Keep breathing...

[Breakdown]

So proud of you Regret! This is tough stuff and you handled yourself really well.

This explains an awful lot of the behavior of your H you've described, and I think in knowing what's going on, you can be even stronger. Be the better choice for your H and your family.

[mamabird]

You know, I have a lot of compassion for my H with this POW.

I felt an extraordinarily strong connection with OM1. Because I was at a point in my M where I didn't feel that way with my H, I allowed it to run rampant in my mind and engaged with OM1 in a way that I wouldn't have done if my "love tank" had been full. OM1 and I became very close and I cherished his friendship.

My personal beliefs are that people are connected from previous lives and so when we meet or encounter people who we feel are kindred spirits or who we feel very connected to, we probably have had past lives with them. As such, there is nothing we can do to erase these feelings. They just are. What we can control is how we choose to engage with the other person based on this reality of intense connection.

So, if I assume my H feels this way with POW, I have to let that be. I know that I still miss OM1's friendship and giving him up for the sake of my M was excruciating. I know that H needs POW's support right now in a way that I cannot provide, and I also know that nothing I could do or say would change his mind about it. He feels connected to her and it is up to him how he chooses to handle that. Me getting involved will only make that worse.

H and I just talked for half an hour about our son, which moved into a discussion about the school and the other parents... it was a nice talk. The kind of talks we don't have enough of.

I'm focused on being a better W and a better person. I'm meditating on peace for me and for my H, and allowing my energy to be available and open to good things. I have to set H free if that's what he needs right now, but doing my best to love him despite it. So if this is detachment, well, maybe I guess I'm getting there. It's weird, it feels almost peaceful.

[scaredsilly]

One thing I will say about communications with other people: there's a lot of bravado involved in some of these talks. I know from my own experience, I was a lot braver and tougher when I discussed my sitch sometimes. It was a way of saving face.

What you read could just be him saying what he thinks he should say. I think you are making progress and it helps that you feel compassion for him. That comes through and it's hard to resist.

[hopefulinga]

My dad gave me the same advice that SS is giving. He also said it is a lot easier to say things in texts and emails than in person. He is probably trying to paint you as the bad guy whenever he can and maybe is stringing her along until he knows what is going to happen with you.

[mamabird]

I agree, talk is cheap, but in this case I'm taking it all pretty seriously. My H threatened D many times and I effectively gave him the excuse he was looking for. I still think it's pathetic not to try but I'll just keep DB'ing. When I was lost in OM1 I was reluctant to try too. It is part of the spell I guess. I guess the one advantage I have in this case is I know what it's like to be infatuated with OP.

In any case, H's birthday is coming up and I will ask him to dinner. If he says no we'll have a family dinner with the boys. I am anticipating him saying no to going out to dinner but will try nonetheless.

[mamabird]

I'm wondering if anyone can comment on depression and the WAS. My H does seem to be depressed, but doesn't it seem more natural that the LBS would be depressed? I know depression is a sign of MLC but I don't think he's MLC.

I am not depressed. Even though depression runs in my family I don't seem to have it. I wish I were more depressed because I could stand to lose a few pounds ;-)

Maybe he feels depressed because he's "stuck" - as in L told him not to make any moves and of course reconciling with me isn't an option. Thank you L for buying me some time!

[Wendylon]

You're probably right, Regretful, about your husband's stuckness contributing to him feeling depressed. It seems to me that he must also be feeling confused, guilty and torn. It can't feel great being in his shoes at this point. I would guess that his depression is multi-factorial.

By the way, I don't think feeling depressed goes hand in hand with loosing a few pounds. It could lead to the opposite. Don't wish it on yourself

Yes, it's great that the L is buying you time. Good luck with the birthday idea. Make sure you don't have expectations though.

[mamabird]

H didn't eat well yesterday. He finished off a bag of tortilla chips and had a candy bar as far as I can tell. He didn't eat dinner with us and said he would have something later, and then when I asked him about it he flat out lied. I opened the refrigerator and saw plain as day that he didn't eat what he said he had. Then I asked him this morning about it and he lied again. My son verified that he didn't eat.

I gotta say I am very concerned about his depression and sent him a text just now reminding him to eat. There is plenty of ready made appealing food there for him. And he wonders why he is not feeling well.

[Wendylon]

Hi Regretful,

I can understand you being worried. The combination of him not eating, lying about it and feeling down does sound difficult to witness.

Unfortunately, you'll need to be careful that he doesn't perceive you as getting on his case and interfering with his autonomy. I would drop it for now as your encouraging him to eat could somehow become a reason for him not to, in a perverted way.

It does sound really trying though. Good luck.

[chatterbug]

LA I figured this dynamic out back in the beginning of Sept. It was quite clear from what you were writing. On the 4th of Sept. actually.

Tie in his history. Tie in that he thinks you did what you did to hurt him... How can he hurt you back ?

Yea.

I was waiting for you to figure it out before I wrote to you again.

This is most likely explaining to you all the mood swings , withdrawl , cake eating , anger , happiness.

I am sure you could get a calendar out and start filling in dates and correlate them to his EA's possible PA's

So you now know that your H is as capable of keeping secrets from you as you from him.

Eventually you will both have to come clean. As a marriage needs trust to survive.

None of this holding back because the other cannot handle the truth. That is a cop-out and being dishonest. And if you two do not figure this out. I think your marriage is doomed for failure as you both will continue to repeat your mistakes. And you both will always wonder if you perception is reality.

I would look at detaching again. But keep both eyes open and reveal nothing at the moment until you have processed the thoughts.