Life as an Authentically Living LBS.

[LoisB]

Seems like the million dollar question is... are these MLC-ers sick or just jerks?

In H's case... His mom got pregnant in college. She and the dad maybe got married? It's always been unclear. But, they did become a couple. She had H-I think they lived with her parents? When H was 2, she and her parents went on a summer trip. When they returned, H's dad had packed all his stuff and disappeared. I'm not sure if H's dad had any contact after that or not.

MIL met and married someone else about a year later--maybe less than a year? H's biological dad gave up all parental rights. The story goes that H's bio. dad was a teacher and saw what divorce did to children and didn't want H split between two houses. Really?? Anyhow, H didn't know he was adopted or that he had another dad until he was 13. At which point, he began abusing drugs and alcohol and became more of a handful than he already was...

H's mom, dad and entire family was VERY controlling and closed up about feelings. H was expected to BE the way they wanted him to be as opposed to who he really was. I don't think he ever felt safe to just be himself or feel the feelings he had. He was always expected to act, feel and be someone he wasn't. Spent the next 30+ years abusing substances to numb the pain.

Now, I say all this without excusing his current behavior. He has been a royal a$$hole. I grew up in less than perfect circumstances and I haven't deserted my kids, my dog, my spouse, etc... A lot of people have troubled childhoods and that doesn't make it OK to hurt others indiscriminately without any thought for another's feelings.

I've struggled with depression, off and on my whole life. For awhile, I blamed H, thinking if I had a better spouse who made more money, I'd be happy. I learned that, as much as I wanted to blame it all on my spouse, the reality was that my depression was my responsibility.

I wish I knew the answer to the million dollar question. I know I have made far too many excuses for my H. I know I have made it wayyyy to easy for him to avoid responsibility over the years. But, I also sense that nothing would have prevented this from happening. Whatever pain my H is feeling run so deep and so heavy that he is willing to give up everything he loves the most to get away from it. Problem is, us grown-ups know he won't be able to escape it no matter how hard he tries.

One other thing. In my case, addiction is a part of the picture. There are plenty of good people who have done truly horrible things when stuck in their active addiction. The prisons and jails are full of people who made detestable choices even though they aren't detestable people.

I guess the bottom line is... Only God can judge why, how or what possesses someone to hurt someone else. I know with my 18-yr-old, she pushes me and tortures me because she is in pain and she trusts I am safe to share these feelings. She knows I will love her no matter what, and this makes it safe for her to unload her pain--

My 10-yr-old daughter has Aspergers. Kids with Aspergers rarely feel safe to be themselves because their real selves are so volatile and unpredictable. Not their fault, just how they are wired. Sometimes I've wondered if H is autistic.

Anyway, early on, before the diagnosis, everyone--and I mean EVERYONE would tell us we needed to discipline MORE. They'd say her only problem was that we coddled and allowed her to get away with murder. Truth is, D10 felt relatively safe in our home to be herself and that's what lead to her diagnosis. Instead of asking her to suck it up and BE someone she wasn't, I allowed her to be herself--and that made all the difference. If we had taken the advice of virtually everyone else, she would be a very angry, depressed, frustrated and sad kid today. Maybe this is how H started? He was beaten into submission? Sometimes literally-I can understand this too--as a parent--having a child with special needs is incredibly challenging. If I never discovered what was going on with D10, I may have resorted to a strict, severe regime-- in fact I did at certain points.

Just my thoughts, take what you need and leave the rest.
Heather