Quote: when he's already depressed, it's just too hard to deal with the drama of the R problems too.
Thanks Ellie, for coming by. And thanks for this, it makes sense.
H alluded to something similar, saying if he did not return my call right away (I was calling about the health insurance), it was because he "just couldn't deal with things right now" and not personal.
H has not been too receptive to the idea of meds up to now. This, I think, is the stigma his family has placed on them and C in general, particularly my MIL. He's been afraid of what could be wrong, I think (actually he's said this a few times, so I know he feels this way).
Personally, I am ME again after getting proper treatment for my thyroid... H sure has noticed that. Kind of hard to miss, really. He'd need to be dead.
But I'll tell you, I can't stand the 2-min. "businesslike" conversations. I mean going from calling me up and wanting to spend time together, ML and being close to 2-minute business conversations in less than a week is just hard to deal with, no matter how much my brain says he needs the space.
I read something on one of Ellie's old threads that sent a little lightbulb off in my head... that an A creates an endorphin high that temp. takes away the depression feelings... and that this could explain the "running back" to OW. Makes sense!
My C had suggested the same thing, in this long analogy: He describes it to me as H, while running away from feeling pain of depression, fell into a deep, black hole. And for a while, was knocked out down there. When he woke up, he began to realize there is no way to move forward from inside a hole in the ground. He can stay there or climb out. So he tries to climb out. But the weight of the D keeps him slipping back in before he gets fully out. His eyes become accustomed to the dark and the light at the top seems harsh and painful. He slips again.
His premise was that people in this sitch want to get out, but without the right tools, they don't know how and can become angry, hopeless, defeated.
The best part of this long analogy (I thought, anyway) was that if H gets the tools and gets out, it will become glaringly obvious to H that he wasn't making choices between his M and his A or his W and his OW... that OW is just part of the black hole. The choice was whether he wants to live his life inside the black hole or not.
Anyway, this might sound convoluted, but it helped me to understand some things.
Today, I found an interesting article from Psych. Today about how men deal with depression: Male depression isn't as obvious as the defenses men use to run from it. I call this "covert depression." It has three major symptoms. First, men attempt to escape pain by overusing alcohol or drugs, working excessively or seeking extramarital affairs. They go into isolation, withdrawing from loved ones. And they may lash out, becoming irritable or violent.
SS and Bob, good to hear from you both! It's good to read this BB and see that so many people interpret my sitch as having lots of positives... mostly I agree. But taking the few steps seemingly backward can make me lose sight of that. Thanks for the reminder!
What puzzles me most right now is this: I want to give space because H says he needs it. I do not want to put myself in a position to be taken advantage of. I want to be supportive if and where it's appropriate. I want him to know how I feel about him and how much I enjoy his company. I'm concerned that giving too much space is a bad thing because it has been before. I want to share that I am optimistic about making a new and better M. I don't want to crowd him with too much attention... SO, what's a girl to do?
When I'm not suffering PMS, I'm good at being positive, upbeat and acting as if the outcome will be positive... because this is generally my nature... and I've found that in other areas of my life, this kind of thinking works extremely well, so why not do it?
Here I am... still fighting the demon impatience. wonder
