Even though my H is physically home, it's almost as if he's not there. I think at the moment me and you are in a very similar place.
You know that the big D is the last thing you want, but ya just don't know if you want H. God this sucks! It's our insecurities coming back up to the surface. Every thing is a sign of whether they will love us for ever, or leave us again.
I'm absolutly terrified that H will leave me again, and i think that is why i'm having such a hard time with all this at the moment. Just wonder if i'm ready to go back into that world. I know that i will be ok no matter what happens. I trust myself. I know that i want the romance and the pursuing, infact i want H to prove to me that he is worthy of me, i just want us to have the close, trustful and happy relationship we had before depression entered our lives.
Before i always reminded you to be patient, now i'm going to tell you to be patient with yourself. I would back off and try to get those expectations back down so that your PMA can go back up. Only instead of NO EXPECTATIONS, lets run with LOW EXPECTATIONS and only of things that we know they are prepared to do!!
This is a very uncertain time for us all. I think we all want to run and hide in our respective caves, so why not sorta do that for a couple of days.....see what happens!
Now for some fun news! Where i'm staying will be absolutly full with young hansome and strapping men next week end, for a big rugby regata.......all because i'm on a diet doesn't mean i can't look at the menu!! Love a bit of eye candy!
Things are mostly alright for me....just having a bit of a down day....sorry about that!
You take care of you and let H take careof himself.
After my last post, I read JJs thread on teething and said, yup, there it is in full living color. I am hypersensitive right now to things that normally wouldn't bother me. And what bothers me most is that I'm not feeling like my H is really trying to build trust with me.
I have taken a few days for myself. Haven't talked to H except to tell him I hoped he was having a good end to his week. He didn't show any interest in seeing me this weekend though he did leave a msg. asking when he could get the insurance card from me then didn't call me back.
My therapist had said to me that putting our marriage back together would be an emotional process, but also a simple one based almost entirely on two things we have control over:
1. the attitude with which we approach it-- as how we're thinking will impact how we're feeling and our actions
2. asking before we do or say anything-- will this bring us closer together or farther apart-- and choosing only those things that bring us together.
I'm feeling frustrated I guess because my low expectation is that my H will come into this with a positive attitude (reasonably understanding this is tough with depression) and that he will choose to ask himself if what he is doing is helping to bring us closer or not. That's really all I want from him at this point... and I have realized that I really don't want to accept anything less than that because that creates anxiety in me that doesn't need to be there.
I should add that I did talk to my H about the insurance thing. Left him a message to call me about it and he did. I was still feeling hypersensitive and when I started to explain how I felt, his reaction really surprised me: he was instantly irritable with me. I didn't know what to say so I was silent.
I was finally able to explain myself better, used lots of I statements and explained that he wouldn't know how I was feeling if I didn't tell him (something he'd asked me to do at one point). He agreed. He said OK. And that was that.
I later sent a brief email thanking him for being understanding, which he was in the end, and acknowledging that I was feeling uneasy about my own house finances and letting that get in the way.
No response at all to the email. And this weekend we did not make plans to see each other.
Hi Wonder!!! I know it is frustrating because you want to wake up one day and be blissfully in love..... You are doing a great job with this stage--I give you so much credit for your patience and perseverance!!
I hope you have "fun stuff" planned for this weekend even though you are not seeing H. It helped me so much when I learned I didn't have to rely on him to have fun on the weekends. Sounds silly--but we spent every free moment together and it was hard for me to fill up my time when he first left. Now I can't seem to find enough time so I guess I've gotten too good at it!! LOL!!!!
Thanks so much for the teething post--it was perfect!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
What happened to you? You haven't posted to your thread for a while and it's now locked. I've been rather preoccupied with my situation so haven't kept up with others' much.
Wonder, you wrote -
Quote: And I know that if we were approaching our financial health together, we'd be able to turn it around very easily for both of us. If we are going to be together, seems to me we could be making life a lot easier for both of us right now.
I'm in a similar situation right now. It is very frustrating, especially as my H has told me many times that my lack of financial contribution helped to kill his feelings for me... although he omitted to tell me this even once before the bombshell!!!!
Now I'm earning a bit (and business is growing), and he is forced to live out in the boondocks, and he's complaing about it, it doesn't make any sense. If we pooled our income we would be fine.
Of course, that's not a reason to get back together, but I'm still trying to figure out what the reason for his leaving us REALLY is...
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi Wonder..don't kow if you have read my thread this past week..but I just ran through yours, and in Jan.I had posted to you that it looks as if my m was heading for d..well look at how fast things have changed for me..h wants m to work..you had asked earlier how long it could take..well, my h has bben gone for about 1 1/2 years..and another 3 years before that we started the drifting...so don't put any time frame on it...if you are serious about piecing your m..only God knows how long it will take..and you have to be prepared to ride it all out..it is not easy...reread some of my past threads..I had many doubts...was finally reolved to live on my own...and then things have turned.
SS, I did have fun!! And I worked hard on a new project. But after all this time of having fun without H, I really missed him after seeing him 2 fun weekends in a row!
Sue, I will definitely have to check out your thread. It sounds like a wonderful turn of events for you!
I am very serious about piecing my M. And my H has been saying the same... and after re-reading DR this a.m. I saw myself in the part about wanting reassurance instead of letting things progress. So there you have it. Guilty as charged. I can see a direct relation between me pushing a bit for that and him withdrawing. Obvious, but I kind of missed it for the first few days.
Livn', isn't the $$ thing frustrating!? My H is sharing an apt. short-term while I'm trying to find a roommate short-term... makes little $$ sense but he needs the space right now he says. If that is what he needs, that is what he needs, but the financial impacts for both of us aren't too good.
I suggested we consider tackling some things together but got zero response. So I think the better handle I can get on my own finances, then that will only help our interactions.
My situation was actually fine a year ago... but I was hit with an unexpected pay cut (economy) and some emergency house and dental bills on top of it. I know I can turn it around, but frankly, it would be so much easier if we did it together. My H also has financial issues of his own and told me he owes OW money. He has said a few times that he doesn't feel right about bringing any of that debt into my life. So there are a few things at work here. Plus the depression.
Here's what has been happening in our sitch since my last post.
1. My H decided to get help for his depression. His first appt. was last week. This is huge. It is also one of the goals I'd set for us--that he'd come to that place. (I hope he chooses a pro-M counselor.)
2. He has completely withdrawn from me, saying he needs to get his head turned around before he can deal with him and I. Other than insurance, he seems to want no support from me. Our past few conversations have been short-- in length and in tone.
3. He told me he was sorry I didn't like his decision to keep dog at OWs. His rationale ("he doesn't know what the dog would do" without company) is at odds with the fact that our dog has been here several times alone and exhibited great behavior. I decided to drop that subject. He knows how I feel about it.
4. My MIL who keeps trying to put herself into the middle of our M has now decided H is not well. Interesting to me since she's been talking alien speak for a long time (calling me bitter and not to be believed, if my H is having a tough time, it is because of me, etc.). Her meddling (incl. calling OW to find out what's up with her son) is causing more stress for H and it infuriates me. I do not see her these days and that is probably a very good thing. The thing is, my H told me for years that MIL was "unstable" ... I never experienced it firsthand before all this.
So... that is where things seem to stand. H has made an incredible amount of steps. Other than being at ease with me and opening up (which he started to do), he's met all the R goals I'd set. Perhaps I should set more and keep giving him space while also letting him know I'm here? That is what seems to be working.
I am just picking up on your thread, so forgive me if some of these details are in previous posts.
First It sounds like YOU are doing great! you have a good handle on things and keeping your expectations in check.
Quote: My H decided to get help for his depression. His first appt. was last week. This is huge.
This peeked my attention. Mind if I ask some questions....
What were the symptoms he had for depression? How long were they there? Is he in MLC? What brought on the decision to seek help? Did he do that on his own or at a suggestion? Key things that you think you did well to handle this or even not so well?
I'm still online, so let me try & answer your questions.
1. My H is a living, breathing, walking example of depression. He has all the symptoms, and has for a long time. My own counselor told me almost 2 years ago that he believed 90% of what was happening in our M (EA to PA, moving out, acting out, mean talk, confusion, etc.) was my H's attempt to grapple with symptoms of depression. I also had a thyroid problem for a few years and I think that exacerbated some of the things he was feeling... I wasn't easy to be around sometimes and he took this personally.
2. My H has known for a long time that something is wrong. He briefly went to a C who was of no help (I strongly believe he needs goal-oriented counseling, not a plunge into his past). He first identified it to me as depression almost a year ago. I don't think he's known how to deal with it since then. I do think he has come to see that removing me didn't remove the feelings of depression. In fact, I'd say it's much, much worse since he left home.
3. I think what pushed him to seek help (and this is speculation based on what little he is saying) is that he is at the bottom of the hole he flung himself into and he has repeatedly been trying to crawl out. His sleeping patterns are all messed up, he is missing appts. with people, he is feeling extremely low and hopeless. His daily life is suffering (and so are his efforts to reconnect with me).
4. What I did woefully wrong at first: told him everything my C suggested about his mental health and his A, sent him articles, got angry at his choices, cried, told him he was very screwed up one day out of anger, etc.
4. What I did right: realized it wasn't about me, stopped making things worse by doing the above. Apologized for my previous reactions and words, and continue to let him know when I'm wrong. Let up pressuring him. Offered him support and suggested he lean on his best friends if not me. Chose to not let his depression and negativity push my buttons anymore. Detached from it. Offered him health insurance. Showed appreciation when he made steps toward his M.
I do think there's some MLC here. Definite possibility, since he's followed the pattern for it fairly closely. Also, his dissatisfaction has gone beyond our M to his work, etc. too.
You are doing a great job with this stage--I give you so much credit for your patience and perseverance!!
LOL!!!!
