The crack in my perfect life...

[Sweetbriar]

Wow! I feel so lucky today to have gotten this great advice! I have read and re read the responses I got and I must admit, it really got me thinking about things.

As...yes, I KNOW that I am currently depressed:( Having never really experienced depression before, there is no doubt in my mind that this is it! The problem remains, that I am pregnant and meds are not recommended at all for the baby. I have talked to my OBGYN about my situation and she did mention that sometimes the benefits of meds outweigh the risks, Im still very scared to take anything that could potentially affect my baby. I am trying really hard to get through the next 4 1/2 months of pregnancy and then we have already talked about going on meds as soon as the baby is born. I do know they take time to work, as my H has been on them our whole marriage.
The R talks this weekend were backwards steps for me, for sure...Im mad at myself for letting them happen. I knew in my heart it would get me no where and it only makes the days after that much harder to get through. Why do I put myself in the position to hear all the negatives again? I will never know...I also appreciate you reminding me that he is rewriting history now..nothing is more sad than hearing how horrible the life was, that I thought was good.

Cadet- thanks again for your continued input. I know that those boundaries were not to harsh, and I am glad that I stuck to them. I just sometime second guess myself, out of lonliness and sadness. I went to my IC today and he also said that I need to stop focusing on what H is doing and will be doing and start focusing on myself and of course, my kids.

Accuray- wow...I have read your post many times today, just taking it all in. I think that you are so right in so many things. After reading your post and really thinking, I do think that I have way more to work on for myself than I thought. I dont think that I always listened like I should have and probably did steamroll H on many occasions. I also believe that he was starved for some things that I didnt give him, and the one major thing was affirmation. This is what I meant by stroking his ego, but I know its deeper than that. It was the nagging of what he didnt do sometimes, rather than complimenting what he did do. He did say to me this weekend over text that he feels like I talk to him sometimes like he is beneath me. I can tell you that it probaby does come across like that sometimes. I will say, that because of his depression and extremely low self esteem, that he does think a lot of things are negative, even though they arent. I can recall many times that he would complain about friends, neighbors, teachers, etc that he thought were being negative toward him and really, I didnt take it like that at all. I think now, that it is the way he perceives himself as not worthy or not good enough.
I do know a bit about the OW, as she is a relative of someone I work with. (H didnt know this at first...) Her EX died of alcoholism and was in a mental institution before he got sick and died in the hospital. I would like to believe that she was also looking for someone to say the right things. One thing that H did say to me in counsleing was that she said things to him that I never have. I dont believe that I have never said them, but I do believe that its been some time and he loved hearing those assuring words from OW. (he is so cute, funny, great singer, etc..) H claimed that she gave him unconditional love and asked for nothing in return. This was only after knowing her for 2 months, hard to believe it was unconditional love, but if that is what he says...

About the pregnancy, maybe you are right in expecting him to be there when he really didnt want it in the first place. To be honest, I was just as devastated at the news, but knew that anything other that having the baby was out of the question. I know my H's take on abortion and such, and that is why I was stunned to hear him utter those words. I did shut him down on that decision, although I see where I should have at least listened to his reasons so he felt validated. He has since changed his tune and says he was just shocked and loves this baby. I would like to think that is true, but actions speak louder...I think that listening to his reasons and validating his concerns and thoughts was something I lacked in and would be something that would have to change if our M ever were to work.

The refinance I was scared to do, as if we are headed for D, it didnt seem to make sense to refi our home. The reason I said he wanted to put the kids and I out was because of his constant threat of forclosing on us. I just didnt know what to do, so when I asked my lawyer and she said that refi would be beneficial even in the separation, I agreed to it. I am just scared all the time of his ideas because I dont trust him and the house is a big deal to me and where the kids and I live. I didnt want to be pregnant, with 2 teens, 2 dogs and no where to go. I think I do assume the worst at the moment, I have not always been this way. Just very hesitant with any major decision right now.

My dad moving in was a JOINT decision, in fact, I was more hesitant because I know his personality. H was the one to assure me that we had to help him. The problem arose when he fell, and had a brain injury, which he is a miracle to be alive from. He was very, very close to death. When he came back and had to have some care during recovery is when H got stressed. I often think about this and wonder if I should have not let me come here after the hospital, but again, joint decision. I do think that I was also stressed, taking care of my house, my family and my very sick dad....and I have felt that I was not supported in this by H and I thought that is what a H and W do, is help each other and family if they have to. My dad moved back in Feb 12 and H met OW in March 12, so honestly, it wasnt very long, so this was NOT the sole reason for his stress.

I have been wanting to blame H for everything since I have felt so hurt and rejected. Is this normal?

Lastly, I do see that I have to dig deeper..thank you and others for that! I do need to start realizing that I cannot control what H does and that if he gets his own place, than I cannot stop him. I also need to focus on ME and not HIM and realize that he is going to do what he wants now. Its not that I want to control him, butright now, I resent that he has been able to walk away so carefree, leave me, our children, our unborn baby, our home and live with no responsibility. Live happy, free and make this look so easy for him. Its hard to watch.

The other thing that is hard, is that he asks the kids things about what we are doing, what we are thinking of for names for the baby, where we are going on the weekends, etc...so he knows what we do and what I do. The kids tell him I dont know anything about his new, exciting life...although he does say he is very unhappy and sad...sometimes I wonder...

Today was a better day, the posts helped and I also saw my IC. I had a scare today...started spotting at 19 weeks pregnant and got worried. After calling doc and getting info, they said that I HAVE TO WATCH MY STRESS LEVEL...of course, this is close to impossible right now, as over whelmed as I feel , but I started to think that is this worth losing a baby over or having to be on bedrest for the next 4 months? I know it seems like nothing could get worse, but it could...and so my scare also put things in perspective for me today. I am fine tonight, but I need to be careful...

I pray every night for strength and for a light at the end of this tunnel. I used to say that my H was the only one who could show the light, but I need to start realizing that I am the one who has to walk toward the light. Right now, I feel like I am blindly living my life.

Tonight my oldest told me that she wrote a poem in English class today (she is an amazing writer, unlike me, as my posts are all over the place!) and she said it was about our house. It was a free verse and she talked about how our house used to be, that she would come home and loved the smell of pumpkin spice candles burning and the smell of lemon cleaner that had been used to clean that day and that she loved hearing the music play from the living room and hearing her dad play his golf computer game in the computer room...and how our house has evolved to something so different. I have not read the poem yet, but she cried when she told me about it, and I realized that I may not be able to bring her dad back here to live, but I can still light candles and clean rooms and play music and at least have her feel that this is still her home and her safe haven that smells of pumpkin spice...I have been so depressed that cleaning and music and candles have been last on my list, but I realized today, that those things bring comfort to my girls and starting tomorrow, I will bring those comforts back to them...

Thanks for your continued responses and advice...its keeping me going right now....