Here was my reply (email only) "We can figure out the schedule stuff one way or another. Can we simply talk about it later on? And yes, feel free to use the credit card for this Saturday stuff. Oh, and I'm not sure how you are currently physically feeling and whether or not you'll be going to Zumba, but S7 does have scouts tonight."
**Need help in discriminating the difference between Validation and Comforting.
I hate this email, I hate this, I hate us, I hate what we have become, I hate the decisions that are going to have to be made, and I hate not knowing whether I’ll be happy with them either way, I hate that either way people get hurt, I hate that I’m the cause of hurt now. I hate that I can cry at the drop of a hat.
Interesting. I have a feeling that this is what goes on in nearly every WAS's head at some point. They very rarely verbalize it or commit it to paper, but it's no doubt in their thoughts. I agree with Tori, just ignore it. It's more likely just your W sorting through her thoughts and it spilled out into the email. If she wants to bring it up in person then that's fine, it would be a good time to show off your listening skills and validate her emotions.
Originally Posted By: afa75
**Need help in discriminating the difference between Validation and Comforting.
Example comment: "I am so mad right now, I washed my clothes and they all turned pink!"
Validating would be something like this: "Wow, I bet that made you really angry, I'm sorry you're so upset about it."
It's basically acknowledging emotions and repeating them back.
Comforting would be more like this: "There, there dear, it's nothing to worry about, we'll go buy you new clothes!"
If your spouse is expressing emotions, "comforting" (when it comes to DB'ing) can sound more like you're trying to fix your spouse's problems or convince them that their emotions are not important, so typically "validating" is more appropriate.
Thanks AS, especially for the examples. Brings it more to life. I needed clarity as I don't mind validatilng, yet don't want to enable cakeeating via comforting.
Journal... Nothing more was said by W rest of the day or night. I took S7 to scouts, came home, bathed S2, spent a few minutes with D11 while eating dinner....finally W and I kept our distance, more so because I afforded space via doing my own thing. Had a good workout, took care of some online and other stuff. She stopped by to see what I was doing. Simply told her. Then she wished me a good night. I stayed up a little longer. I had ran out and bought MWD's DB. I realized and I only had read DR and the individual one. So I almost have the complete collection 8)
This morning, W running late as uusal. I helped the kids as I can and get them to the care. On the way back inside, W stops to pick up some of her stuff, stops, and thinks momentarily, offers a hug. I hesitate with a puzzled look on my face. After a few awkward moments, I agree and give her a hug. Matching...temperature checking / comforting???? Not sure...will check back later, have to work...
And I thought I was going through a tough time. Mate, it must be so hard to be going through this while living with her. You are very strong. Sometimes I envy you your proximity but lately, I'm ok with us being apart, especially with the thought assailing my mind lately.
Stay with it mate and keep your focus on what's important, your kids and yourself.
Cheers!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I think she needed that hug. She's under huge internal turmoil. When is she seeing the IC? I don't really have a ton of faith on those, but maybe it'll help. It all depends on the quality of the IC.
DB is the best book anyway. You'll enjoy it, and will renew your hope. I hung on Michelle's words for a long, long time. They kept me going. Then I found this board, and the coach, which I wish I had found sooner. Great resources.
Pausing before giving the hug, made it feel "right."
Arsene, thanks for compliment, and my kids keep me going for me. 8)
Tori, no known appts with IC yet. Per a previous post, I wouldn't try to schedule for her, but do what I can to make sure she can freely go keep appts. The IC she selected from my short list specializes with victims of abuse (approx 15yrs of experience i think she said); and encourages her patients to "don't do anything drastic" = don't just divorce.
Also, I stumbled upon a new improved list of links from Cadet in the MLC section that i'm "researching" in order to better make my POA. The big difficulty seems to be digesting / processing / putting it all together. "Piecing it for myself" 8)
One day of NC does not mean much. All this R work is exhausting for all involved parties. Sometimes there's no energy left for communicating. Sometimes there is a lot of ambivalence and it is better to keep quiet. Stay cool - and all the best.
So W is having emotional breakdown. "Feeling like a failure at life." So glad that I inquired about validation vs comfort (thanks again AS), and that I read various other threads regarding how i/ we have been "fired as the spouse" and it is no longer my / our role to "fix," but rather respond with, "the sich is difficult for all of us". I think my neutral resoonses angered her more. She's used to me consoling her. It was weird not to. I didn't react Tori, did.t give her the extra attention (at least not this time). One statement she made was how she was disconnected with the kids activities and what not, whereas I "now" am in tune. I did explain that it was not my intent to for her to feel "less than," bit rather I heard her complaint of "single parent" and stepped up. I was always a good dad, but I truly believe that I have become an even grader father since this mess started.
So I've remained "dim," the past day or so. I think she's been matching me, aside from various "help" seeking from me. She didn't even mention good might. Oh well, I can live with that. I could add more for now, nut I think I'm going to sleep for now. Take care all... Cyas in the morning.
