Keep breathing...

[mamabird]

Chatterbug - I went back and looked. You predicted a "revenge" EA/PA. This is what my dad thinks too. Could be. I am sure he feels he needs comfort and solace, although now that I know this, I can continue to try to provide it in the form of our nightly cuddles. Will not bring it up until time is right. Not much I can do for now except deal with it.

I think MC is a must, just have to figure out how to get that back on agenda.

Re: detaching and pressuring him- I know I gotta leave him be, but part of his whole issue is that he thinks I don't love him. He thinks I'd rather be with someone else. So by detaching, that's reinforcing that for him. My instinct is to reach out, not pull back. I'm careful not to nag, no one likes that, but I think that consistent loving actions will eventually have an effect. Even if he is having an EA.

I know that I woulda dropped mine in a heartbeat if I'd seen my H turn around and be truly loving. After all, all I was really looking for was acceptance and validation. Even fussing over his nutrition shows caring and concern. He has called me a narcissist in the past so I have that idiotic perception to overcome as well.

[chatterbug]

I realize I sounded like an ass there.

You know you can detach with love.

[mamabird]

Want to show him love but want to give him space too. To me this means not insisting on anything except for showing me the basic respect that I deserve. I realize he's gotta travel his own path right now, so if I respect and accept that, is that detachment? Things improved once I actively started moving towards him.

Yesterday I took S6 to the park and we saw a little boy that we know there. He's 2 or 3. My S didnt pay much attention to him, but we had the dogs and he pet the dogs a little. The kid didn't break a smile or say anything the entire time. He was so serious. When I saw his parents this morning and mentioned it to them, they told me that the little boy was so excited about all of it.

So my point is that you can't always tell what people are feeling by what they do or don't say, or even by their facial expressions. I think that applies to my H. He can be very stoic but still waters run deep with him. I hope what I'm doing is having some sort of good effect but I gotta be ok with the potential reality of him really and truly being done.

[hopefulinga]

I've been struggling with the same thing, and I talked to my IC about it today. I want to be emotionally available and supportive, but I want to detach. So, I've got to accept whatever the outcome is and realize that I can't control it. I've been trying to be a "friend" to listen when H makes commentary and I try to reflect back or support what he is saying. I think you've been doing some of that as well.

I think to also work on not letting his emotions affect yours is helping to detach as well. While I am not trying to fool myself, when I think positive thoughts and think that we've been through so much, we can make it this time, I feel better and treat H a lot better.

Your H may be depressed. You guys have had a lot of turmoil in the past year or so. And you may want to make sure you are not depressed as well, even though you think you are not, especially because of how awful you feel/felt by H's lack of loving and respect. It may be worthwhile being sure.

[2chiquitos]

Hi Regretful,
Don't you hate when you can't read someone?!
H is perfect at acting as if! It isn't until later I find out what he is really thinking! Hate that but gotta let it go.

I'm not a mind reader and we can't obsess about what's going on with them. Take care of yourself, that's all we can do.

[mamabird]

Here's tonight's update. This story just keeps getting more interesting. Sorry, it's super long but I like to journal and need to keep a record of all of this stuff.

We all ate dinner and watched the debates together. After dinner, H had the option of going in "his" (formerly "our") bedroom to finish watching, but he didn't. He had washed all the dishes and ran the dishwasher when I got home with the boys and had cleaned up the yard too.

More lies revealed - he promised he'd stop going to the trainer for financial reasons but I saw a text from her today. He had an appointment with her AND never even showed up! Wow!

Trainer is a friend of his from high school and he said, "Campout went fine. Just underscored a lot stuff, like how much I love the boys. Which makes all these moves so hard."

Another interesting text as of last week to a woman who's also going through a divorce (a parent at the school, now at least I know not to trust her) - He told HER he was waiting because I hadn't accepted that he wanted a D, and he wanted to sort out his own BS and be less depressed and more centered. But he told POW 2 days later that he was waiting because his L told him to.

No further communications with POW or anyone else, but looks like he was seeing POW a lot over the summer. And it's clear how much he likes her. They have a bond and it's probably EA but I don't see evidence of PA.

One thing that irks me more than just about anything, even more than POW, is a friend of ours (at least I thought she was my friend) who is clearly taking H's "side". It is so backhanded and mean, and what a horrible friend she has turned out to be. They get together, she calls, she texts. I have known this woman since the 5th grade. I gave her a job at my company once. We were never great friends, but it's good to know where I stand with her and boy is she going to hear from me once this is over. I am so tempted to give her a piece of my mind right now but I know I need to wait. I should have answered H's phone when she called on it half an hour ago. I even called her a month or two ago when I found out she had plans with H and I guess she two-faced me then.

I emailed a friend of mine tonight - a lawyer who recently got divorced herself. Asked her for a lawyer reco. No way will I be a sitting duck. I want to be armed and ready if and when H drops the bomb. It feels good and empowering to be taking preventative action, even though I would rather be doing anything but that. I can't take the risk of being unprepared though. I feel like the US and Russia one upping each other with nukes at the ready. How long did it take them to finally get to peace talks?

Your H may be depressed. You guys have had a lot of turmoil in the past year or so. And you may want to make sure you are not depressed as well, even though you think you are not, especially because of how awful you feel/felt by H's lack of loving and respect. It may be worthwhile being sure.

H takes antidepressants now and I'm glad of it. He's in a better place. My IC does not say I'm depressed and it actually has never come up. I was actually in a worse place before this happened and yes, I probably felt depressed, which gave OM2 a perfect opening.

Vero, my BS meter is usually pretty good, but I have to say I'm highly disappointed about my H's lying. Now granted, I have not been an angel and I did lie to him about OM1. No lies about OM2.

Regarding the snooping. I know it's wrong, but I guess I'm feeling that knowledge is power at this point. Now I know there's a REAL possibility of him filing (also found out he actually contacted his L for the first time on June 15th, but then accused me of going to a L in MC in July and said he hadn't seen one yet!), I know not to trust him and I know what "friends" of mine not to trust. At this point I have to protect myself and my boys. Period. And if it takes snooping, so be it.

[2chiquitos]

ohhhh RegretfulLA, I'm sorry you found out all that stuff. Snooping is dangerous for that reason. I totally get how angry you are at that "friend." Nothing I suggest will help with those emotions. Just sit with them but don't act on them.

That feeling can create some very ugly events.

Take care and remember this is a problem not a crisis!

[mamabird]

thank you Vero. I know the risks of snooping, but I am a person who'd rather know than be in the dark. Good riddance to this "friend" and I can't wait to tell her off someday. I am learning I'm a "don't get mad, get even" kind of person.

Thinking more about my sitch. One thing I wish my H understood is the extreme amount of stress we've been under in the past few years, and what kind of effect that can have on a M. First I got breast cancer while I was pregnant. Once we recovered from that, H went into a crisis around being abandoned by his mother, triggered by the cancer (still hasn't dealt with it I don't think). Then along came OM1, who had his opening because H was so withdrawn. H never got over that either and I wasn't exactly able to be there for him then.

Then we bought this house that we couldn't really afford and spent money that we didn't have fixing it. Then my son had a problem with another kid at school with psycho parents and they called child protective services. Then my job went to hell and I became even more miserable than I already was, and couldn't turn to H for support. And we got to hate each other pretty much. OM2 came along to seal the deal I guess.

But it's still my personality and character that's causing all the problems in the R. The fact that he thinks that is absurd.

I said this a long time ago, but will say it again. My mom's boyfriend, who is an 80-year-old lothario/dirty old man, said to me, "Why would you want to be with someone so weak?" Unfortunately he's right. I think my H can be very weak sometimes, and then I have to ask myself the question again.

[hopefulinga]

Wow, that's a lot to digest, but you still seem to be making some progress. He is doing things to help you, which seems to be more than "about the boys". His excuse that he is waiting because you haven't accepted the D is a little weak, and it continues to make you look like the bad guy.

I do think the stress that you've both been under is a major factor in the breakdown of the M but it looks like H is looking to blame instead of accepting reality. At least to your face.

Keep doing what you are doing and maintaining your cool. You can file the information away for when you need it. The lying is very hurtful. I'd rather face the ugly truth than worry about whether or not I am being lied to.

[mamabird]

I know, I couldn't fall asleep because my brain was buzzing with all the info and especially the anger towards this friend.

Agree that his actions have been positive, so I will keep going along same trajectory because I've seen good changes and we're getting along nicely. Also definitely want to know what I am dealing with.

Also realize I have a tendency to want to be vindictive which isn't necessarily good but will probably help me out if he ever does sue me for divorce. Game will be ON.

Need to focus on GAL more. Probably will go to dinner with my parents and a movie this weekend. I was having a lot of lunches with friends over the summer and I miss those.