My Fears in GALing

[GALbaby]

My advice Newman is to let them sort their own problems out. I have issues with my S18 and D20 who live at home and don't get along with their father. I often undermined him in front of them because I basically don't like the way he treats them. It caused all sorts of problems between him and I. Its a 180 for me to let them handle their own relationships. If they want an R with their dad its their responsibility to work on it and likewise the same goes for him.

I refuse to interfere any more in their R's. They are adults now its not my problem to solve.

[newman7977]

GALbaby, that is a tough sitch as well and you have a point about letting them sort it out. I mean there's just so much you can do and absolutely can not control others actions.

Update on my sitch, It was a total misunderstanding. I spoke with my sister and she assured me she was not being cold to W, but there was some events that W might've thought she was being snappy. I also spoke to my W and assure her that my sister has no intentions of getting in the middle of our problems.

See the thing is that I told my family when the "OM" incident happened last month. Although my family was disappointed they were supportive and was really rooting for my W and I to patch things up.

Overall, the sitch is a lot calmer now, my sister spoke with W and they had their talk themselves. I'm not going to touch this issue anymore, i think I've done what i could the rest is up to them to patch things up. My sister and W really got along well in the past, now I just come to terms that it will also take time for them to get over this.

W is also not mad at me anymore she just told me not to say anymore about our sitch to my sister. I told her I haven't mentioned any of this to anyone since last month (thinking to myself, thanks to DB).

Wow today felt like I just wanted to move out of town and just start my life all over again. Don't you guys feel sometime with all these things happening, you just want to get a fresh start. O well life is tough what can you do...

On another note, I had a dream last night and it felt so real that my W and I finally reconciled. Then I woke up, and still believed the reconciliation and it took me about 10 mins to get back to reality and thought o man that was just a dream.

Newman

[GALbaby]

I totally understand what you are saying Newman. I took my R for granted with H. Never thought I would be in this position. I've got to say I've thought about leaving myself quite a number of times over our marriage of 28 years. There are always frustrations and disappointments in life. I'm really glad I found this site and have learned so much from DB philosophy and many other quality books I've read. I really understand more about the dynamics of a marriage and am finding that the more I trust and put into practice the more I am rewarded. It works for all R's not just a M. Sounds like you've got the right balance with the R of your sister and W.

I've had the dream too and its hard to shake it off. I'm in a pretty good place with H at the moment, however I still feel anxious and cautious. Need to work more on myself I think...try not be so fearful of change and being without a partner. I'm feeling positive about our R but I am not in control of what H will do nonetheless.

Keep believing it will work Newman...I believe we manifest our thoughts and as everyone here says, if our M's cannot be saved we are better people as a result.

[newman7977]

Galbaby, what other books? Are they in line with DR? I'm actually looking for some books you know like DR. I'm reading co-dependent no more but I'm finding it hard to relate to. DR is great because IMO it makes me feel strong and prepared if this sitch work out or not.

Also, that leap of faith you mentioned, after connection with you H, was there any set back? Did you feel any regret or felt like it negated some of your positives? Sorry for all the q's, just had these thoughts and fears if it does happen to ML to W.

Don't get me wrong I have no expectation that this will happen anytime soon but maybe someday. I'm actually thinking of more connection like asking her for a dinner to see what she'd say. But that's when the timing is right.

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A little journal, the past two days was the same except this morning it was one of those moments that I felt the connection and we kissed. It was longer than the last time around but she did end it. Seem like she'd remember something and then bam it's over. Anyway, this evening we'd had good Convo about her day and whatnot. It's good day overall.

I'm also better not being clingy with her sleeping on the same bed. Two days ago I asked her to wear her wedding ring and she just gave me this look! Ugh ok I mentioned it once and will not mention it again she's not ready for that--proceeding with caution.

I got to give her props though, she's really trying to work on this M. I mean it must be really tough to her to be affectionate with me since her feelings died, but I think she's trying to get them back.

With all these positives, I still see a long road ahead. Just got to move forward and continue to better myself.

Yes I believe the DR work...patience patience patience.

Newman

[GALbaby]

Newman, one good book I found to be very much in line with DR, she even quotes MWD in it, is called "How one of you can bring the two of you together" by Susan Page. Another is Five Love Languages which is always recommended on this site, and another that DB coach recommended is "How to improve your marriage without talking about it" Patricia Love and Steven Stosney. I have found them all to be very helpful. I am reading them one by one for the second time to re-inforce the messages.

In answer to your question..there have been no setbacks after my leap of faith. We have not talked about our R or the problems that led to BD x 4. I am putting principles in place from the books that I have read above and continue with my 180's without backsliding. I am finding very much that my H is responding well. There have been no fights and we are holidaying together in a few weeks, which I hope will cement our bond even further. I have decided that I will need to have most of my needs met by GAL for the time being. H is MLC and is very self-absorbed presently, so I am not expecting too much in the way of validation, compliments or attention. That is OK. I am willing to sacrifice that for now because I am seeing results of my hard work.

I think its very important if you ML not to expect that will mean that things are automatically back to normal. You may find your W pulls back again. This is expected after a major connection. You will need to remember that ML is for fun and not to obligate her. Just take things slow. Let her guide you. If you are making progress move forward inch by inch and build on the positive responses you get, but always with caution.

[newman7977]

Galbaby, cool I will take a look at these books, I hope they're available electronically. Yes I've read 5LL and also gave W to read over a month ago. Although she was receptive to it, she said it was things already obvious. O well that was her opinion, at least it's in her system now.

Glad to hear the environment with your H is good and he seem to be responding well. Is there a great difference how to treat MLC as suppose to WAS? I think I'll need to venture in the MLC forum too. Before reading on the WAS syndrome, I had thought my W was an MLC.

Yep to me too I think the 180s are the ones that are changing the dynamics of my interactions with W, especially with the kids. Seemed I released a lot of pressure from her helping more on the kids. Especially s13 who's been really been tough, he needs a lot of push to do his homework. I took on that this year 100%, I mean I helped before but nothing like the time I've put lately since my 180.

I like what you said about sacrificing the validation and compliments. There are moments during the days where I feel down and ask myself if this is all worth it, but then I remember all the positives and I pick myself back up.

Newman

[newman7977]

Journal:

Last night my W and I ended up ML. My plan was not to ML this soon, but it happened. I initiated the contact and one thing lead to another and it happened.

I felt that I might have crossed the line too soon. The next morning she was cold and somewhat distant, but not too bad for that matter. All day I backed off and not initiated a physical contact but raher continued my 180s.

She's ok, but her feelings are really not back to M yet but I'm noting the progress. I've gotta keep working and focusing on me and the kids.

My biggest 180 yesterday was taking s13 to the movies. But my BIL left his kids over to babysit. The old me would've cancel the movie with S13, but I didn't. Instead I took the other 2 boys and we all went to see a movie, we had a ton of fun.

The sitch felt the same even though we were intimate last night. I will continue to work on myself that even though we ML, doesn't mean II can do this on a regular basis ( the old me). Until she's ready to reconcile.

A little backslide also happened to me last night and just asking her if the OM, had any contact with her lately, and she said no. I backed off. And now really realized that I shouldn't be questioning these things. She stayed quiet after I asked that question...I know it's a backslide and I learned from it.

So far I felt a little setback on my sitch. Not too bad I think, I just got to keep consistent on my 180s.


Newman

[GALbaby]

Newman..she has pulled back..as I said that is common after a major connection. Just get back to your 180's, GAL and get back to DB'ing. You are doing well. Don't have any expectations. Too early for that.

[AnotherStander]

Last night my W and I ended up ML. My plan was not to ML this soon, but it happened. I initiated the contact and one thing lead to another and it happened. I felt that I might have crossed the line too soon.

Michele suggests in DR that ML is a good way to reestablish intimacy in a drifting marriage. I think it was an appropriate move. Believe me, I would do it in my sitch if given the chance You mentioned in your OP that W feels pressured in ML though, so be careful that she doesn't feel like you're starting that pressuring again.

The next morning she was cold and somewhat distant, but not too bad for that matter. All day I backed off and not initiated a physical contact but raher continued my 180s.

Like GALbaby said, that's to be expected. Your reaction of pulling back a bit is a good one, just be careful not to come off as cold or distant yourself.

I've gotta keep working and focusing on me and the kids.

Good, you're on the right track!

A little backslide also happened to me last night and just asking her if the OM, had any contact with her lately, and she said no. I backed off. And now really realized that I shouldn't be questioning these things.

I'm not sure that's a backslide, perhaps if you had kept pushing her but just a quick question like that doesn't seem like a big deal.

[newman7977]

Galbaby, that reminded me, you did warn me of the potential pull back after the connection which she did. Yes, Sunday morning W was very distant it almost like she was thinking of what just happened. So I just decided to continue and be cordial with her all day..acting "As If" nothing had happened and continued with my 180s. Fastforward to now, she's not that distant. I'm still backing off but continue to do affections/touch when it feels right. Thanks for chiming in.

AS, Yes I remember reading that in DR, regarding ML. You are right its a good way reestablishing intimacy. I'm just proceeding with caution since this was her complaint and also mentioned that it drove her to OM that I kept pressuring her to ML and that I'm selfish and only care about my feelings and whatnot...Anyway, I'm going to continue with 180, the physical touch (if she welcomes it) that doesn't necessarily lead to ML. We'll see how this unfolds, still taking it one day at a time. AS, I finally ran into your thread, I'll catch up with your sitch one of these days. You are so helpful in the boards! Thanks for taking the time.

________________________________________

So tomorrow I will go to my IC. I will be mentioning what transpired last month to date, in case I have unresolved feelings. I really want to make myself better and prepare myself to the potential outcomes of this sitch.

I feel a lot stronger and control of my emotions, thanks to all the people here it really helped reading the sitch and different advice. I'm sure my counselor will tell me how good I'm handling my emotions--if only he would've seen me last month lol.

Any thoughts you guys might have on the IC, please let me know. This is my only my second session individually.

Take care,
Newman