Here we go again...

[someguy1233]

W came home last night around 10PM. I had finally drifted off to sleep a few minutes prior and was woken by her opening the front door. I spent the next hour or so trying to get rid of the worst anxiety I’ve had so far.. and trying to stop my brain from drifting to all the possible things she could have been doing while she was out.

This morning we carpooled to work again. She wouldn’t stop talking. She actually told me, “I’m going to keep talking. I can’t sit in this car with you in silence again. If that’s not ok with you, drop me off at a bus stop.”

She asked that I get up with S tomorrow morning. I told her that I don’t have a problem doing that, but she needs to not wake me when she comes home. I need my sleep as well. I may have made a mistake saying this… she made the suggestion that she’ll just stay in the guest bedroom downstairs when she comes home late. At least she was on the same floor when she was sleeping on the couch. And as much as I hated having my sleep interrupted, I could keep an eye on her behaviors.

W told me she was mad that I didn’t respond to her texts on Saturday in a reasonable amount of time. I told her I was having Daddy & Son time and that I would let her know if something went wrong. She said that it wasn’t fair to use our Son to prove a point. She believed that I was trying to prove to her that I could care for S. I let her know that that wasn’t the case and that I was busy with S and wasn’t by my phone as much as normal.

She told me that on Sunday morning she tried to go to a car show with S. She got there and was so overwhelmed with anxiety, sadness, and crying, that she left. That was the same crying I saw when I left the house Sunday morning. She said she was mad at me for leaving on Sunday morning because she was having a panic attack, hyperventilating, and I just walked out to leave her with S. I didn’t even have a chance to respond before she moved onto her next point: She said that she spent about 3+ hours crying with S on Sunday.

She said she emailed her mom yesterday to let her know there’s “trouble in paradise.” She said her mom told her she was there for her, but advised that the first years of marriage are difficult, especially with a baby. W said she got frustrated because “it’s not like she hasn't been thinking about this for months!!”

W said she’s lost 5 pounds in the last week. She’s barely eating and is drinking more.

I feel sad this morning. I so badly wanted to give W a hug and somehow make her pain go away. I’m holding back tears as a type this.