE if I try to memorize something... It sounds too rehearsed when it comes out of my mouth. PLUS, if I'm focused on an exact phrasing of something and I stumble, it all falls apart.
I rehearse the IDEAS, not the script, in my head. The CONCEPTS and the EMOTIONS behind them.
I went over the discussion that I was going to have with my W (Setting boundaries about OM) about a thousand times in my head, but when it came out of my mouth, it wasn't the one I'd been rehearsing.
Instead, it was a better one... It was more organic to the conversation thus far, to the emotions that were on display on both of our parts, and in the cadence of what had been happening.
By rehearsing, I was able to feel confident that I had my "Talking Points" down... those few words or phrases or ideas that I knew I HAD to convey... the rest of it came naturally and was better than anything I could have written beforehand, because I was living in THAT moment.
Sure, as always, looking back I wish I would have said X instead of Y, or refrained from saying Z... but I knew it wouldn't be perfect. Considering the weight of the conversation, I'm still very proud of what I was able to accomplish.
So, to answer your question about the "That's a really good question W..." talk:
Personally, when my W asked me a few open ended questions, I responded differently to each of them... As you said, you can't use the "Let me get back to you" line TOO MUCH, because it'll probably seem disingenuous.
So when my W asked "So what are your plans for the future" I simply stalled for a few seconds by asking for clarification. "What do you mean W? Like what am I doing this weekend?" (I always try to throw some humor into my interactions with W, as it eases the tension and throws the balance back in my favor)... She clarified that she wanted to know what I was going to do as far as living situations, work, writing etc... In the time that she took to clarify, I was able to formulate my response "You know W, I've been thinking about that a ton actually... And I'm definitely leaning towards a few things, but haven't 100% decided. Actually, I've put off a few of those decisions until after we were able to have this talk, so I had more clarity on the situation."
I deflected, stayed vague, but still answered the question to her satisfaction.
When she asked "What do you think about us?" (although she didn't use those specific terms) I let her know that I was working hard on ME and changing the things I needed to change to be a better person, figuring out how I can correct the things I did to contribute to her unhappiness, and look forward to learning more and improving every day. I told her that I absolutely wanted the M to work, that I had faith in myself and I believed in her and I thought there could be an "Us" in the future... But I reiterated that I didn't want to stand in the way of her happiness, didn't want to make decisions FOR her and just had to keep improving myself.
I didn't have any of those thing scripted out per-se, but I did have the general thoughts and ideas rehearsed. Then, I let the conversation flow as naturally as I could.
So, personally, I'd try not to so bluntly deflect that speculative question. Give it a little more:
"That's a great question W. I've actually been doing a ton of thinking about that, and I'm working very hard on myself right now. But I don't want to bore you with all that, what's going on with you?"
So that's my .02.
Oh, and just so you know, I actually had a "Cheat Sheet" printed up and folded into my back pocket. When I got flustered or though a certain conversation was imminent, I excused myself to the bathroom, whipped out the sheet and looked over a couple of my "talking points" and the script I'd written.
^^^^ Wow AT!!! You and Denver have shed a new light on communicating. It’s amazing how my example took on a life of its own. The red flag must have been spotted from a mile away and I had no idea. AT, your post is textbook. I call bs on anyone that doesn't think that’s unbelievable db right there.
I really like the humor part. You defuse a tense subject which makes everything a bit easier. Very calculated and methodical. I got a chuckle out of your note in the pocket comment. The verbiage that Denver gave me a coule weeks ago was in my pocket the last time I had a conversation with W. I never had to use it but it was good to have.
Your right though AT, I can NEVER anticipate everything that will come up but I CAN better prepare myself. I am not going to sweat it too much because I have the validating down, I have the “I need to think about it down.” I am now armed with a full arsenal after AT's and Denver's posts. Complete deflection isn't the right approach with that kind of question. You said it was blunt, I agree. I've heard a lot of the words used to many of you fine people over and over again. The selected words I want to incorporate will just flow, there ingrained in my head. I still think that listening and validating her feelings is the most important. Thanks all!
