I thought I was crazy and haven't said one word to ANYONE in what I thought was going on, and then here you are stating this:
"My feelings go up and down constantly--I have moments where I feel confident things will work out, followed by a moment of absolute despair. Sometimes I think my feelings are directly connected to how he is feeling. Moments where my gut tells me he has convinced himself his new life is exactly what he's always wanted. Then, moments where he is confused, followed by these feelings of certainty that he wants to come home. Today, I feel a fog--like he's just going through the motions and not thinking too much about anything but what's right in front of him.
Anyone else experience this? Maybe it's must massive denial? But, I don't think so."
I read that you can still be very energetically connected to someone recently. For the longest time I had noticed this synchronicity and things happening at very odd moments with regard to XH and our communication. For instance, it never fails. If Im at work and talking about him to friends I get a text from him. If Im thinking really hard about him, I get a text from him. Today I was driving in town and saw his truck parked at a restaraunt. One minute later I checked my phone and there was a text from him.
There are times I miss him so much I want to curl up and die. Usually within a matter of days of feeling that, he contacts me and there's something different. Like the mask is off, and it's the real him.
So I think there is something to how we're feeling. But what we do with that has everything to do with how we move forward. I don't doubt for a minute your H isn't feeling those things, because that's what MLC is, a complete roller coaster of feelings and emotions, and utter confusion. Now that I've detatched from the drama and my emotions of my divorce, I can now look back and see that what my XH was explaining to me in the best way he could was MLC....yet he had/has no idea what the hell is going on with himself.
The pain of knowing that your H is with someone else and what they're doing literally is the worst bone crushing rejection that I can imagine. I've been through it, and still go through it from time to time. But I can tell you this much. You can rise from the ashes and become the person you always wanted to be in the wake of this. I won't lie, it takes VERY LONG TIME, but it also depends on your ability to look within yourself and dig out buried issues you never knew you had.
My XH MLC has been a gift, and I continue to grow and having growing pains! Because of this, I made myself get in touch with my abandonment issues, and co dependent issues and why I had them. And once those started to unfold I was really able to see the role I played in the downfall of our marriage. Not meaning I was at fault, but how our dysfunctional dynamic did nothing but push buttons on eachother and how we would just naturally BUT irrationally react to one another.
It doensn't make some of the mean things we've done to one another OK by any means, but it now makes sense to me.
Though it's my deepest desire to make peace and reconnect with my XH on some level, the idea still scares me do DEATH. I have now learned what he's capable of. What I now want to know is if this is who he authentically is.... or if his actions are all a result of him not knowing how to authentically live. I pray to God it's temporary insanity, but at the same time am growing to accept that this new and corrupt side of him, is who he is now. It's very hard when he flip flops from father of the year to mean with the cruelest intentions what so ever.
The hard part, for me, is that he seems to have shut down a big chunk of himself where we are concerned. There's this block.
Ever since we were kids, I could sense when he was near, coming home on leave or abt to call me.
I still have the feelings, but he doesn't follow through. Like maybe he wants to text or call, but holds back. So, no text comes. The only thing to do is trust our connection and trust God will lead me, us? through this valley. I learned the hard way that my forcing the issue (for the past 8 months) didn't work, only made things worse.
I hate to admit it, and I don't know what to call it... soulmate, true love or maybe just some deep connection two people have. I have always had it with H and a part of me knows I will never experience anything like it again. I may love again. I may be happy again. Regardless of what happens. But, I don't think I will feel this connection with someone else ever again. I'm not even sure I will ever be able to feel it with him because of the damage he has done. It makes me feel very sad. Like a chapter of my life is closing before I'm ready. And, I'm furious with H for allowing this precious thing to get all distorted and dirty.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
We've known eachother since we were very young too.
I feel like he slammed the book shut on us too, but at the same time likes to open it up from time to time.
As you work through the grief and continue to heal, you will start to come through a place where you start to actually feel forgiveness and have warm feelings again.
But getting through the anger part is the only way to get to the forgiveness part.
Just remember one day at a time.
Work on accepting where you are right here and now in your situation with him.
Things can evolve. Pray for yourself, your children and for your H. Even pray for the OW.
"Holy Sprit, Guide Me" seems to really be working some awesome things for me lately so I strongly encourage you to say that anytime you feel the need for strength in anything you do.
Be quiet, and listen. Trust your gut. That gut instinct and sudden knowledge is always spot on.
And remember we're all going to get old someday so in 40 years from now, this won't even matter anymore. I've always told myself that if I see my XH again when Im 80, I may or MAY not hit him with my cane. I haven't decided yet. I'll figure it out in 40 years.
I loved the 'hit him with my cane'. Personally I am not going to be a little old lady with a cane. If I can survive MLC I am not going to hobble around in old age. Get my hips done, have physiotherapy, take the tablets and boogie!!
Anyway, on a more serious note, if we must, a lot of MLC is about the WAS having separation anxiety [usually associated with abandonment issues]. They are actually too close too us [or were] and felt stifled and without their own identity. They also tend to see us as very capable and strong.
The OP is normally a needy mess [to be honest if they aren't it probably isn't MLC] Our spouse is the big strong hero/heroine who is going to rescue them One of my friends who doesn't post here any more had a husband who went off with a bi-sexual, bi-polar drug addict with STDs.
It hurts tremendously in a way that no other pain hurts, but in time it comes to hurt much less. I still miss my xh, but I have created a very nice life on my own.
The warm feelings towards my xh come and go, a bit like a flickering light switch. I went through a period of feeling warmer than I do now. I am not angry or bitter, I just don't care as much about him as I did. What he did to us all was really horrible, for whatever reason. And I know the MLCer is in pain, but nothing gives others the right to do as they like without regard to the feelings of other people.
Part of coming through MLC is understanding that, I believe, and is yet another reason why they remain stuck.
PS I think that part of real detachment is actually coming to not care as much about it all. For a long time we are very bound up emotionally with all of this - MLC is like a grip on us, and we have to find ways of letting our spouse go.
I still love what we had, and who he was, but the man who could inflict such hurt on pain on his family? Until he deals with that I don't think I really want him in my life. Someone wisely said 'Love them from afar and in your heart' and it is wise counsel.
Hi folks, good tread, Dobson in one of his books says you need to build a relationship on authentic love, or otherwise it won’t stand the test of time. Respect always precedes love (authentic love).
Thru my life I have experienced too many close family members and friends concealing their true feelings and also who and what they really are (inside).
You see from when I was very young my mother sometimes hid her true feelings from us kids. But she didn’t fool me, and I new something was wrong (most families that I knew learned not to talk about their true feelings).
Which brings me to popular music, which speaks to my innermost being (soul). So I’ll let my music do the talking.
The Osmonds ‘Love me for a reason’ 1974 (When I was 15 years old)
‘Don’t love me for fun girl let me be the one girl love me for a reason let that reason be love
I’m just a little old fashioned It takes more than a physical attraction My initial reaction is Honey give me love not a facsimile of ‘.
David Bowie ‘Changes’ 1971 (I first heard this in 1975)
‘Still don’t know what I was waiting for And my time was running wild In a million dead-end streets And every time I thought I’d got it made It seems the taste was not so sweet So I turned myself to face me But I’ve never caught a glimpse How the others must see the faker I’m much too fast to take that test’.
Rod Stewart ‘The killing of Georgie’ part 1 1976
‘Georgie’s life ended there But I ask who really cares George once said to me in a quote He said never wait or hesitate Get in kid before it’s to late You may never get another chance Cos youth’s a mask but they don’t last Live it long and live it fast Georgie was a friend of mine Oh yeah'
The Commoredores ‘Easy’ 1977
‘Why in the world would anybody put chains on me?’ I’ve paid my dues to make it Everybody wants me to be what they want me to be I’m not happy when I try to fake it oh no’
Seems like the million dollar question is... are these MLC-ers sick or just jerks?
In H's case... His mom got pregnant in college. She and the dad maybe got married? It's always been unclear. But, they did become a couple. She had H-I think they lived with her parents? When H was 2, she and her parents went on a summer trip. When they returned, H's dad had packed all his stuff and disappeared. I'm not sure if H's dad had any contact after that or not.
MIL met and married someone else about a year later--maybe less than a year? H's biological dad gave up all parental rights. The story goes that H's bio. dad was a teacher and saw what divorce did to children and didn't want H split between two houses. Really?? Anyhow, H didn't know he was adopted or that he had another dad until he was 13. At which point, he began abusing drugs and alcohol and became more of a handful than he already was...
H's mom, dad and entire family was VERY controlling and closed up about feelings. H was expected to BE the way they wanted him to be as opposed to who he really was. I don't think he ever felt safe to just be himself or feel the feelings he had. He was always expected to act, feel and be someone he wasn't. Spent the next 30+ years abusing substances to numb the pain.
Now, I say all this without excusing his current behavior. He has been a royal a$$hole. I grew up in less than perfect circumstances and I haven't deserted my kids, my dog, my spouse, etc... A lot of people have troubled childhoods and that doesn't make it OK to hurt others indiscriminately without any thought for another's feelings.
I've struggled with depression, off and on my whole life. For awhile, I blamed H, thinking if I had a better spouse who made more money, I'd be happy. I learned that, as much as I wanted to blame it all on my spouse, the reality was that my depression was my responsibility.
I wish I knew the answer to the million dollar question. I know I have made far too many excuses for my H. I know I have made it wayyyy to easy for him to avoid responsibility over the years. But, I also sense that nothing would have prevented this from happening. Whatever pain my H is feeling run so deep and so heavy that he is willing to give up everything he loves the most to get away from it. Problem is, us grown-ups know he won't be able to escape it no matter how hard he tries.
One other thing. In my case, addiction is a part of the picture. There are plenty of good people who have done truly horrible things when stuck in their active addiction. The prisons and jails are full of people who made detestable choices even though they aren't detestable people.
I guess the bottom line is... Only God can judge why, how or what possesses someone to hurt someone else. I know with my 18-yr-old, she pushes me and tortures me because she is in pain and she trusts I am safe to share these feelings. She knows I will love her no matter what, and this makes it safe for her to unload her pain--
My 10-yr-old daughter has Aspergers. Kids with Aspergers rarely feel safe to be themselves because their real selves are so volatile and unpredictable. Not their fault, just how they are wired. Sometimes I've wondered if H is autistic.
Anyway, early on, before the diagnosis, everyone--and I mean EVERYONE would tell us we needed to discipline MORE. They'd say her only problem was that we coddled and allowed her to get away with murder. Truth is, D10 felt relatively safe in our home to be herself and that's what lead to her diagnosis. Instead of asking her to suck it up and BE someone she wasn't, I allowed her to be herself--and that made all the difference. If we had taken the advice of virtually everyone else, she would be a very angry, depressed, frustrated and sad kid today. Maybe this is how H started? He was beaten into submission? Sometimes literally-I can understand this too--as a parent--having a child with special needs is incredibly challenging. If I never discovered what was going on with D10, I may have resorted to a strict, severe regime-- in fact I did at certain points.
Just my thoughts, take what you need and leave the rest. Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Lois, They are neither sick or jerks. The mlcer is someone who had their emotional growth stunted at a very early age. As small children and young adults, parents and authority figures didn't validate and/or provide them enough affirmation and love along the way. Parents/authority figures tended to focus on other children and family members or made them feel like they were less than perfect. The children could have been abused emotionally, physically or sexually. The parents could have been addicts or abused alcohol. The child does everything to try to please the parents/authority figures and yet, it's never good enough. Their self esteem is shot and over compensation doesn't help. So, they take the abuse and stuff it down because they can't come back at the parent for fear of being punished.
As the years go by, each person goes through a life's transition. They begin as teens and continue through their lives. If, for some reason, they are unable to navigate through a transition, they will become stuck for a bit and when midlife hits, they will have a serious crisis. Those who navigate the life's transitions will have a far less serious crisis and it could very well be just a blip on the radar screen. It's important that when those having the serious crisis are acting out to leave them alone and give them as much space as they can choke on. We don't want them to get stuck, nor do we want to try to snatch them out of the crisis. If the serious crisis is interrupted, once they begin again, it will be far worse the second time around.
Many people identify the midlife crisis as an identity crisis. I tend to agree w/this.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It's so hard to see how H needs space from us. Seems like someone in pain needs loved ones around. That part is hard to get. Why seek support from an OP with so many problems themselves? And, I don't get the vibe that he is her hero, but more that she is simply telling him what to do which is easier for him right now. The times when I've just told him what to do, he seems almost relieved, but it's inconsistent. Don't get it, I will trust it.
Why doesn't it make sense to tell him that he's having an identity crisis. Wouldn't that be a relief for him to know he's not a bad, crazy person? Why does he fight the truth?
Thanks, Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
