Lee, great to hear from you. Can't wait to hear what's happening for you these days.
Thanks for the good advice and the perspective. What you say makes a lot of sense when I think of my H's interactions with me. It's funny... I did that 'questioning everything' thing myself and he did it big-time with the first C... why did I not remember that until you said it?
H does seem to be so much more interested in how I am and what's happening in my life than he has been in a long time. This feels good to me as it's one of my big LLs, as is returning calls. Come to think of it, he has chosen to do several small and specific LL items of mine pretty regularly ever since I mentioned them. Hmmm.
I also realized in re-reading a piece of this thread that I asked for this conversation. I wanted him to open up and I said I suspected he was avoiding me when feeling low and down and pessimistic about M. It really is a necessary step.
SS, the mixed msgs. are confusing. I tried to pinpoint H in the MLC stages to see if it fit, as a lot of it has fit with his patterns up to now... for a while now he has seemed to be somewhere in withdrawal and depression together.
Quote: Now during stage TWO of Acceptance come the temptations to want to go right back into the "safety" of the tunnel they just came out of. The silence of the spouse is most important during this time-- all you can do is be understanding and patient with them as this MUST happen and they MUST come through alone. They will SEEM to be going backward, but they aren't always. This regression is necessary to move forward. It is during this time that they will "revisit" ALL stages of the Mid Life Crisis except Denial and shut the "doors" to each stage PERMANENTLY, one by one, never to return to them.
At this time, if they give in to temptation (especially in affairs and addictions) OR get spooked by their own fears, they WILL RUN RIGHT BACK into the tunnel. But they can only run back as far as the doors that have NOT been closed permanently. Much of the time, they just run back as far as WITHDRAWAL, but will try to continue the process to come out once they feel "safe" to continue. So they must be allowed to come through WITHOUT interruption.
This describes best how he is acting, but it seems almost too good to be true that he could be at the end! However, he did first start talking about coming home well over a year ago... so maybe it is possible??
Here is my plan: to keep doing the patience/PMA/low expectations/positive thing I have been. To give him that space to work on his stuff and not feel he has to worry about me.
