"(Wife's first name), I hear you saying that X, Y and Z are tough for you right now. I get that; this is tough on ALL of us right now. We're each going to have to learn new skills if we're going to get thru whatever lies ahead, and although I didn't wish for this, I am excited about it when it comes to my own personal growth."
This is just my opinion but I'd leave this out if i were going to tell her that. I feel that it's passing blame like :"Hey! it was your idea and it's hurting us all". Maybe it's just me. A lot of stuff which is said harmlessly can be seen as aimed at guilting someone else. I guess it's all about intent in the end but I'd want to make sure she can't see a hint of my old behaviour.
I can agree on deleting the "I didn't wish for this" (it was merely meant to not sound pollyannish when you said that you're exciting about your prospects and growth). But I strongly disagree on shielding her from the opportunity to know that it IS her decision to have an affair, and to end the marriage this way, that is making things difficult.
Sorry Starsky, I just had to laugh. I'm pretty sure she knows that she decided to have an affair and she also knows that I know, so IMO to reiterate it here has only one purpose, to make her feel guilty for it and rub her face in it.
I'm not saying I don't feel like doing that every so often but I'm glad that I learned to control my behaviour on this stuff. It just doesn't fit with the way I want to handle things right now.
But I totally agree with BGPs. She's got to face the music and it's better if I let her handle things by herself.
Thanks Starsky
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Well then stop denying the OM the task to fail her on these deep conversations...... Hmmm......
YES ^^
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Sorry Starsky, I just had to laugh. I'm pretty sure she knows that she decided to have an affair and she also knows that I know, so IMO to reiterate it here has only one purpose, to make her feel guilty for it and rub her face in it.
I'm not saying I don't feel like doing that every so often but I'm glad that I learned to control my behaviour on this stuff. It just doesn't fit with the way I want to handle things right now.
Arsene, let me be clear about one thing and then I'll drop this. I am NOT saying for YOU to initiate ANY statement similar to the one I laid out. I agree, that would be attacking and blaming and make you look weak.
I am ONLY recommending that when SHE starts with her "woe is me" stuff, you remind her that it's tough on everyone. You don't even have to do this every time, but an occasional "truth dart" is generally a good idea.
There's no reason why you should sit there and listen to how choppy the waters are for her, when she's the one that headed out of her safe port onto the rough open seas of her own choosing.
There's no reason why you should sit there and listen to how choppy the waters are for her, when she's the one that headed out of her safe port onto the rough open seas of her own choosing.
I love it too AT. Starsky does have a way with words, doesn't he?
I hear you Starsky. Cheers mate!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Yeah, it's always good to get his side of things. Sometimes I think I get a bit too soft with W, especially now that we talk more openly. I need to keep everything in perspective. She is still with OM, and it's hurting our family.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Hmmm, Does he actually acknowledge that OW is then also a problem? You wonder where they get their rationale for all this. In a way, I think that something is their brain simply stops working because what they are doing is so out of character that the brain itself doesn't understand what's going on so it creates an alternate reality to stop itself from going insane.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
