My M can be saved, but I need your help/advice!!!

[ericmsant2]

MIR

And yes the timing of when to confront is going to be extremely critical.

Yes timing is important but so is HOW you do it. You must not waver. You must be strong in YOUR conviction that you do not want an open relationship.

Most importantly, you need a plan. Everybody is different but I think having a plan and STICKING to it is key.

For example (some of these may not be applicable)….
• Responses – you should have an idea on how you will respond to what she may say…for example – it’s your fault, It is nothing really we are just friends, I was going to tell you, etc.
• Finances – If they are joint, then you need to have a plan on how to separate them.
• Cell phones – If she is on your plan and continues to have contact, well then she can get her own plan.
• Bills – who pays what and who’s name is on what. You should have a plan for how you will need to separate bills.
• Debt – Realize that in most places, while you are married the debt assumed is both of yours.

but I do not want to be so harsh as to drive my W away.

IMO, not a good way to think if you are going to confront. You should be at place where you have come to realize that YOU deserve better and will only accept the best in your life. Look if you are rehashing the mistakes you made, I get it. Get over it. You made mistakes, we all do. In terms of “driving her away”…she is headed in that direction by virtue of her actions. Can you make worse – yes..if you are total as*hole; hence how you confront is critical.

I actually had figured out that my W is lying to the OM about us, what is going on between us, and several other aspects of the current actual truth on what is my side of reality. I can’t quite formulate the reasoning here (again insight on this is very welcome if anyone has experience with this…). One possibility is that maybe she does not want to let the OM know we are trying to work it out (although there is still hesitancy on her part) and as I mentioned his life is in turmoil as he initiated divorce proceedings ( not that I give a rats ass about that).

The reasons right now are irrelevant. You need to look and work with facts. Fact, she may be warming up to you BUT she is still communication to OM. Fact, she is lying to OM about what you guys are doing. Fact, OM has initiated divorce proceedings. Based on these facts, you need to determine what YOU can live with. Spending time trying to figure it all out, IMO, is useless. You will get answers from her (unless she lies) when you confront her.

I kind of had a minor slide back which I am hoping is not hugely detrimental.

Nothing that you say right now …with the exception of scream at her and calling her names…is probably that detrimental. At some point this will come up…if it comes up now because she overhead something..well then, I would call that….”I guess it was suppose to happen this way”.

Don’t be afraid MIR. Yeah it is scary..you will be okay no matter what happens.

You have, if I understood you, asked about boundaries and what is acceptable. I agree with Starsky that YOUR boundaries are really YOUR. Not mine, not Starsky’s, no one but yours. Having said this, if I was in the position that you are in my ONE boundary would be :

I will not be in an open relationship. While you have contact with HIM, I will not be part of your life.

I would then give my partner a period of time (something I would be comfortable with) in which to make a choice. During that time, I would begin the process of cutting all ties. Period - end of discussion.

I would not beg, I would probably not respond to anything that was said to me. I would not jump for joy if she said to me, I want to work things out, on the contra cry, I would ask HER what she planned to do to regain my trust.

I’ll close with this….as Starsky pointed out….make this about YOU not HER.

This is your life MIR. Only you know what will work for YOU