Why doesn't it make sense to tell him that he's having an identity crisis. Wouldn't that be a relief for him to know he's not a bad, crazy person? Why does he fight the truth?
If it comes from you, it will be wrong, no matter what you say, they will not be ready to face the truth until they have exhausted all other possibilities. Because all the other possibilities are pointing to EXTERNAL causes, and that is safer than the cause of their pain, confusion, etc being WITHIN.
It is hard for most people to look within, to look in the mirror...much less someone in crisis.
FWIW, if your H gets far enough in the process, he will eventually see it, and accept that he has to do the work (just like we LBS have had to see the person in the mirror and figure out what and how to change, and that we have to do it ourselves).
My W is at this point, she sees it, understands that she is going to have to do the work, that "things" external to her are not going to fix her...she is scared, but facing her reality, slowly, but surely. I have to remind myself to stay out of the way, not protect her from her truths while validating, encouraging and being still.
Hope this helps some...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
the only way to make sense of complete nonsense is to develop an appreciation (if you will) for the MLCers irrationality.
Wonderful quote…
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MLC has been a gift, and I continue to grow and having growing pains! Because of this, I made myself get in touch with my abandonment issues, and co dependent issues and why I had them. And once those started to unfold I was really able to see the role I played in the downfall of our marriage. Not meaning I was at fault, but how our dysfunctional dynamic did nothing but push buttons on eachother and how we would just naturally BUT irrationally react to one another.
This should be sent to every LBS on the MLC boards! It is a very succinct post. One that acknowledges the role that the LBS playing in the M. A lot of times, the LBS focuses on the MLCer, which is understandable but in order to really grow we really need to look inside ourselves.
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but at the same time likes to open it up from time to time
Do you keep photo albums? Why?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric...not sure I understood what you meant about photo albums.
I was referring to Heather stating that her H slammed shut the chapter on them.
I was letting her know that's how I feel about what XH did to us. Slammed the chapter on us shut without any consent from me. Yet for someone that was so damn eager to slam the book shut, seems to "re open" the chapter and go back and reminsce about things. I have a few pictures. XH took the photo albums of us believe it or not.
One thing I want to say is that when we TRULY grasp that this MLC is COMPLETELY about the MLCer, things fall into place. I do know for myself, I needed to learn as much as I could about MLC before I really could see it for what it really was. And when that became more clear, I realized it was time to work on me.
It's true if the MLC is interupted, it's worse each time they leave. XH left 2 times prior to this last time. I knew a 3rd time was in the cards. Just didn't know if the 3rd time would make us or break us. Still not sure.
Im still asking questions about MLC. Because Im still learning the art of appreciating the MLC for what it is, and what it entails. I think a good way to think about it, is that an MLCer will fight you tooth and nail on anything. Don't try and explain to them they're having a crisis, because it's in one ear and out the other. It's like the LBS becomes the parent, and the MLCer the rebellious teen FROM HELL. Really our roles switch from husband/wife to Parent/child.
As a parent I've learned that there are many times where you must absolutely stand firm, choose your battles wisely, but when you choos that battle do not back down. Otherwise, let the kids go and allow them to learn...within reason. Treat the MLCer in the same fashion and it seems to start to smooth out after a while.
One thing Im also learning is a whole new way to communicate with XH and my kids. If you just tell them what you need and want from them, life is so much easier. You don't have to be rude, arrogant, or bossy about it either. Just make it clear!
I've told my XH a few times in the last few weeks that I NEED his help and WANT his help. Finally dawned on my dumb a$$ that the poor guy needs to be needed! No wonder he felt worthless around me because I just had to take care of everything...thinking it would make everyone happy! Then of course enter my issues. I thought in order to make him happy I had to be his door mat or servant. Sheesh, no wonder he lost respect for me, because I didn't have any respect for myself!
And no wonder he took in this OW in particular. She's been crying on his shoulder for 8 years and has ALWAYS asked him to rescue her. Getting involved with her made him feel a little more wortwhile I guess. Now she's kicking him in the teeth every chance she gets...even rubs her XH in his face! UGH, how awful is that?
Getting involved with her made him feel a little more wortwhile I guess. Now she's kicking him in the teeth every chance she gets...even rubs her XH in his face! UGH, how awful is that?
Looks like he rescued the dragon instead of the princess huh?
: )
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Yeah, but Kimmerz, what came first the chicken or the egg?
You say you had to control everything. I'm sure part of this was because you volunteered. Still, how much of this control was necessary to get things done.
My H always had a strong measure of selfishness. He would much rather I put in the effort than have to do it himself. I played my part perfectly and so did he.
I know H felt like he wasn't needed for anything but money. But, that's because of how he thought, not the reality. Other men may feel the same way from time to time, but they don't desert their families.
I also know there was NOTHING I could've done to avoid this crisis. Almost like a psychotic break with reality. The seeds for this crisis were planted long before I was H's wife. No action or feeling or knowledge on my part could've stopped this train. He is doing what he needs to do. I can thank his parents and his genetics if I can blame anything or anyone.
I can also blame his entrenched habit of blaming others before looking at himself.
Truthfully, I think the main thing attracting H to OW was her availability, not any deep unfulfilled need on H's part. She was, quite simply, there. She told him what his 46-yr-old drug addicted a$$ wanted to hear. He took the bait. He chose to take a bite because she offered an escape. I offered reality, with kids, normal marital and family issues--I expected him to DEAL with his demons--H wants to avoid his demons. I expected him to rise to the occasion--H wants to run as fast and as far as he can. I know a part of him knows the truth, I know he doesn't really care about OW, we both know what he needs to do--I know he's in a lot of pain...
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
What goes around comes around.....you sound so strong..my ex always sounds like he is afraid of me.....sometimes he makes me feel like he is lookin for approval on things he does......I really don't care what he does it just feels like that..... I was like you took care of everything so he wouldnt have to worry and I guess he saw it as controlling or that I didnt need him. he told me when the bomb dropped he thought I didnt love him any more and when I think about that back then I can see why he thought that way. How we make it thru this is mind boggling...but we do make it don't we....
But, here's the thing. I don't think there was ANYTHING I coulda done or did to avoid this... Anymore than me being responsible for my 18-yr-old daughter's antics. She blames me too. Do I accept that? No way! I've been a good mom. I think one of the worst things we can do in this situation is blame ourselves. Not to say we don't learn and grow and become better people... but blame myself? Notta chance- (at least not today).
I was a good wife. We actually had a good marriage in many respects. We had fun as a family. We had problems like any family. That's what makes this so sad. He fell into this dark hole and we fell apart--at least for now. But, there was nothing I could do except maybe not take the risk and marry him. I knew he was a dangerous mission when I took it.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
P.S. I still believe I was the best thing that happened to him. Jury is still out whether he was/is the best thing for me---not today--but... I know I will be one he--of woman when this is over!
Time will tell if he's smart enough to figure this out. And, days like today, I truly feel it may come down to intelligence. Maybe some people are just smarter than others and can, eventually, distinguish between rabid emotions and common sense. I've been horrible, severely depressed and I could see, after some trial and error, rationally, that I wasn't thinking clearly and couldn't trust my thoughts. I'm also, as I've come to find out, pretty dam- brave and was willing to take myself on. Not sure my H is that brave.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Eric...not sure I understood what you meant about photo albums
Below is exactly what I meant….
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Yet for someone that was so damn eager to slam the book shut, seems to "re open" the chapter and go back and reminsce about things.
They shut the door…or so WE think but IMO I think they never really do. I believe that a part of them, much like we do, will still have memories of the good times and so they go back and open the “photo albums”.
Heather,
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I don't think there was ANYTHING I coulda done or did to avoid this...
Yep…does this then inspire compassion towards him, does it make you feel like in some f*cked up way he really can’t even help himself?
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I expected him to DEAL with his demons
A normal expectation….IF the person is normal and not in a crisis.
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I expected him to rise to the occasion
I am NOT justifying his actions here….maybe in his warp, f*cked up mind he EXPECTED you to understand him. Either way, you need to do what YOU need to do for YOU and the kids.
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I know I will be one he--of woman when this is over
And this ^^^^ is the GIFT in all of this..if there ever is one.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Lois/Heather, There was absolutely nothing you could have done to stop his crisis. This is his crisis and his crisis alone. What happened to him happened when he was a child. Each and every person goes through a life's transition and we are on the only ones that control the outcome of that transition. Yes, there are outside factors that contribute to how we deal w/the transition, but when it comes to the internal factors, only we can drive this bus, no one else.
Just as they select the OP, if the OP they are with at this moment wasn't readily available, they would have found someone else. Again, only the mlcer has control over his/her destiny.
I'm sure you had a good marriage, we all did. We all tried to do the best that we could and we all made mistakes along the way. No marriage is perfect, but what happens to the spouse that enters a mlc crisis doesn't really have anything to do w/the marriage, except for the fact that they tend to turn their focus on to us and the relationship and think that because they are unhappy, we are the root of all evil. Some day, your h will realize he had a good marriage and a good wife, but for now....he's out there searching for himself and what he thinks he missed as a young adult. He's searching for that self worth that he never got growing into a man from his parents and he needs to go back there, to that dark place, and find himself. While he's gone, dig deep for patience and compassion for the emotional pain that he is experiencing. Yes, there will be days when you want to knock some sense into his head, but keep in mind, you would not deliberately harm someone who has terminal illness or who has broken bones. Your man is broken on the inside and you can't see the emotional scars and bruises that he has carried for years. They have to heal and the only way to do that is to allow him time and space to do what he must do to get to the other side.
Keep the focus on you and your children for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
