Pattie and Mooka, I wish I could say I am wise on this topic. It took me a bit of time to figure out the depression link, even though I KNEW something wasn't right. Then I spent a lot of time trying to convince my H that he needed help. H knew that on one level, I think. He's a very intelligent guy. He was the exact description of denial in the MLC stages...
I can tell you that when he did come to me and ask for help I did not always handle it well... I was deeply caught up in my own trauma over the A and over his unusual change of behavior.
I think my H's first C made things worse. That is my suspicion. Funny, I was listening to the audio tape of the financial book Die Broke the other day, and the author says about financial advisors what Michele's work says about some therapists... "when someone is drowning, it's of no help to them to talk about how they got there. What they need is to be thrown a life preserver." Give them things to do to fix it.
Quote: My H has all the same symtoms...UGH...but does not think he is depressed at all. Big ego in that arena. He doen't see a c either....I do. He is stuck. Do I just sit back, continue DBing, filling my life (and I am..) and let him figure this out.
So I would say to this... take care of yourself and keep going forward. You won't be able to support him in any positive way if you don't. And keep DBing! And accept there is a certain amount that he needs to figure out on his own. Also, I would not be so sure about the ego... might also be fear.
In my case, I think my H finally saw no other option. I hate to speculate as to what specifically caused him to change his approach and accept things he would not previously accept. He isn't living the way he wants to live, that much I know. And I think perhaps he finally realized it wasn't situational... it's ongoing and the things he was using to try to make it go away have only made it more painful. I can't say for sure, really. We have not discussed this since he has decided to take an active role. Meds are just one piece, and I hope he takes other steps to feel better as well. But I suspect he needed the meds just to be able to take the other steps because he fell so low.
What have I done? I have both advised him and hounded him. I've done an extraordinary amount of research and shared some of it with him. Once I took care of me, I was able to show concern without demanding that he see someone. I just kept being there.
I find the gentle approach is more appreciated with my H, but there was a time when yelling at him was the only way to get through to him. But that's because I never raise my voice.
My H is someone who has always felt a need to learn things on his own, even if it means it's a harder and longer process. So while I know he's been listening to all I have said, I'm not sure what helped him. I will have to ask him that at some point.
Well, hope some of this makes sense. I'm off to "girls night"!
