Hi Wonder - Yes, I can see the similarities in our sitches. Cross your fingers and hope he's put on an antidepressant that works. Remember that anger and irritability are also signs of depression, so be careful not to take it too personally. Act As If, be as happy and upbeat as you possibly can when you see him - when he's already depressed, it's just too hard to deal with the drama of the R problems too. And keep working on your 180's and interesting new things in your life - let him see the real you that was hidden under the thyroid problems.
I got preoccupied with my latest project for the military and I guess I let my thread lapse into obsolesence. I will be thinking up a new place to go since my sitch is getting worse, not better. Perhaps I should start a new one - Screwed, Blued and Tattooed. Me bitter? Nah... Just being honest with myself about how unfortunate the circumstances have become.
I am glad you are piecing and things are improving for you. Keep working at it and stay positive. Thanks for all your advice on my sitch.
Hi Wonder! You have so many positives going on and I am so happy for you!! Keep up your patience and your good outlook on life and it will rub off on your H!!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Quote: when he's already depressed, it's just too hard to deal with the drama of the R problems too.
Thanks Ellie, for coming by. And thanks for this, it makes sense.
H alluded to something similar, saying if he did not return my call right away (I was calling about the health insurance), it was because he "just couldn't deal with things right now" and not personal.
H has not been too receptive to the idea of meds up to now. This, I think, is the stigma his family has placed on them and C in general, particularly my MIL. He's been afraid of what could be wrong, I think (actually he's said this a few times, so I know he feels this way).
Personally, I am ME again after getting proper treatment for my thyroid... H sure has noticed that. Kind of hard to miss, really. He'd need to be dead.
But I'll tell you, I can't stand the 2-min. "businesslike" conversations. I mean going from calling me up and wanting to spend time together, ML and being close to 2-minute business conversations in less than a week is just hard to deal with, no matter how much my brain says he needs the space.
I read something on one of Ellie's old threads that sent a little lightbulb off in my head... that an A creates an endorphin high that temp. takes away the depression feelings... and that this could explain the "running back" to OW. Makes sense!
My C had suggested the same thing, in this long analogy: He describes it to me as H, while running away from feeling pain of depression, fell into a deep, black hole. And for a while, was knocked out down there. When he woke up, he began to realize there is no way to move forward from inside a hole in the ground. He can stay there or climb out. So he tries to climb out. But the weight of the D keeps him slipping back in before he gets fully out. His eyes become accustomed to the dark and the light at the top seems harsh and painful. He slips again.
His premise was that people in this sitch want to get out, but without the right tools, they don't know how and can become angry, hopeless, defeated.
The best part of this long analogy (I thought, anyway) was that if H gets the tools and gets out, it will become glaringly obvious to H that he wasn't making choices between his M and his A or his W and his OW... that OW is just part of the black hole. The choice was whether he wants to live his life inside the black hole or not.
Anyway, this might sound convoluted, but it helped me to understand some things.
Today, I found an interesting article from Psych. Today about how men deal with depression: Male depression isn't as obvious as the defenses men use to run from it. I call this "covert depression." It has three major symptoms. First, men attempt to escape pain by overusing alcohol or drugs, working excessively or seeking extramarital affairs. They go into isolation, withdrawing from loved ones. And they may lash out, becoming irritable or violent.
SS and Bob, good to hear from you both! It's good to read this BB and see that so many people interpret my sitch as having lots of positives... mostly I agree. But taking the few steps seemingly backward can make me lose sight of that. Thanks for the reminder!
What puzzles me most right now is this: I want to give space because H says he needs it. I do not want to put myself in a position to be taken advantage of. I want to be supportive if and where it's appropriate. I want him to know how I feel about him and how much I enjoy his company. I'm concerned that giving too much space is a bad thing because it has been before. I want to share that I am optimistic about making a new and better M. I don't want to crowd him with too much attention... SO, what's a girl to do?
When I'm not suffering PMS, I'm good at being positive, upbeat and acting as if the outcome will be positive... because this is generally my nature... and I've found that in other areas of my life, this kind of thinking works extremely well, so why not do it?
Here I am... still fighting the demon impatience. wonder
Awesome, awesome post... great analogy from your C... really like the idea of the black hole and trying to get out. I think and hope that my H is there now.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi Wonder! VERY interesting post about depression. Your examples really do clarify how it feels. I have dealt with depression with my mom on and off for most of my life and she has said alot of the same things.
I often wonder if my H is depressed...but I know HE has to be the one to seek help!!
Quote: I don't want to crowd him with too much attention... SO, what's a girl to do?
I think you answered your own question....PATIENCE!!!! Doesn't it drive you crazy?? You want to scream from the roof tops so your H will hear..."hey look at me...look how wonderful I am...give this another try..."!!! But you know you can't, just keep up the positive attitude and have patience!!!
(((((WONDER)))))
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
I can relate to your posting about depression - I was one of those guys who withdrew and became moody. I would brood and brood about things and then either dump on my W or I would shove it all down creating a horrible ferment that corroded our relationship.
My advice to your hubby - see a psychiatrist and get some medication if necessary. I did and my world did brighten a bit afterwards.
Yeah, the analogy really helped me to make sense of some things... it fits my H's behavior to a T.
I'm glad to hear that it resonates for other people who have experienced depression. At least I know my C is as solid as I think he is. I can only hope my H sees someone equally pro-M and solution-oriented.
Well, H got his meds yesterday. I don't know what he is taking. He had already dropped the script off and did not recall the name.(??)
Here is our latest: H called me to get his insurance card (he'd had to reschedule picking it up midweek for work reasons) so that he could pay for the meds. I invited him to have lunch with me, since I was out of the office and about to get lunch when he called. He said "I guess so", so I gave him an out that he did not take, and we had lunch.
We had an OK lunch. The place was a zoo and loud. H did not want to talk about himself and was in a quiet mood when he arrived. Answered work Qs with one-word answers. But became much more talkative when I talked about me-- my work situation, money, what I was up to that week.
Positives: he told me about getting the meds, took me up on lunch (he could have just met me at the sandwich shop I was already at), was definitely interested in stuff I have going on and offered ideas about my work challenges.
I had just picked him up a little box of fine chocolates and card for Valentine's Day moments before he called me. I had decided something small would be good, since he welcomed my initiative on his birthday. But I didn't want to do anything major, just a little token "something". (Little background here: Last V-Day was pretty emotional as he called me at work and told me he wanted to come home.)
Not sure if this was the best idea... but part of my reasoning is that during the bomb, one of my Hs complaints was that he felt there was a lack of little things showing him he was loved. And I've experienced firsthand that sometimes when he withdraws and asks for space he is really wanting something other than that. Now part of that is him learning to ask for what he wants because I don't read minds... but I feel that I did need to improve in terms of showing him in his one of his own LLs. Esp. when my thyroid was out of whack... there was a period when I was struggling to get through the day sometimes, never mind doing all the little things "just because".
I gave it to him after lunch and he wasn't expecting it. I had NO expectations of him reciprocating-- this is me choosing to create the kind of R I want by my actions.
H said it "kind of made him uncomfortable" and he wished I hadn't gotten him anything. He also accepted it.
I thanked him for sharing those feelings with me and told him that right now, I don't always know what will be uncomfortable for him and that my intention of course is not to create discomfort. He seemed more relaxed after that.
Of course, then I get home at night to find yet another insurance form he needs to have in my mail. You'd think they'd send these things all in one packet!
OK. I feel fine about his reaction to the chocolates. But I am struggling with the overall withdrawal, even though I have a lot of Wonder-things (challenges, work, plans with friends) coming up in the next few weeks.
I think it's kind of a pain how I am so involved in my own life, yet still am bothered by Hs withdrawal.
And my birthday is also coming up... H was just amazing on my birthday last year. Not sure what will be this year.
Not much to report. H and I talked on VDay, just a nice friendly happy conversation.
He returned my call about the last insurance paper, not once, but twice. He left me a message that did not sound like he wanted a call back (he said he would call me during the week, actually). But then called back to see if I got the message.
I had spent the early afternoon treating myself to a new haircut and a tasty lunch for VDay.
At the risk of analyzing... I wondered about him calling back. It felt as though there was more going on there. Couldn't say for sure though. There have been only a few very specific times at which he has called to see if I received a message... but I know-- I should not get into analyzing.
Meanwhile, Wonder is tackling her stuff. Went out and bought myself new financial software and got it all set up, researched printers... worked lots on my projects this weekend because next weekend I will be too busy having fun with my friends.
I am back to my regular self today. Was reading T2's thread too about how amazing she is... (well, that is my take anyway). That girl really puts it in perspective and says everything I believe in that post about how she is moving forward and proud of herself, so I am taking a lesson.
hey Wonder ~ I am very proud of you for getting H a Valentines Day gift and NOT expecting anything in return--that is hard to do and I think it is awesome that you were able to give a gift "just because" and have NO EXPECTATIONS!!! GREAT DBing!!!!!!
You sound great ...I will have to check out T2 thread...I have lost track of her!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
