The crack in my perfect life...

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I'm back...

I would like to believe that she was also looking for someone to say the right things. One thing that H did say to me in counsleing was that she said things to him that I never have.

Yes, an affair is largely about two people telling each other how wonderful they are, putting each other on a pedestal, and not being able to see any negatives about the other person -- that's why it's impossible for a long-term spouse to compete with -- impossible.

As mentioned before, your H had needs that weren't being met. It was interesting to me that you titled your thread "The crack in my perfect life..." because it implies that pre-bomb things were perfect for you. If that's the case, then H was *expert* at meeting your needs -- was he really? Usually in the case of an affair, things were not going well for either party in the "needs being met" department, but the LBS chose to cope while the WAS chose to walk.

There is tons of luck involved when it comes to an affair. First the WAS needs an opportunity with someone who is willing to engage, and then that person needs to be well-matched. Its easy for anyone to supply something that the WAS has been starving for *short term*, but if they are not a good match, then once that need is met, all the other deficiencies start to pull the affair relationship apart. Given that your H seems to have found someone 20 years older, on short notice, in a *bar*, I'm going to guess that he really doesn't have a very good match there. The "life coach" that he's now found *seems* less committed to him than a traditional EA partner would be, but that's purely guesswork on my part. In any case, the silver lining here for you is that H seems to be chasing "any port in a storm" versus having found someone he believes to be the new "light of his life".

I don't say that to in any way minimize the challenges you have before you -- dealing with OW is a waiting game. Often if the OW relationship developed over a long period of time, you can have to wait a LONG time for it to fall apart, and then another LONG time for the grieving period to end before the WAS will consider recommitting to the marriage. At a minimum we're talking months but often it's years -- few have the patience for that kind of waiting, but there are several on this board who have been able to do it.

It think the good news for you is that your H's affairs seem to be less committed, and NOT a full replacement for what you provide to him, and therefore he's highly conflicted and tempted to "cake eat", meaning trying to keep getting some needs met by you, and others from someone else. There's an opportunity for you there to learn about the things you're NOT providing for him, and trying to figure out how to fill that gap. Unfortunately, you can't rely upon him to be helpful or receptive, as he may not have himself figured out, and he may harbor so much resentment that just seeing you try will make him even angrier -- this is common. You just have to be consistent and weather the storm.

In any case, OW is rarely the *cause* of anything, they are a symptom, and the best thing that you can do is disregard them.

H claimed that she gave him unconditional love and asked for nothing in return.

Not worth responding to. There are two schools of thought in marriage: one is that your spouse owes it to you to love you unconditionally. The other is that it is your responsibility to maintain your spouse's love for you by meeting their needs competently and professionally. Here's a quote about this from the Marriage Builders website:

In successful marriages, spouses expect to change to accommodate each other's needs, so when a spouse registers a complaint, it's a signal for action. In failed marriages, on the other hand, spouses expect to be accepted as they are, without change. A complaint is interpreted as an unwillingness to love unconditionally, a failure of the complaining spouse. So instead of adjusting to the complaint, the defense is offered, "if you really loved me, you would not try to change me. You would let me continue to do whatever it is I'm doing."

The point is, expecting to be loved unconditionally, regardless of your non-marriage friendly behaviors, is an attitude that will lead to a failed marriage.

I am just scared all the time of his ideas because I dont trust him and the house is a big deal to me and where the kids and I live. I didnt want to be pregnant, with 2 teens, 2 dogs and no where to go. I think I do assume the worst at the moment, I have not always been this way. Just very hesitant with any major decision right now.

This is very understandable. The situation you are in will at times put you directly at odds with your H at the same time you are trying to save your marriage. Your best strategy here is to use your lawyer as a buffer. Don't argue with H directly, run his plans by your lawyer and let your lawyer respond to them.

I have felt that I was not supported in this by H and I thought that is what a H and W do, is help each other and family if they have to.

This is great -- you have an expectation here for what H should do, and he did not do it, so you got resentful. That resentment will reveal itself in your treatment of H and push the two of you apart. Part of working on yourself is to examine your beliefs and expectations about what H should do, and make sure he understands them.

If you grew up in a family where your father mowed the lawn and took out the trash, you will expect that H will mow the lawn and take out the trash, even if you don't explicitly discuss this. If H grew up in a family where his mother did those things, he'll come into marriage with an incompatible expectation. If you don't discuss it, you'll collide with each other over these chores and both get resentful.

With regard to the "support" you expected to see from H, your challenge is to break that down into specific behaviors -- "I feel supported when you..." For some people, all they need is a hug once in a while to feel supported, other people need to feel listened to on a daily basis, other people need their spouse to roll up their sleeves and do some work for them or with them. What does "support" look like to you? You need to lay it out for H specifically and don't just assume that he should know. If he doesn't respond, then you need to make it clear how important it is to you. If he still doesn't respond, it's time for MC before things get worse.

I have been wanting to blame H for everything since I have felt so hurt and rejected. Is this normal?

It actually seems more normal for the LBS to blame themselves, but either way, placing blame is a coping mechanism. The more important task is to forgive yourself and H, because forgiveness will give you a release -- it's a gift you give yourself. H doesn't even have to know you've forgiven him, it's not about him, it's about you.

I resent that he has been able to walk away so carefree, leave me, our children, our unborn baby, our home and live with no responsibility. Live happy, free and make this look so easy for him. Its hard to watch.

As Labug said elsewhere "there should be a special level of hell reserved for a man who leaves a woman with small children".

That said, a WAS does not just wake up one day and leave. In most cases, they've been living with pain, frustration, and resentment for a long time before the point that leaving looks better than staying.

The "carefree and happy" is just a show for your benefit. He is deeply hurt, saddened, and conflicted. They are so hurt and feel so guilty, that their coping mechanism needs to eventually convince themselves that they are not at fault, and that's why they re-write history, say that everything was always bad, and that everything is your fault, because it's the only way they can live with themselves. They will do everything they can to hide this pain from you, because if you see it, it could indicate that you are right and they are wrong, and they don't want to give you that impression at all.

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So here's the thing -- take stock of where you are right now and what you want. Do some soul searching. There are two roads to take and you can't take both. One road is to get angry with H, see him as the villain, see yourself as the victim, and try to continually show him how much pain he is causing you and what a big mistake he's making.

The other path is to decide you want him back. You can't pursue getting him back if you follow path one. On path #2, you need to pave the road home and make it smooth. He KNOWS he has wronged you. To the WAS, coming back often looks like scaling a mountain. They are afraid that you will throw their bad deeds in their face every chance you get. They are afraid of the work that will be required to regain your trust. They are afraid of having to rebuild all the bridges they have burned, so staying away becomes the path of least resistance.

How do you pave the path?

1) Work on yourself to become a spouse that only a fool would leave. Evaluate your shortcomings and improve upon them. Become the most attractive you that you can be.

2) Relieve their guilt. Demonstrate that they are not "making you sad and ruining your life". Act as if everything is okay and you are happy. Be someone who it seems fun to be around. Let them see the sun shining over your head and not a dark storm cloud. Normalize what they have done to the degree that you can -- everyone likes attention from the opposite sex, everyone likes to have their ego stoked, etc. etc.

3) Do not make them resent you: Everything you do needs to be measured against a yardstick of resentment. Will your communication, attitude and actions make him resent you more or less? A WAS will resent you for making him responsible for your feelings, so if you are sad because of him, he will resent you and avoid you. A WAS will resent you for shaming him. A WAS will resent you for pressuring him. A WAS will resent you for talking to his friends and family to advocate on your behalf. A WAS will resent you for initiating R talks and forcing them to give you bad news. The best thing you can do is give them space, "act as if", and GAL.

This path puts a HUGE BURDEN on you. You have to take your pride and indignation and put it in the back seat. You have to work through it yourself. I felt like I was putting on a backpack each day with 100lbs of rocks in it and offering W a smile and no complaints. That is what you have to do to save your marriage, and it is not easy. It's a choice you make however, and it is unfortunately a marathon, not a sprint, and there is very little instant gratification.

You need to train him that a future with you is different than your past, and "training" is only accomplished by time and repetition. What you say will not matter -- only what you do, and you have to do it consistently over and over again despite a lack of positive response.

Take care of yourself an your baby, you cannot make your situation either better or worse on a very short timescale, to try to "just be" and reduce your stress level any way you can.

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