My thought process is that I went all "super-scary-alpha" and with that whole alpha/beta balance thing my only possibly saving grace is to be beta for awhile.
Kicking her out is not an alpha move. I don't think you understand what being alpha is. Alpha is all about being confident, assertive, bold and being a leader. It's not about being a jerk. This is no time to go 100% beta on her, that's part of why you are where you are right now.
From everything you've described it sounds like you keep reverting to doormat status and you're right back there again. As MrBond said, you've surrendered all control to her again. You keep swinging to these crazy extremes when you need to be somewhere between. You've really been all over the place on practically a daily basis, it's no wonder she's confused. You've already said you're in financial trouble and she's contributing nothing, what are you actively doing to change this situation?
"if I could find some free relationship counseling through a church or something would you be willing to give it a try with me?"
Response, "No sorry I don't like stuff like that. Thanks so much :-)"
Missed this one. Then you tell her that you don't do stuff like supporting people who won't support you.
If she's not giving you any money, you have no insurance, she just makes the kids a priority over you (which is wrong), then you're not going to be taken advantage of any longer.
The most important thing though is to talk to the kids so that they don't feel like they're being sent away. I really feel for them because there's no sense of a stable home for them.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I'm getting more and more confused...if I assert myself then she's walking out the door and if I don't I'm being taken advantage of...
No, the kids don't have a stable home, and honestly it isn't my fault b/c she didn't have a stable home before living with me and other than maybe getting public assistance to get an apartment has no prospects of a stable home for them.
The difference I'm noticing right now is that this morning she had the kids bring down all the dirty dishes. She asked me if I would do laundry b/c she knows I don't have to. She asked me for a loan to pay bills, not just expected me to pay them. There's things where she's recognizing I don't have to do them and she's asking. So I'm trying to take a cue from 5LL that I need to fill up her love tank.
On Sun when I gave her my ILYBINILWY talk and asked if she wanted to work on things she said, "right now, the only thing I want to do is die. The only things stopping me is my kids." That's plain scary, she was crying when she said it and I've been there. I have another book called "Communication Miracles for Couples" and the author has a similar idea as the love tank. He calls it the self-esteem bank account and says, just the love tank, that you sometimes have to fill up your partners bank account. He says that when people are at a 1 or 0 in their self-esteem bank account they are usually suicidal.
I've been there, I know what it feels like. When I thought back to her saying that and that what everything really revolves around is that while I said I wanted her and the kids in my life I didn't make them feel wanted. Yea, I paid for everything and ended up taking care of the house, but when she had ideas about the house or how to go about things I shut her down quickly and harshly and didn't even think about her ideas. I'm trying to bolster her love tank/self-esteem bank account and see what happens.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
When I ran into her in Wal-Mart this morning she said she had been applying for jobs, just hadn't said anything to me since we were fighting. She's applying for food stamps and medical cards (and I'm sure she's applying for housing assistance too) which, if she stays, will help financially. Also, I am going to make sure there is a written agreement about her paying me back for the money I'm about to loan her. Technically, she isn't my gf b/c she hasn't decided to work on the R, so I'm keeping some boundaries up, just not being an a-hole about it.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
The biggest sticking point is how she doesn't want to work on your R. I understand that to create a meaningful relationship, it takes time. However, I don't see how someone can just not contribute anything to a relationship and not feel like they have to actually make things better.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Internally I'm struggling with that. I'm hoping that I haven't just set myself up to fund her escape. I'm praying about it.
What I'm trying to do is be empathetic and give her the benefit of the doubt.
If I make these assumptions: 1. She didn't intentionally take advantage of me, i.e. see-saw at work, she got comfortable with not having to contribute financially. 2. She was completely faithful to me emotionally and physically.
She was doing what she thought would help the R and honestly believes she was making an effort to spend more time with me and talk with me. Then, I keep demeaning her by accusing her of cheating, ask to talk, then cancel the talk and go ballistic and lock her out. She's scared, really scared of being homeless, her kids being homeless, and having to fight a legal eviction when she has no money. All of a sudden, it changes again and I'm being nice and reasonable. She's scared that in a couple of weeks she's going to be locked out again and going through the same motions. But, if in a couple of weeks ( I am reminding myself to have that 2 week kind of mindset to see some change ) I haven't reverted to my old ways and she keeps up with respect some of the things that upset me, well, there might be a chance here.
I'm really, really trying to think in terms of DB here. That if I keep expecting her to work on the R, if I keep asking her to work on the R, if I keep pushing my agenda then I'm going to push her out the door. I'm more at peace with the thought of her leaving, not completely but not on that emotional deathbed, but I don't want to force it. So I'm trying to take to heart to notice the small victories...her having the kids bring the dishes down and asking, rather than expecting, to do certain things. It's showing me some respect so I'm showing her respect and doing what I can to fill up her love tank.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
She texts me, "How is tomorrow morning gonna work with the car?"
Me: "You're putting me in a tough spot. I helped as a friend today b/c of your class. Yes, I want to work on things but you're still unsure. The same way you have to think about your and the kids well-being I have to think too."
Me: "Ugh, I'm just confused."
Me: "A ride so the kids don't have to walk in the cold is ok."
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
You're half right. She came in to the relationship and got comfortable. Once she felt she was secure with you, she concentrated all on her own needs and her kids. Obviously she didn't learn anything from her other marriaages.
She doesn't understand that in order for this to work, she has to put in the EFFORT. Right now she is being totally selfish. Especially since you've been so accomodating. That's why I feel sorry for children who are raised by such an individual.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
