Life as an Authentically Living LBS.

[figure-it-out]

Yeah, but Kimmerz, what came first the chicken or the egg?

You say you had to control everything. I'm sure part of this was because you volunteered. Still, how much of this control was necessary to get things done.

My H always had a strong measure of selfishness. He would much rather I put in the effort than have to do it himself. I played my part perfectly and so did he.

I know H felt like he wasn't needed for anything but money. But, that's because of how he thought, not the reality. Other men may feel the same way from time to time, but they don't desert their families.

I also know there was NOTHING I could've done to avoid this crisis. Almost like a psychotic break with reality. The seeds for this crisis were planted long before I was H's wife. No action or feeling or knowledge on my part could've stopped this train. He is doing what he needs to do. I can thank his parents and his genetics if I can blame anything or anyone.

I can also blame his entrenched habit of blaming others before looking at himself.

Truthfully, I think the main thing attracting H to OW was her availability, not any deep unfulfilled need on H's part. She was, quite simply, there. She told him what his 46-yr-old drug addicted a$$ wanted to hear. He took the bait. He chose to take a bite because she offered an escape. I offered reality, with kids, normal marital and family issues--I expected him to DEAL with his demons--H wants to avoid his demons. I expected him to rise to the occasion--H wants to run as fast and as far as he can. I know a part of him knows the truth, I know he doesn't really care about OW, we both know what he needs to do--I know he's in a lot of pain...

Lois B,
This post hit so close to home for me and describes EXACTLY how I feel and describes my H's behavior to a T. I just wanted to thank you for articulating so well what I've been feeling. I used to say that I picked up most of the slack in my M because I was "helping" H. I realize now I too volunteered and didn't require more of him than I should have.
I just wanted to let you know I appreciate your post very much.