I am still formulating my approach and what the boundaries will be that I am going to state. This is where I could use some current input. I obviously want to show that I and our M deserve respect from her, but I do not want to be so harsh as to drive my W away. I am still figuring this out myself.
MIR, you are struggling with trying to figure out what your "N.U.T.S." are -- your Non-negotiable boundaries of personal integrity. If in stating these, you "drive your wife away," why then she was not someone you could have put up with anyway, at least not in her current behavior.
To me, that's the beauty of boundaries, or -- as I like to call them -- "My Boundaries of Personal Integrity." Only YOU know what they are, but they should be a very short list; your "dealbreakers," as it were . . . those things that you, as a person with your values, morals and ethics, simply CANNOT ABIDE.
And this is how it works, in practical application: If you decide that "I will not live in an open marriage," and you state that as a boundary to a cheating spouse, and if that drives them away from you, and toward the other person? Well, then that's THEIR CHOICE, and them cheating -- and staying with me -- wasn't an option for me anyway, based on my own authenticity and values, so what have I lost?
All I've lost in that instance is something that I could not have abided anyway.
"You must choose between him or me" is an ULTIMATUM. It's about THEM.
Boundaries should be about YOU -- "I will not live in an open marriage." It's then up to the other person to decide what to DO with that information you've now shared with them, so seriously.
