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Originally Posted By: roughenough
I know it’s important for me to remember that any interactions with W is an opportunity. I will need to do a lot of listening and validating. My reply to her email will probably go something like this.


"I am available at noon this Tuesday or Wednesday, just let me know. Have a good day W."


How about the 'where'? A neutral place? A place where you feel like you have the 'home field advantage'? A place where you and your W used to hang out?

I'd give her a couple of suggestions.


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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I think you've got a great base here Rough. And I agree with Denver that you should add the "Where" in there too. I'd actually take his points literally: Suggest a place that's neutral, one where you'd feel very comfortable, and a place that you guys used to visit together.

You definitely seem to be doing a good job of "thought-stopping" wondering what might come of this meeting. I commend you for that, as it's something I know we struggle with quite a bit.

And look at it this way: No matter WHAT happens, you'll leave the conversation with more information than you went there with. And that's ALWAYS empowering.

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Originally Posted By: AlkalineThoughts
I think you've got a great base here Rough. And I agree with Denver that you should add the "Where" in there too. I'd actually take his points literally: Suggest a place that's neutral, one where you'd feel very comfortable, and a place that you guys used to visit together.

You definitely seem to be doing a good job of "thought-stopping" wondering what might come of this meeting. I commend you for that, as it's something I know we struggle with quite a bit.

And look at it this way: No matter WHAT happens, you'll leave the conversation with more information than you went there with. And that's ALWAYS empowering.


Yup ^^

Go into it completely prepared to listen and validate. I would do very little talking.

Do not feel compelled to decide anything. When in doubt, "I don't know W. I will have to think about that and get back to you."


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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Thanks guys! AT, what do you mean by a great base? Are you talking about a foundation for the conversation, setting the stage, so to speak? BTW Denver, I have your “I need to get back to you” comment ingrained in my head. I actually used it last week when W and I had our brief conversation, it was very helpful! I never ended up getting back to her but I am sure it’s water under the bridge by now.

I have a positive attitude but I am going into the conversation with the mindset that W is wanting/planning divorce. I would never say that to her, it’s just my way of processing things. I know it sounds odd but it actually helps my PMA and it keeps my expectations in check.

It looks like were meeting at noon this Wednesday. Going to lunch isn’t a requirement. Your right though, a location needs to be decided. I was initially thinking we would sit in one of our cars, a bit low class?

I might get a little sh!t for this but we met at a restaurant/bar 15 minutes from here. I had to add the "restaurant" part smile I am considering proposing that location but I think it would be WAY to nostalgic and over the top. It would be obvious that I wanted to prove a point if I chose that location. Should I propose the idea anyway? It’s casual and they have good food.

I could invite her over to OUR house, the one I currently live in, the one SHE moved out of? It’s close to my office so I could just let her know I was going home for lunch. She wouldn't be a complete stranger to her old house. She stops by to drop off the kids and not to long ago she spent some time with our dog and picked some flowers from the yard. I could stock the kitchen with some good lunch foods? I would have the home field advantage you talked about.

There’s a restaurant by my office that serves good pizza and that’s W’s favorite food.

There’s a lot of parks around here so that might be another idea? As I just mentioned, I don’t think “lunch” is a requirement but I am looking for your opinion. It doesn't take much for my W to cry so that’s one of my hesitations with meeting at a restaurant.
I feel she’s more likely to express herself if we’re not in a restaurant setting, but I am open.

Haaa, I just threw out a lot of options. Hopefully I can get some input between now and then because I want to be prepared.

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Freshman class of 2012
Me(M):38
W:43
Together: 15 Married: 11
D:5
S:8
W wanted separation 5/5/12
Stopped living together 5/5/12

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson

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Not sure that I'd suggest the place that the two of you met. Too transparent what you would be doing.

I don't know Rough. I had these conversations at restaurants, in the car, and in my home... all three. For my W and I, I don't think that the setting made much of a difference. For me, I just wanted to be sure that I was some place where I was comfortable. For example, I avoided these types of conversations in her home (the place that she rented during our S).

The car isn't great, and maybe a bit ghetto to actually suggest it. I'd suggest the pizza place or the house (the one that you live in).


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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I'm totally with Denver on this one. NO WAY would I suggest the place you two met.

How's this for an idea? Bring some lunch to a park near your house or office for a neutral location. Pizza place and your house are also great ideas.

As for the "Base" comment, Yes, I was alluding to the foundation you're laying for the conversation, and also, on a more meta-level, on the foundation you're building in your sitch with these interactions and your careful planning.

One quick note though: I TOTALLY hear what you're saying about preparing for her to give the D talk, and I think that's fine. BUT, remember the "Act as if" portion of the program here... If you go into this conversation assuming that the D talk is definitely going to happen, you might be sabotaging yourself in your body-language, tone, and general mindset.

Prepare for the worst, up until about 11:00 on Wednesday. Then remember that you have NO idea what she wants to REALLY chat about. Listen a TON, validate as often as you can, and keep an open mind.

After all, she might want to talk about building a rocket ship together!

wink

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I think your going to get the your stalling speech.

If she does drop the D talk then say back. Well your lawyer should talk to my lawyer or just send the paperwork my way. I will get it reviewed in time.

Good thing about meeting at a Restaurant is that there is menu ... food... other people to fill in the quiet moments.

And you can excuse yourself to the washroom to wash hands, nature call etc... when you think your heart is going through your chest and your tearing up.



But if you really want to throw her for a loop. Control the conversation from beginning to end.

Your topics. And anything she says that is uncomfortable.

You reply

"Wife. I have given this a great deal of thought.... He is what I think on that..... ( Quick answer )... What is next on the list... ( IF there is a pause ) Well Wife. I have been thinking about this (Subject ) this is what I have decided...."

You pull that off. You will be in the drivers seat for awhile and she will leave thinking... WTF.... He is not so broken anymore... Wonder what has him walking so tall...


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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Originally Posted By: chatterbug

But if you really want to throw her for a loop. Control the conversation from beginning to end.

Your topics. And anything she says that is uncomfortable.

You reply

"Wife. I have given this a great deal of thought.... He is what I think on that..... ( Quick answer )... What is next on the list... ( IF there is a pause ) Well Wife. I have been thinking about this (Subject ) this is what I have decided...."

You pull that off. You will be in the drivers seat for awhile and she will leave thinking... WTF.... He is not so broken anymore... Wonder what has him walking so tall...



Good stuff Chatter! I gotta give that some thought. No, I am being serious wink Thanks much.

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I like the confidence with that approach Chatter. It's a fine line though because I would need to say it in the right way or it would be real easy to come across as an a hole.

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Originally Posted By: AlkalineThoughts
One quick note though: I TOTALLY hear what you're saying about preparing for her to give the D talk, and I think that's fine. BUT, remember the "Act as if" portion of the program here... If you go into this conversation assuming that the D talk is definitely going to happen, you might be sabotaging yourself in your body-language, tone, and general mindset.

Prepare for the worst, up until about 11:00 on Wednesday. Then remember that you have NO idea what she wants to REALLY chat about. Listen a TON, validate as often as you can, and keep an open mind.


wink


You had it all dialed in AT, your preparation was of epic proportions. This is VERY good advice to remember. I really appreciate the positive words.

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