Separated and confused

[jendp]

M: 38yo, H: 44yo
Together:10yrs
Married: 6yrs
No kids

Thanks for the comments, it is very helpful to get another perspective. Here is some more background info that led up to my current situation, sorry it is pretty long.

My relationship started in a very stressful time, during my last year of med school as I was interviewing for a surgical residency. H was loving and supportive, I was the one who was at a distance, not sure about our relationship and very scared about the future. He was always sure of our bond and wanted to get serious early on, but I told him that he needed to hang around for quite a while and decide whether he wanted to be with a surgeon because life was sure to be an extreme challenge and I would likely change a lot – this all turned out to be painfully true.

He hung in there and we did get married my 4th year as a resident although things were never perfect, mostly due to my insane work schedule, severe depression, and constant exhaustion. I was not completely ready to get married when we did, but I discounted my doubts because residency had beaten me down so much I was emotionally broken and didn’t know what I actually felt or wanted. I knew that we loved each other and thought that would see us through anything. I decided to pursue a second residency that lasted 3 more years, so overall I did 8 years of a very difficult surgical residency. Just before our wedding, H got a job that required travel. At first it was 4-5 days a month and quickly increased. I was proud of him for finding a good job that he excelled at and made him happy. At the time, I was glad he found something to occupy more of his time so he wouldn’t resent me and my job as much. Meanwhile, our marriage never really had a fighting chance. We both loved each other and just kept waiting for the end of my residency when we were sure everything would magically get better.

I feel H gave up on our marriage at least 2 years ago (just before my training ended). I had one foot out the door this past year because I was completely miserable with the status of our relationship. We had drifted so far apart that we were like roommates that couldn’t stand each other. I pleaded for years that we needed to spend more quality time together and build our marriage, but this never seemed a priority for him. If I had a free weekend or evening I would save that time for him, but he would usually plan something with his friends or work instead. He avoided me for years and I felt completely neglected and abandoned by him. I can’t blame him completely because I was not really a fun person to be around at this time.

There was a tremendous amount of hurt and resentment on both sides. I felt abandoned and he felt I was critical, cold, and demanding. Our sex life was almost non-existent because I was always physically and emotionally exhausted. This eventually took a great toll on him and our marriage. Even though I could see I was hurting him, I was so unhappy and depressed that I just couldn’t get myself together and change. It was a vicious cycle with each of us hurting one another. By the time my residency ended, it seemed too late. He was distant and stopped talking to me about anything real. He used work as a way to stay away from me and time together was never a priority for him. He was gone at least 3 weeks a month and even when home, he wanted to be with anyone but me. He became a different person completely: short-tempered, negative, angry, and distant. Then he had a close friend die, and his father died about 5 months later. At the same time my family was falling apart (financial crisis, sickness and death) and I felt the need to carry them all through.

When I finally snapped out of my depression (just 4 months ago), it was way too late. I had a true awakening at that time and decided to go all in for our marriage, realized I absolutely did not want a divorce. I got aggressive about saving our relationship and of course this pushed him away and out the door.

In summary, we never created a good foundation to build upon and were always on shaky ground. I know that I have a huge part in this problem because of my long-standing work demands and depression, and I blamed myself completely for this for many years. I now realize my faults, which are many, and I’m working on forgiveness for myself. I realize also that I am not completely to blame, we both contributed to the demise of our relationship.

I have made a huge amount of positive personal progress since he left, I feel like I have found myself again. Definitely GAL and happier than I have EVER been (this is because of my personal positive change that was a long time coming). This awakening has given me my life back, now I know what I absolutely want -- to save my shattered marriage that was never given a real chance. This may be impossible, but I’m not going down without a fight.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading.