Glad to hear things went well after all. A small comment for you is to realize that your H also has a part (a big part) in this sitch. So don't berate yourself and feel it's all bc of you.
Also, Wendylon, I mentioned ADD bc your H has trouble following through and paying attention to detail. Being self-absorbed is also a sign. People with ADD not only have trouble paying attention to little things, but seek attention, so sometimes engage in attention-seeking behavior. I am not sure if this fits your H, but maybe you could read about it just in case...
Hey Wendylon You are SO doing this, BRAVA! Glad you had a good evening & booked for January That's big in my world. Glad too that you let thoughts of him just cross your mind on Sunday pm. Detachment is so freeing I'm really happy for you.
One thing tho I think we shld be careful w labels. I don't care to name things or blame things I think folks just are
Tori's last post describes me to a tee but the labels I use are I'm a pisces w my moon in Leo...just sayin
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Tumbling, you always bring a smile to my face. Yes, I agree that labels are not good. It's good to try to understand where he is coming from, so reading about ADD might help.
I'm also going to look up narcissistic personality disorder. If nothing else, I'll be pleased that H is isn't as difficult as he could be.
A few more positives:
H fished for praise from me re having shaved. (Historically, it's a sensitive topic because H claims I'm on his case about it--which I am sometimes when I think it's disrespectful in certain contexts.)
H fixed our dishwasher. I'd already thanked him but he asked me again later if I was impressed.
He called up "hello, W" this morning. I don't think I've heard him use my name for a long time.
He made a joke about sex (which has been completely off the agenda for ages--both the topic and the act). He was complaining about having an irritable bladder. I said that funnily enough so did I. He said, "Maybe it's an STD from all the sex we've been having!"
For my part, I'm still working on giving him tons of space. I'm not intrusive either physically (don't go into his study) or verbally (no questions). I don't ask him to account for his whereabouts and don't comment on things relating to him (except for some WOA). Obviously, he misses some of that attention and prompts me for it which I'm happy to do.
I still haven't said a word about him drinking. Yesterday, he announced that he was cutting down on coffee (not that I care). In one of his more recent rants and spews in July, he was getting all worked up about a time years ago when he said I even tried to control his coffee intake. He's completely wrong on that one. What I traditionally have trouble with is him declaring he's going to x, y or z and then proceeding not to make any changes. In the past, I've told him that if he's going to tell me he's going to do x, then he should also tell me if he's dropped the idea because it is crazy-making for me. Now, I'm just not getting invested. For example, he said he'd have a talk with S17 a few weeks ago. He hasn't and I'm sure he won't. I won't push for follow-through.
We have a parents' evening with S17 tonight. Last parents' evening, I noticed that they both smelled of tobacco. I couldn't resist commenting (H had told me he'd quit) and H tried to blame S17 for the smell. I was furious. S17 has since quit smoking and so has H. They will both probably smell of alcohol. If they do, I won't say a thing. The 3 of us will go out for a quick bite to eat after. I'll try to keep that light-hearted (whatever S17's teachers have to say!)
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Good luck tonight, Wendylon. I was thinking, what if you attempt to bring touching back into your M? It could start by a friendly touch when you pass by him, and if this is well received, a kiss or hug or cuddling in the AM, which ideally would evntually lead to intimacy--even if it's not the actual act itself. I think this would really help bring you guys closer.
I'm very affectionate, and right before my H announced he was filing, he started to reject my affection. That's when I knew something was really wrong, bc in the past, and no matter our sitch, he wouldn't keep his hands off me. Anyway, just a thought.
PS. I'm more and more convinced your H exhibits ADD traits. My H also created goals, posted them on the wall, followed them for a week or two, and then it was all out the window...
My H also has a habit of announcing a lifestyle change and then not following through. Example: diet. "I'm cutting out carbs and sugar." Buys a bunch of dried beef to eat (which is actually pretty tasty). Today's intake (from what I can tell) consisted of tortilla chips and chocolate bars, plus some of that dried beef I am sure. Then wonders why he's feeling bad by evening.
These men.... I am not sure why God made them so frustrating. I'm sure they think the same about us.
Wendy, you do sound super frustrated with your H. I understand the feeling, have been there myself. Can I ask you what your goals are for the M? He has gone pretty far astray it sounds like. How do you envision righting the ship?
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Thank you, Tori, for your suggestions re touching. I might start with some very tentative, fleeting touches. It really helps to see that H might be exhibiting some ADD traits. It makes his behaviour seem less personal towards me and less like something that he is choosing to be irritating about.
I dread New Year's Eve as he always comes up with a ridiculous list of resolutions that never get off the ground. I don't understand that he can't see that about himself. I have the feeling that I know him infinitely better than he knows himself.
Thank you, Tori, for your questions and for sharing what your H does around food. Again, it helps to think that my H is in good company! My H makes lifestyle announcements such as "I'm only having dairy as a condiment from now on" as we're on the way to a restaurant and then orders the cheese plate for dessert, not even a couple of hours after his pronouncement. I keep asking him to preface the change with "I know I just said x, but I've changed my mind..." He's yet to take that on board and says that I just shouldn't give so much importance to what he says and what is it to me anyway. He's probably right. I say that I don't care until he makes his announcement and that at that point I'm drawn in as a witness and do start to care. He then says, "Well, I will stop telling you anything then!" He doesn't stick to that though. Anyway, it's really nice to air this silly dynamic between us and get some perspective. It's plagued us for years and I go into thinking, "H can't be trusted about anything so how can I feel secure".
My goals for the M are to have a nice, companionable time together. I'd like to think that we can support each other and be relaxed in each other's company. For practical and pragmatic reasons, I think we're much better off staying together. Because of the kids, we're linked anyway and I'd hate to have to divvy up the caring of them--especially S13 who will never be independent. My mother is onto her third marriage and, from what I can tell, she's not traded up she's just exchanged one set of problems for a different set each time. I can really see too how her many marriages have messed up her availability as a grandparent. She's always worried about upsetting her current H if she spends too much time with her grandchildren. I'm from her first marriage.
As a child, I hated my parents getting divorced and I still don't like it. I don't think we're meant to like our step-parents. I really don't want to do the same to my children.
I have no interest in meeting someone else. I figure that no one will share my love for S17, D15 and S13 the way H does and I'd rather co-parent together as opposed to separated. I hate the idea of having to deal with H under the influence of an OW. I had to do that briefly when H had his A years ago and it was awful to listen to what OW thought what was best for S13 (then S5). It made my blood boil. Finally, I have known H for nearly 23 years. I love him even though he irritates the h*ll out of me. We do actually share a lot of interests and values.
I'm sure there is more about my goals. Basically, I'd like a good R. If it becomes sexual again that would be a bonus but it isn't a requirement. I sort of figure that I've had a lot of it in my life (even with H) and that--possibly--there is a time for these things and it's obviously not right now for me. I remember someone saying that if one were to put a marble in a jar for every time one had sex and then started taking them out once one got married that the jar would never get emptied. Obviously, that only holds in a culture of pre-marital sex!
Last night went well at parents' meeting. We had a nice dinner out with S17. H picked his teeth with toothpicks but I refrained from commenting--one of our typical disputes. I'm getting better at letting him be. I seem to have very little influence over him anyway so I might as well get less worked up.
H got up at 4 am to drive D15 to the train station for her school trip. He came home and then got S13 up and ready for school a couple of hours later and let me sleep. That has to count for quite a lot! He was back in time for supper tonight and has been more forthcoming about what he's been up to. Generally, he seems chattier.
The panel meeting against Social Services re S13's benefits is tomorrow. I've had a headache all day. I'm not sure if it's in anticipation of that or if I have some sort of sinus headache. We'll see soon enough.
Hope all of you are doing well in your respective DBing!
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
It makes his behaviour seem less personal towards me and less like something that he is choosing to be irritating about.
Whether it is ADD or not that kind of thinking - accepting them as they are - is definitely what is helping me to detach. H is H and NOT me in male form. And who am I to say my way is the right/only way? Look how stressed I get when he's not doing what I would do in situation x. I'm the only one with their panties in a bunch. He isn't. It is not my business to wonder why he is doing it/take it personally. My business is can I live w it/do I want that in my life? If not there's boundaries. But I'm going to pick my battles some things aren't worth it.
I see the acceptance attitude is bedding in for you Wendylon cos you let S17 do the toothpicking thing cos that's what he does. When you let go of it - how did you feel? O and even if he does do it to get a rise, he will stop it if he doesn't, so win/win I think.
Hope your headache goes away soon ((()))
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Wendylon, I just wanted to pop over to wish you good luck tomorrow. It'll soon be over, and I think it'll go well.
It's great you have jotted down your goals for your M. Having clear goals will help you map out your next steps. I agree that most M can be saved, and that D is not the answer unless there is addiction or abuse to deal with. So you are doing the right thing by doing all you can to save your M. This will give you peace of mind no matter what happens. Again, good luck tomorrow. Let us know how it goes.
