Deb, B, Ogda, holding on, thank you so much. I had tears reading that other people are hearing this too.
So is there some kind of star alignment lately? Or is it just something they have to go through?
Deb, thanks for telling me I am doing OK with this. This felt so overwhelming and came as a surprise, but in the end of the conversation it felt somewhat good to have discussed it all. Up to last night, I was under the impression my H had made up his mind to recommit and needed time to sort his own head out before he could work on him and I. This is what he said.
The "old me" would have been very emotional in a conversation like this and maybe even talked right over him.
So I was really pleased to be able to handle it in a way I am more proud of and that reflects who I am and the kind of open and intimate sharing and listening I want in my Rs. (I still talked a fair amt. so I could improve, but judging by H's reaction, I think he noticed this habit I have worked hard to change.)
The "old me" would never have thanked him for sharing these feelings, either. Before H left, I did let him know that if he did choose to build a new R, that these are the kind of conversations I'd like to have more of. Not talking like that enough is something he's also brought up previously-- we both have, really.
Today, I had to let him know about our bank appt. next week as I am trying to coordinate schedules, and with that message I also said that I was sorry he had been feeling pessimistic about us but that I'm glad he felt he could share that with me.
Perhaps he's still feeling scared? Or still searching himself? I guess I would be scared if I were in his shoes. Esp. since I have had the BB support and a long run of C and a lot of personal work to get myself to the place where I am. He has not. But he also doesn't know how much I have worked to get here. It's like he wants to feel it first... didn't work like that for me. I had to do first, then my outlook and feelings changed and then I was able to do more. Like Scott Peck says in his chapter on Love in Road Less Travelled (thank god my mother made me read that book as a teen... years later it all sinks in!).
Something that's been on my mind all day is the discussion I had a while back with my C about the reasons my H had given me for wanting to end his marriage. And he said, well, the 2 of you have talked about what was going wrong (we have-- a lot), and you both agree you are not going to go back to that (we have). Then he said "so the reasons your H has given you for leaving his M actually no longer exist." (light bulb went off here, folks!)
This was a session in which we were talking about ME, what I was willing to do differently to make the kind of M I wanted. I was trying to decide at that time what was the right thing, but today I thought about it in regard to H.
Anyway, reading all your posts and thinking further, maybe I was looking at this all wrong this a.m. Perhaps it is not a retreat at all but is the foundation, the being real and intimate that I have wanted so much... even the hard to hear bits.
I don't really know what it is.
H did also make a point of telling me he really cares about me a lot and that he has a lot of respect for me. And he asked if I knew this. I said I always "knew" on one level, but that at times I have questioned it because I was not treated with caring and respect, but lately had felt it again through his actions. He said he completely understood that. This felt important to me.
But I really, really would love some ideas and advice. You all who mentioned similar convos, I am heading to your threads to see what you're up to!
