Separating Inevitable

[Tumbling]

Hello TurtleGirl
How are you doing today? You dropped by my thread a few days ago. I'm sorry I haven't had time to respond properly til today. But I have caught up on your sitch now.

You wrote
I could use some advice from others who are separated how they handled things. I just don't know how being separated can bring us close. (He says he needs to go so maybe he can stay.) He's so "lost" and confused that he's even convinced me that the only way for him to figure things out is if he leaves. I just think it opens the door for him to decide to start comm w OW again.

I can't advise on the family element because me and H have no children but I can tell you ALL about surviving him moving out etc.

Firstly I echoe what Another Stander says that there are positive ways to view him moving out.

I know it's hard to believe him moving out will bring you closer but that's because in our heads we think they're leaving us (I said I'd been abandonned in the house) but that's us focusing on us and how we feel NOT them. They aren't leaving us, they are doing what they need to do to find them Selves and we have to allow them to.

I only had two weeks from bomb drop to him going and I asked him to go - definitely wrong from a DB point of view - but from a self-respect point I was like "You don't love me, you don't want to work on us, you don't want to talk about us, then you know what? I don't want to be around you. It's too difficult for me." I couldn't believe it when he made arrangements. I got very sad etc.

However, I realised that altho we were married, our relationship was no longer as amazing as it had been in the first year, that I wasn't so happy either and that the best thing we could do was physically separate to see if we could bring it back. I purposefully wasn't there when he left - I RECOMMEND THIS saying goodbye would have totally floored me - (and he bottled it the first day but did it the next) but I text him "We are doing the right thing. We couldn't carry on the way we were. Remember Einstein - insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results."

I recommend trying to talk admin/coms/visits/seeing each other/. I found a list on the internet of what you might discuss.
a) time limit - sometimes I wish we did that as we may not be 2 years in but it might have put too much pressure on us
b) finances
c) furniture - does he need any - mine didn't tho took linen
d) ongoing M relationship - boundaries/privacy/intimacy/scheduled contact/phonecalls/ household (I still have issue with H letting himself into the house when this is my safe space but he says he doesnt want the neighbours seeing him ring the doorbell)
e) seeing OP - we don't do this
f) privacy
g) ongoing reviews of where you both are at (I want to do this but I never have the nerve to ask and just assume he still wants to fix - or did until last 3 mths)

I tried to discuss all of this with H before he left. He would not engage at all post BD but it would have alleviated some of my not knowing if we had agreed some things. I was scared I would NEVER see him again.

BUT this time enabled me to focus on what I might have done to help him reach the conclusion that he LMBNILWM and with him gone, I had all the time in the world to dwell on that.
And that thinking gave me my 180s
And time to me enabled me to reconnect with who I am and realise some GAL activities that i wanted to do
And time to himself made him start questioning what he wanted cos after the first month of no responsibilities (ha - now he had to do the laundry etc) hanging with his buddies and doing what he pleased when he liked - he started questioning his decision.

I think that's enough for now! I've rambled on enough.
I know you're petrified of letting him out the door - I was too but we're still not separated formally nor divorced and these days I still believe we will reconcile