It's time for me to start a new thread so I'd like to begin by thanking everyone who's been around, giving me their time and advice.
I want you to know that no matter what your advice is or how you give it, I always appreciate it. It may sometimes take me a while to appreciate it for some, but in the end, I know that it's all been instrumental in taking me safely where I am now, which is, in my view a better place than where I was in May.
I'd like to start this new thread with something that happened on our last family day, a few weeks ago, which went to prove that anything in life can teach us a lesson.
As some of you may know, a few weeks ago, just before W and I had our first R talk which ended up being quite revealing, yet helpful, we had been to an amusement park which ended up being quite disappointing.
One of the themes was the Wild West and the area was filled with cement statues of angry looking native Americans and dilapidated old west style buildings, one of which was of course a saloon.
As we walked by we could hear screams coming from the saloon so we stopped to have a look and there is was. A bona fide mechanical rodeo bull from which hordes of locals were being flung within 5 to 10 seconds.
I had always wanted to try this so in I went to the great pleasure of both my W and D8 (I suspect W was hoping to see me hurled across the room ). At the sight of a foreigner, the crowd opened up and the anticipation could be felt in the hushes all around (especially that I happened to be wearing my rimmed-hat).
I confidently got on the bull, wrapped the rope around my left arm and, to the delight of the spectators, I struck the pose (you know, the one with the hat in the right hand with the arm stretched behind?). And on went the bull.
What a rush. I was thrown left and right and back and forth and still I stayed on. The bull would abruptly stop and start again in a different rhythm and I stayed on. Many times I thought I'd fall or be thrown off but I held on and ignored the pain which was growing in my tired legs. The bull went on and with every second I managed to hang on, the crowd cheered louder and louder, bringing new curious passers-by in the saloon. With every failure to throw me off the bull's fury seemed to increase, and still, I hung on.
Eventually, the bull stopped, and to the applause of a wild crowd, I dismounted, waved my hat, bowed and left the ring with grace to be told I had managed to stay on for a full minute (it had felt a heck of a lot longer).
With a happy heart and trembling legs we walked out, shaking a few hands and receiving a few pats on the back on the way.
Out of the saloon, we sat down and both D8 and W eagerly asked how I had done it. They both thought it had been amazing. This is what I told them without thinking:
"The bull starts off at a certain rhythm so you have to match that rhythm and just swing your body back and forth to the rhythm of the bull. When it stops and changes rhythm, hold on tight and do whatever you can to stay on, then try to adjust to the new rhythm it sets. If you almost get thrown off, do whatever it takes to get yourself back on straight and back in the rhythm.
No matter what happens, no matter how much pain you feel, you don't allow yourself to even think about giving up. You just tell yourself that the ride is bound to end sometime. So you keep holding on and adjusting your rhythm until it does. Eventually, it did."
It's only days later, after we'd got back and I'd had the R talk with my W that the DB significance of these words became clear to my mind. Now I actually wonder if my W got it. If she did, she probably though I was trying to teach her a lesson.
So fellow DBers, hold on tight, keep up with the rhythm and enjoy the ride because, although it will feel much longer than it actually is, it won't last forever.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I love it Arsene...I just love it! :-) Thank you for sharing that. ((((( )))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Hats off Arsene - amazing analogy of what we are doing! I'm sure this will become classic post
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Yes, very wise, Arsene. I loved your last post on the other thread too. I think you know what you're doing, even if a lot of people don't agree with it. And I do believe in our true inner voices. Because our inner voices are God speaking. It's when we confuse our inner voices with our egos speaking that things get all messed up.
Trying to control someone. Trying to change someone. Trying to fight something.
All of those things are the ego speaking. That's not the inner voice. And when you hear your inner voice and you follow what it says, you will feel GOOD.
Amazing words Arsene! Both your final words on your old thread and the last post. Your a good man Arsene but there's one thing you forgot to mention, how's the body's holding up after taming the bull?
Thanks Busting, Tumbling and Afa for your kind words. I'm glad that someone else can see some value in this.
Originally Posted By: tori2012
Yes, very wise, Arsene. I loved your last post on the other thread too. I think you know what you're doing, even if a lot of people don't agree with it. And I do believe in our true inner voices. Because our inner voices are God speaking. It's when we confuse our inner voices with our egos speaking that things get all messed up.
Trying to control someone. Trying to change someone. Trying to fight something.
All of those things are the ego speaking. That's not the inner voice. And when you hear your inner voice and you follow what it says, you will feel GOOD.
That is so true Tori. I've been listening to me ego all my life (not knowing there was something else to listen to) and always felt incomplete, or unsatisfied. This does indeed feel good (most of the time anyway ).
Originally Posted By: roughenough
Amazing words Arsene! Both your final words on your old thread and the last post. Your a good man Arsene but there's one thing you forgot to mention, how's the body's holding up after taming the bull?
Thanks Rough. I'm glad it means something to you. Re: your question, it took me a week to recover from the pain. My body was aching all over. Fortunately for me, my heart was aching more from my W's revelations so ironically, she helped me get over my physical pain.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Just a bit of journaling about our last family day on Sunday.
W kind of invited herself and in the end I figured that it would be great for D8 (I didn't really oppose it myslef) so we agreed to meet in the afternoon. When I asked her what she felt like doing she said it didn't matter, that she'd be just as happy to stay around the house and cook a meal together so I decided to just go for a short outing to a nearby park to fly D8's kite.
It was a good quiet time and we talked a bit but mostly, we played with D8 and sat around simply enjoying the peace and quiet.
Back at home, we barbequed some sea fish together and had a lovely meal, reminiscing of our days together. After W put D8 to bed, we decided to shoot some pool, but we ended up just sitting on the ground, in the back yard, talking. I looked like the pool proposal might have been just an excuse to stick around and talk so I listened.
She told me how hard it was for her right now, financially, and how much she worked, and basically how easy we used to have it in the past. In saying that she still maintained that she was happy and that things would get better however, she said that she regretted choosing this city. That she thought it would be better for us job-wise but now she thinks that she should have chosen the touristic area of the country.
She also said that she had chosen to' come here because we had the house and she was planning on opening a school or run some sort of business from it but that she no longer wanted to do that.
She asked me what I thought about our house. I said I thought it was a great house and that I missed it. She then asked if "we" shouldn't just take it back and if "we" shouldn't just move back in. I disregarded this and just said that there was still a few months before deciding anything and that anything could change in those month. I was taken by surprise by that "we" and really didn't want to ask her to elaborate at this time.
Eventually, she said how tired she was and how she had to go, but she stayed there, next to me, and she talked some more about how the school she chose for D8 ended up not being so good after all and how we shouldn't sign her up there next year. And then more about how tired she was and how much work she had. I listened, and validated and at one point, as she wasn't making a move to leave. I got up and suggested she went and got some sleep, which she did. Nothing special on her departure other than smiles and civil goodbyes. On Monday, during a text exchange re:D8' school, W added:"Thanks for listening to my whingeing last night", to which I replied:"I'm glad I can be there for you".
I'm not going to read anything in any of that other than W seems to be getting comfortable opening up to me. I'll take that as a positive for now. This morning we are meeting again to go to immigration for my visa. After that, I'll try to back off for the next few days and give her (and myself) some time to think.
BTW, I had a look at a picture that I took of the 3 of us at the park and she looks positively happy. Heck, WE actually look like a happy family.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Arsene, it makes me smile reading these last few posts. Your Bullriding story/metaphor is positively amazing. And it definitely seems like the conversation with your wife was a very positive experience.
I'm sure this has so much to do with all the hard work you've been putting in, and for that I must congratulate you. Stay strong my friend. You're making some real progress here... and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little envious.
It sounds like your wife is having to learn about Life, and how to put on her BGPs (Big Girl Panties). This is all GOOD; as hard as it is, don't rescue her from that.
A good response when she whines and complains is "I understand. This is hard on ALL of us right now. "
). At the sight of a foreigner, the crowd opened up and the anticipation could be felt in the hushes all around (especially that I happened to be wearing my rimmed-hat).