Going home

[bustingout]

((((((( NG))))))

I am sorry you are feeling like this now...but do remember it is for right NOW. We forget sometimes how much we absorb and process in short periods of time. Like you said..so much has happened in the past several weeks with you and W.

And be easy on yourself...this is a trauma. I can't imagine feeling anything else that what you have described. So keep coming HERE. This is your stable safe place for now. ON THE BLANKET.

And remember ...this is still about YOU. This is your journey. Your timeline. Its your story. And I am confident that it will continue to be the most graceful and enlightened one I have the honor of witnessing.

Love you NG (((((( ))))))

[StubbornDyke]

(((((NG)))))

Oh, that elusive detachment. She's doing her thing. Isn't that interesting? Keep doing your thing. Some days it's really hard work being irresistible. But we superheroes just have to do it. After we have our feelings, of course.

More hugs...

[afa75]

NG just popping in to see if there's any update on how you're doing.

SD, I'm stealing some of your comment above. It made me smile on a "rough" day too.

Now back to you NG...hope all is well.

[needgrace]

Wow... I am so grateful and a bit overwhelmed (in a good way) by all the love and encouragement here from such wonderful people.. thank you so much SS, Afa, Busting, SD. I am humbled by the wonderful things you all have said about me and in support of me and my growth.

I felt like I was in a fog most of yesterday but I felt better by last night. I had trouble sleeping and kept waking up with intrusive thoughts about my sitch and things W said or did recently... but I just kept repeating "she is doing her thing, isn't that interesting?" and trying to turn back to sleep... it worked for the most part...thanks SD!

and i think it helped that i accepted where i am at right now.. i realized all the changes over the past few weeks with her moving back, moving forward with the D, etc... were all shocks to recover from.

I realized that W's words about me not changing were really bothering me and i was beating myself up a bit... but again I need to remind myself "Isn't it interesting that she feels that way?" and let it go.. I am not perfect, but who is? the important thing is that i am willing and have been working on being a better me in the midst of a difficult time in my life.. and it is important that i know that, not her.

zig was helping me last night with the concept of surrendering.. and she sent me a quote by melody beattie:

"Surrendering means doing nothing about whatever you can't do anything about. try not to stare at it either. Do something else, something you can do. try to relax, just a little. If you must do something say 'thy will be done' and mean it."

I really like that, especially the last sentence.. that is what i am working on now.. surrendering to what is, the things i can not do anything about right now.. and focusing instead on the things i can do.

I love you all.. thank you for helping me get through this weekend!

[needgrace]

JOURNAL

surrendering day 2

I had bought the book The Journey From Abandonment To Healing months and months ago... but did not want to pick it up, actually felt like could not pick it up... was not able to face the fact that this may be the end, I guess... and the book signified for me that I was at the end for some reason.. ... I know that does not make any logical sense. I tried to read it once and just could not.. I was not ready.

Today I picked up that book and read the first 50 pages. It is a symbol that I am ready to face the reality of my sitch. It is hard to read, lots of tears, but it actually took away some of the anxiety I was feeling this morning.

It normalized everything I have been feeling and experiencing and related it to how the body reacts to intense feelings and how our past experiences intensify it. She calls it PTSD of Abandonment.. and that really resonated for me and explains why the symptoms keep reemerging and being triggered as W moves closer to D.

Love and peace to all here today.

[bustingout]

NG you are so brave. I admire you so much. I read what you wrote and o can identify that own fear in myself...maybe its that last step of facing reality...i think i am pushing it away.

Thank you for always sharing the inner depths of yourself. it is an honor to be with you here. You give me so much encouragement and enlightenment. I really love you NG. You are such a special friend.

I hope you have a day filled with peace and love.


((((((((((((( )))))))))))))

[needgrace]

my dear sister busting, i love you too...you have been such a much needed source of support and encouragement in my life this year. you have given me so much.. and i will be forever grateful for having you in my life at this time.. thank you.

JOURNAL

surrendering - day 3

reading the book by Susan Anderson has given me such peace this morning. it normalizes everything i have been feeling and instead of that vague feeling of worry that there is something very wrong with me that i feel so much, i feel better about myself and where i have been and am at now..

she explains the physiology of loss and it is amazing to read.. for example, she talks about research that loss decreases the production of opioids so that we experience a withdrawal that is psychobiologically akin to withdrawal from heroin or morphine..

that sure sounds like what i have felt... and i think i continue to feel it when i see her, almost like a relapse of sorts.

i emailed her yesterday about my questions, confusion and concern about the L she wanted to "share" to draw up the papers... she replied this morning in somewhat of a dismissive manner and i was able to just think "isn't that interesting?" (thank you, SD.)

i am not fighting the D (though i still don't agree with it).. but i just want to make sure that it is done in a respectful and considerate manner on both sides..

again, love and peace to all.

[Tumbling]

NG - just dropping in to see how you are.
Your surrendering to allow your Self to process is inspiring,
You sound different,
You sound calm,
you sound like a Serenity Sister,
you "Have Grace" ((()))

[StubbornDyke]

(((((NG)))))

I'm glad you're keeping on the path, doing what needs to be done, and finding some peace and understanding.

[keep_going]

(((((NG)))))

I am so sorry I have not been here lately to show my support to you. I just caught up with the latest posts here in your thread.

You are so brave and strong - I hope you can recognize that. This part of the journey, with the D process - I love how you are keeping yourself grounded and real - wanting to do it in a respectful and considerate way. You know it will be hard. There is so much pain and we cannot control our spouses' actions and reactions. But we will get through it. You are not alone in this...

Have I told you I love reading your post? You deal with your hardships with such compassion and kindness and I am trying to emulate and learn. It has helped me so much this past couple of weeks.

Thanks for the book recommendation. It sound like it's helping you a lot and I think it might help me too. So I will get it.

And yes, let's get together for a drink or two (or three or more!) I am feeling much better now and feel now and I know we will have a blast. And hey, maybe we can figure out how to get Alex and the gang to show up with the bats in future post-seasons... I have the kids this weekend, but we will figure something out hopefully for next one.


PS - Thank you for being so supportive to me. I know I have not responded yet - it's my first day back and am slowly catching up. I thought I would start by checking folks' thread here. I will connect with you later over there. Have to pick up kids from school now.

(((((NG)))))