I thought I was crazy and haven't said one word to ANYONE in what I thought was going on, and then here you are stating this:
"My feelings go up and down constantly--I have moments where I feel confident things will work out, followed by a moment of absolute despair. Sometimes I think my feelings are directly connected to how he is feeling. Moments where my gut tells me he has convinced himself his new life is exactly what he's always wanted. Then, moments where he is confused, followed by these feelings of certainty that he wants to come home. Today, I feel a fog--like he's just going through the motions and not thinking too much about anything but what's right in front of him.
Anyone else experience this? Maybe it's must massive denial? But, I don't think so."
I read that you can still be very energetically connected to someone recently. For the longest time I had noticed this synchronicity and things happening at very odd moments with regard to XH and our communication. For instance, it never fails. If Im at work and talking about him to friends I get a text from him. If Im thinking really hard about him, I get a text from him. Today I was driving in town and saw his truck parked at a restaraunt. One minute later I checked my phone and there was a text from him.
There are times I miss him so much I want to curl up and die. Usually within a matter of days of feeling that, he contacts me and there's something different. Like the mask is off, and it's the real him.
So I think there is something to how we're feeling. But what we do with that has everything to do with how we move forward. I don't doubt for a minute your H isn't feeling those things, because that's what MLC is, a complete roller coaster of feelings and emotions, and utter confusion. Now that I've detatched from the drama and my emotions of my divorce, I can now look back and see that what my XH was explaining to me in the best way he could was MLC....yet he had/has no idea what the hell is going on with himself.
The pain of knowing that your H is with someone else and what they're doing literally is the worst bone crushing rejection that I can imagine. I've been through it, and still go through it from time to time. But I can tell you this much. You can rise from the ashes and become the person you always wanted to be in the wake of this. I won't lie, it takes VERY LONG TIME, but it also depends on your ability to look within yourself and dig out buried issues you never knew you had.
My XH MLC has been a gift, and I continue to grow and having growing pains! Because of this, I made myself get in touch with my abandonment issues, and co dependent issues and why I had them. And once those started to unfold I was really able to see the role I played in the downfall of our marriage. Not meaning I was at fault, but how our dysfunctional dynamic did nothing but push buttons on eachother and how we would just naturally BUT irrationally react to one another.
It doensn't make some of the mean things we've done to one another OK by any means, but it now makes sense to me.
Though it's my deepest desire to make peace and reconnect with my XH on some level, the idea still scares me do DEATH. I have now learned what he's capable of. What I now want to know is if this is who he authentically is.... or if his actions are all a result of him not knowing how to authentically live. I pray to God it's temporary insanity, but at the same time am growing to accept that this new and corrupt side of him, is who he is now. It's very hard when he flip flops from father of the year to mean with the cruelest intentions what so ever.
