I am now a bit confused. And I really would like some help on this.

My H met the goal I set about opening up to me. Again, this came completely from him and not something I had pushed him to do. He drove ah hour to our home and we agreed I would make us dinner. He wanted to talk and get the insurance papers from me.

What he wanted to talk about really surprised me, and not in a good way. H reiterated all the things he had said back when in his alien days-- only this time in a nice, calm way-- the things he said back when he was skating on the surface of what was going on with him and with our M.

He said he did not want to keep giving me hope. And he seemed to have completely reversed everything he's been saying up to now.

After a month of therapy and living on his own, he said he is feeling that perhaps it is best that we move on seperately, asked would I respect his decision if he thought that was "what was best for him".

H also said several times that he was "just telling me how he has been feeling", that he was "not making a choice tonight". He said he has been thinking about recommitting to his M, but what if that is not what he wants but just what I want.

He kept coming back to these broad statements about what was not working for us at time of A (without ever mentioning the A). It sounded a lot like the justifications and rationalizations for the A that I heard back when. I felt as though he was trying to make a case in his head for why it was OK that he made these choices-- choices he has repeatedly called "wrong", "a nightmare", "a mistake", "hurtful", etc.

I listened to all of this and validated all the feelings he's having because yes, they are his feelings and he is having them. I validated his discussion about what was not working for us then and shared a bit of what I've learned about those things and how we have both changed them.

He really listened to me talk and seemed pleased that I did speak. I was careful to communicate in the way I want to, and not react to my fleeting feelings about any of these things. I told him that after all we had been through that I had chosen to love him and we talked about love as a choice. He said what if he doesn't want to make the same choice. Yet when I asked if he had changed his mind about that, he said he was just sharing his feelings.

H said all of where we are at is not about his depression--something I also believe. But then H started in with the old speak about how the depression was because of the situation we're in, almost completely disregarding that he put himself in the situation largely as a result of depression-- i.e., how that affected his outlook and withdrawal and getting into the A as a remedy for how he was feeling. Now we have talked about this stuff A LOT. And this was the stuff I heard around the time of the bomb... and that he has backtracked on since then. Kind of threw me that it was still in his head.

We shared some of our feelings on D. I told him the story of my D lawyers advising me not to file because it was not what I want. He said the one he went to was also "not hung-go" about the idea. He said his old C may have hurt our process and that his new one specializes in couples work and does not advocate D, that he sees that as "pro-M". I talked about how much having a pro-M C allowed me to be optimistic in ways I would not have been otherwise seen (and also to deal with my stuff where I needed to do that).

We also discussed the balance I'd been trying to create between giving him space and showing him he is loved (one of his complaints in our M that I wanted to reverse). He said I have done nothing wrong there, and that he did need the space and did not feel the little things I am doing for him stopped him from having that space. (and that he felt awkward about the V-Day candy because he had nothing to give me, which was what I suspected.)

We also talked a bit about the idea of knowing each others LLs and how not talking about that had affected how we were showing each other we are loved. We talked about the idea of a new M versus fixing the old M should he decide to commit to our R.

When H left he said he had needed to share how he was feeling and be honest about it.

We had a pretty good discussion, considering. Frankly, he still appears rather depressed to me, though much improved. Like the "edge" is off and now the hard work begins.

So, I am left wondering whether that is where he is-- is he in the beginning of therapy (obviously, it's been a couple of weeks) faced with the prospect of asking himself the tough Qs and going deeper than the surface stuff like "my marriage was falling apart" and "I wasn't getting enough", "what is best for me"? Maybe he is at the place of really having to feel the hard bits to put them behind and retreating back into the "safety" of the A so as to not feel it?

Or maybe this is that piece of MLC I keep reading of where they revisit the stages? Or maybe he had an epiphany about how his life will be so much better without me in it? Maybe it is OW withdrawal that he is feeling too?

Or maybe he is testing me to see if he can open up this stuff with me?

I guess I don't know what it is. Or how to respond.

wonder