I get so confused by his behavior and I don't know whether to shut him down when he comforts me (as this seems to make us BOTH feel better) OR if I should refuse his offers to make him feel better?
This is a delicate balancing act. On the one hand you want to detach and protect yourself, but on the other hand intimate contact has a way of bringing people closer together. I was reading DR again over the weekend and was surprised to run across a blurb where Michele actually suggests that ML might be a good idea in trying to resurrect a failing marriage. That might seem counterintuitive to DB'ing, but ML is rarely just physical and does create deep emotional bonds too.
Quote:
When he moves out in 3 weeks I feel the opportunities for us to be in these scenarios will be zero.
Perhaps, but look at the other side too, he will get much more space and time if he's not under the same roof.
Quote:
It just feels weird knowing he doesn't LOVE ME but yet finds comfort in being close to me sometimes.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.
Quote:
What do I do, and why does he DO this?!
It's the distance/ pursuit dynamic. Try not to react too strongly to his swings back and forth.
Quote:
I agree that his happiness has to "happen" in order for us to have a chance.
It's not that his happiness has to happen, it's that he needs to come to the realization that his unhappiness is coming from within him and not from you. That's where the space and time thing comes into play.
Quote:
I am worried that for the past 4 months since he dropped "the bomb" we have talked regularly and openly but now that he is moving out the sitch changes and so opportunity for talk is going to be more limited. Plus I don't feel it will be right for me to call him (unless it's about the kids).
Again, don't look at this as a negative, look at it as a required step towards healing the M. Space and time is what he needs. What you need is to back off of him and work on yourself.
Quote:
I could use some advice from others who are separated how they handled things. I just don't know how being separated can bring us close.
I highly recommend working things out with your H before he leaves. W and I sat down for about an hour to hammer out things like visitation, bill payments, what she was planning on taking from the house, etc. Get it all worked out beforehand so the transition is as painless as possible. We even talked about things like W respecting my privacy and not letting herself into my house after she moved. If your kids are in school then work out dropoff and pickup too. And discuss the kids' expenses and how that will be handled.
As for S bringing you close, I think you're still missing the point. You have to let him go! Detach! Release him! Give him the freedom he thinks he wants! Until he gets that "freedom" he's not going to realize how little you have to do with his unhappiness.
Quote:
I hate that our boys are going to have to go through their dad leaving and not living with us (even though he will see them every day). Any advice how to handle the kids? ...what to say/ not say when we tell them?
It is very important to emphasize to them that they had no part in the S. They will blame themselves, you both need to reassure them that it has nothing to do with them and that you both love them very much. Also tell them beforehand how the visitations will work so they don't get blind-sided later. Tell them when it will start and what the schedule will be. Emphasize to them that you will both be flexible, so if they're with one parent and really miss the other then they can go visit them. When it comes to kids you both need to let go of your own needs and desires and facilitate the kids, especially in the first couple of months. If possible it's nice for the kids to see both parents each day even if only for a few minutes. Even on my weeks my W comes over and gets the kids ready for school after I've already left, and even on her weeks I pick them up and bring them to my house until W can pick them up. It's obviously not as good as us all being under the same roof, but the kids seem to be adapting OK since they see us both each day.
